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Anyone had a 'revenge' affair?

(39 Posts)
FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 05:47:50

(I know 'revenge' isn't the right word though...)
Having read a related current thread, was wondering if anyone who found out their OH cheated had an affair /ons or similar themselves and told OH? Or even just said they had, without actually having done it. How did OH respond or deal with it? What were your motivations? Did it make or break the relationship?
I may be having a bit of a mid life crisis right now, but after many years of total faithfulness I'm wondering why I shouldn't have had some nice times with other ppl , when I now know OH wasn't on the same page as me all along, iyswim. It's almost as if I want him to feel as bad as I often do, knowing he had someone else in mind, and wonder if he would stick around if the tables were turned. Not expressed very clearly, sorry!

Ifailed Mon 03-Apr-17 06:07:24

two wrongs don't make a right.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 06:27:51

True. That's not what I was asking though.

TheNaze73 Mon 03-Apr-17 07:44:40

No experience of it however, I can't see why it'd be a good idea

strawberryfieldsfortrevor Mon 03-Apr-17 07:52:33

Sort of, yeah. I wouldn't recommend it - it just introduced another world of pain. You've suffered enough already sad But do consider whether you can continue to live with what he did - if you're considering a revenge affair, I'm guessing not. Focus on moving on, in whatever capacity - be it alone or together. I really wouldn't do it.

tribpot Mon 03-Apr-17 07:52:45

But the person who has the first affair has already checked out of the relationship. So they are not going to be that hurt if the person they've emotionally abandoned has an affair? The two situations are not alike.

YesIdid222 Mon 03-Apr-17 08:02:46

Yes, I had a revenge fling after my DH admitted that he had an affair. And yes of course it's not ideal. However to be perfectly honest, not only did it inject a thrill in my life at the time but it also helped cushion the hurt and sense of rejection that DH caused me. And no, even though i had never before contemplated an affair, I did not feel guilty because of the circumstances. We are still married five years on and our marriage is very much repaired.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 08:04:40

I'm not considering having an affair, but the threads I was reading (I think there were a couple of similar ones recently) involved someone having admitted an affair, and although the cheated on partner was all for making the relationship work again, ppl were implying that the cheated on partner had already had an affair (thus were not creating waves because they were already 'guilty'), or would probably end up having one themselves. I can kind of see how you would want to 'get back at' the cheating partner or reassure yourself that other ppl still found you attractive. Or even do it so that the cheat knew how shitty it felt to be cheated on.
And is it always the case that the person who had the first affair had checked out of the relationship? Because there seem to be many ppl who try to make the relationship work (and succeed) after the affair is revealed...Is it the same for a ons? I'm guessing they didn't check out in this case, just took advantage of it if offered.

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 08:06:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 08:08:24

YesIdid - how did your oh take it? Badly, or did he see it as 'getting even' in some way? When I was arguing with my oh about his actions, and said I felt like I should have been messing around too (I was super pissed off at the time) he said to do whatever I felt necessary (to paraphrase, can't remember exactly), which I found to be a really weird response....

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 08:08:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 08:12:46

IsNot no, I don't particularly feel the desire to, although I maybe feel I have wasted my better years when I could have been enjoying them more! I think I only question my feelings for him in the way they are related to his behaviour and how he must (not) have been thinking of me, if that makes any sense....I hope your relationship is on the mend for you.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 08:18:14

X post also smile
If you don't mind me asking IsNot, why did he say he did it? I know my oh was opportunistic, which worries me a bit because he is in a position of plenty of opportunity with his job, and once it's in his head, the idea isn't going away, is it??

YesIdid222 Mon 03-Apr-17 08:20:24

Fritz, I didn't disclose the affair to my DH. I imagine he would have felt hurt if he had known. But this wasn't about hurting him; it was more about taking steps to make me feel better.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 08:23:46

Oh, ok, YesIdid. Do you think he would have felt differently about you/trying again if he had known? Did it make you feel better?

missmove38 Mon 03-Apr-17 08:31:35

Hi..I get where you're coming this present time where I'm having doubts that my ex possible cheated on me I'm feeling so hurt I could tell him something to hurt him back. Before him I could have had an affair, I could call said person now and know he'd come round but it won't cushion the pain that I'm feeling and makes me possibly as bad as him. I do get where you're coming from though. Hugs

YesIdid222 Mon 03-Apr-17 08:44:09

I think he would have still wanted to continue the relationship as he would have understood the context behind it. And yes, it did make me feel better. Every time the thought of him and the OW came into my mind, I replaced it with memories of the passionate encounters I had with this guy (this was twice - we did not go all the way but we were very intimate). Not saying what I did was right but it helped me though a very difficult time.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 08:53:29

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time miss. Hope it works out ok for you.
Thanks yesidid. I'm glad it made you feel better at a difficult time. I can totally understand empathise.

OnMyShoulders Mon 03-Apr-17 08:54:53

I did this after discovering my DH's affair a year ago. I have mixed feelings about it.

His affair left me feeling worthless and the pain of what he'd done was bigger that anything I could have imagined.

At the point that I began my own affair, we had been trying for six months to rebuild our relationship, but I felt stuck. I'd tried counselling to help me move forward but it wasn't helping. I think this was because infidelity had never been part of our marriage before and I just couldn't get my head around the how's and why's DH had made this choice. After I had sex with someone else, it 'unstuck' me. I was able to understand our situation better and see things from a different perspective. I am certain that if I hadn't done it, we would have separated around that time. Neither of us wanted that. I told DH about what I'd done. My main motivation for this was because I wanted him to feel the pain I'd felt.

My affair lasted six months and has only recently come to and end. On reflection, my own affair has damaged me more than DH's did. It has destroyed my self esteem and made me question everything about myself. At the beginning, I convinced myself that it was helping me to heal, reminding me of who I really was and taking me away from the hurt. Every encounter with the OM felt like a cushion against the pain and I believed it was empowering me again.

The emotional impact of my affair took an enormous toll on my mental health. I hated who I'd become, someone who lied, cheated and hurt the ones I loved. I had a nervous breakdown in December. Whilst I still credit my affair with holding my marriage together, I wouldn't wish the last six months of my life on my worst enemy.

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 08:54:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 08:58:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesIdid222 Mon 03-Apr-17 09:14:52

IsNot, I would say it is. I have managed to compartmentalise it in my mind and we have both made a decision to move on from that period. Having realised what we stood to lose, my DH and I now spend more time with each other as a couple and also as a family with the children. We are certainly happier than before.

IsNotGold Mon 03-Apr-17 09:53:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FritzDonovan Mon 03-Apr-17 11:47:05

Thanks for sharing your experience OnMyShoulders. It sounds as if it has been very difficult for you. I'd be interested to know if your dh felt the same about himself after his affair as you did after yours. Did he feel bad after you told him? I'm guessing not so much. It's a shame it made you feel so bad about yourself, yet can't have been all bad, as you credit it with saving your marriage and giving you some insight into how it happened for your dh. All the best for the future.

IsNotGold that sounds scarily similar to my/oh situation last year. Although I don't think anything happened that time I'll never be sure about previous occasions. His actual words about this last situation were that he was detached from the family, but couldn't explain any further. Maybe he was just enjoying the attention of a younger woman, eh?

YesIDid sounds like you're in a good place now smile

Lotsofponies Mon 03-Apr-17 12:19:11

No, but I fantasised about it for a while. I got stuck on the how could you 'do that' but still love me aspect, I wondered if an affair would prove that it is possible to do it for kicks/regs boost answer still love your partner, I also wanted to feel attractive, my partners OW was predictably 15 years younger, blonde and very pretty. I didn't. I think guilt would have eaten me up, I don't think OH would have coped either.

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