Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

sexual frustration!!

(37 Posts)
user1490981241 Sun 02-Apr-17 23:58:57

Been doing alot of reading and want to know what all you other ladies think... i have a higher than average sex drive and my dp has a low one. We have been together 5 years im 23 he is 31 and have a 20 month old son.

We have sex maybe once every few months (when it suits him- if i suggest sex or make a mive i fet rejected and he soesnt understand why i feel he isnt attracted to me anymore and i have developed body image problems...) and it lasts less than a minute each time... no foreplay involved (not for lack of trying). Before we had our son he would go for hours and it would be insanely passionate and spectacular to the point i was sore for a few days from the workput!!! More so while i was pregnant!! But since having ds he doesnt seem as interested as i am and he wont talk about it with me (he isnt one to communicate, he cant express emotion due to horrific childhood and refuses to seek councelling). Ive tried everything to bring the spark back and nothing has worked so decided its maybe me that has the problem and need to change...

I want to supress my sex drive as im pulling my hair out with this!!! Any one have advice on how to deal with the frustration pro-actively? Anyone else in the same situation?

user1490981241 Mon 03-Apr-17 00:00:53

Excise the spelling my phone screen is smashed in places so wint type properky! sad

SandyY2K Mon 03-Apr-17 00:10:43

Don't supress the natural you. You need an honest conversation and perhaps to see a specialist.

Have you asked how he's gone from regular sex to this.

Changing yourself isn't ideal though. You should not have to.

user1490981241 Mon 03-Apr-17 00:28:49

Ive tried talking to him about it but he just shruggs it off. Im unsure if its because he is ashamed or embarrassed or if its maybe a health problem, ive asked him to seek the GPs help, even just for a conversation! Ive read that it could be due to aging, stress, too much/little exercise etc and im not angry at him im just so deprived almost.

I dont expect him to change and increase his libido but im that frustrated and have exhausted all other options and become a regular on which strangely doesnt help it just makes it worse! So i thought maybe lowering my libido to match his i wouldnt be so frustrated and he maybe wouldnt feel bad about it?

Im lost for what to do next because i love him with everything i have, all other aspects of the relationship are great (aside from lack of communication when needed- which i understand due to the life he was unfortunately given as a child) but im so unsatisfied and tense and stressed because of it. I wouldnt dream about going elsewhere, id never consider sleeping with someone else or ending the relationship due to it because its so much more than just sex but its all i can think about! I havent slept or ate properly in months and i dont know how to distract myself from it or supress the urges because it just leads to disappointment and rejection

user1490981241 Mon 03-Apr-17 00:35:12

I mean toys are great but its the connection that i love, i miss the eye contact, the touches, the kissing, the teasing... you dont get that with a vibe.

Isetan Mon 03-Apr-17 02:35:00

This isn't a 'our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for this tiny thing', this is a big deal and it's difficult to be sympathetic to someone who isn't being sympathetic back. As much as you love this man, the resentment will corrode your relationship eventually. You can either wait around for that to happen or, you can make it clear that he doesn't get to unilaterally change an important part of your relationship without consultation and that your relationship is in serious danger if he continues to act like you and your needs aren't important.

Something's obviously happened but if he's not willing to talk or seek help there isn't a lot you can do but either accept the new reality of your relationship or, leave.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Mon 03-Apr-17 02:56:15

Did the change in his behaviour happen during / after the pregnancy? Do you think he is finding it hard to see the mother of his child as a sexual being? There is an interesting book "Mating in Captivity" which might give you some pointers as to what might be going on.

Biddylee Mon 03-Apr-17 07:28:13

I spent time in a sexless relationship. My partner went a bit odd about the sex after I was pregnant and after that it pretty much stopped. Being in my 40s, I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship (communication was another problem in the relationship) so I left. It's been over 6 months now and I look forward to eventually meeting someone who wants sex and can communicate.

user149 you are young - if communication doesn't work, don't spend too long trying to fix things.

SandyY2K Mon 03-Apr-17 07:33:38

I doubt it's an age thing, he's only 31. Sex is an important element of a relationship to most people and the fact that you're here is evidence that it's important to you.

Can you really see yourself staying as the relationship is for another 5/10/15 years?

Is it really sustainable? If you can live a life of sex a few times a year and be happy, then fine. If not you need to express the importance of this to him, perhaps in writing so that he reads and digests how important this is to you.

It could be low testosterone levels, but he needs to be actively trying to seek advice for the sake of your relationship.

TheNaze73 Mon 03-Apr-17 07:42:03

By the sounds of it, it sounds psychological ok his part. He needs to do something about it before he loses you.

user1490981241 Mon 03-Apr-17 12:58:11

Thanks everyone i appreciate the comments flowers i love him, and have done for years and as i say every other part of our relationship is fantastic other than the dive in sex and i dont want to end a relationship over sex. Ive tried everything to try and encourage more sex but failed so wanted to try lowering my own libido to match his temporarily and see if it helps with the frustration and i may be able to be happy with the little sex we have if i want it less if that makes sense before raising it as a serious issue that involves professional help.

Im the kinda person that wants to try all avenues before making a decision and exercise all other available options. I just need ways to control myself! Or even other ways to try encouraging more sex if any one has anything fun and unusual ideas that i havent thought of? smile
Thanks everyone i appreciate the replies x

Adora10 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:10:49

Something no right at 31 to only want sex every few months; there must be a reason for it, most guys are up for it every night at that age.

Why can't he just service you; he doesn't have to take part.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 03-Apr-17 14:25:54

adora Jesus christ. I can guarentee you would not say that if a man had posted the OP. What kind of advice is that?!

Absofrigginlootly Mon 03-Apr-17 14:29:19

Not rtft in detail, but did you have a traumatic delivery with your DS? I've read before that men watching their loved one go through so much pain and trauma can affect how they feel awfterwards in a sexual way because they feel responsible for the pain they 'caused' by getting you pregnant

Adora10 Mon 03-Apr-17 15:26:58

Kung; what do you mean; what's your issue exactly?

And yes, my advice would be exactly the same, that alright with you or do you want to keep swearing at me?

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to have penetrative sex; it can also mean pleasing your partner; absolutely nothing wrong with that, esp if you know they have a high sex drive.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 03-Apr-17 15:52:28

Because he's made it quite clear he doesn't want sex, any kind of sex. Whether that be full intercourse or the steps inbetween!

So why should he have too perform an act on OP just because she wants action?

Have you tried talking too him about it? How it's making you feel, how you miss the intimacy and connection.

Adora10 Mon 03-Apr-17 15:57:23

Where does it say he doesn't want any sex at all, please show me that?

What I am trying to say Kung and I think you are fully aware but for some reason instead of offering advice you'd rather pull me apart; when you are in a long loving relationship, it is A ok to give your partner some light relief without yourself either feeling you have to perform or receive; ffs, it's not rocket science and has fuck all to do with what gender you are.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 03-Apr-17 16:21:07

no foreplay involved (not for lack of trying). <---- from the OP. I'm not trying too pull you apart, if you want to take it that way fine. But I see that as God awful advice.

I am in a long loving relationship - i wouldn't be doing anything sexual if I didn't want too just for the sake of my DH having a release.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 03-Apr-17 16:23:40

Left this out from my post above

Ive tried everything to try and encourage more sex but failed

Adora10 Mon 03-Apr-17 16:28:29

I don't care if you think my advice is god awful, it's not for you.

I've had plenty occasions in the 15 years of my relationship to relieve my partner without myself having to indulge in sex; if you think that's bad then tough, it works for us.

It's called loving and compromising; nothing wrong with it as long as you are both willing partners.

You're just looking to pick flaws rather than concentrate on ways to help, he doesn't NOT have sex, he just doesn't have enough sex for the OPs satisfaction.

WarmFunKindStrong Mon 03-Apr-17 16:45:28

OP, if your DP doesn't talk about this issue there is really no way of resolving it.

Pease go back and read Isetan's post, it encapsulates the heart of the matter.

user1490981241 Mon 03-Apr-17 17:59:21

Kungfu, he wasnt at the birth of our son unfortunately because he didnt want to see me in pain and i didnt want to push him too so we agreed that my mum and his mum would support ne and him and our dads would worry in the waiting room haha. Ive tried talking but he doesnt seem to think theres a problem :/ i dont know how to handle it any more.

Im sorry i didnt mean to cause debate but i completely agree with you! Adora i appreciate the advice but thats not the way i am personally im not going to force him to get me off and i wouldnt do that for him but thanks for the suggestion anyway

NotTheFordType Mon 03-Apr-17 18:27:22

Well the good news is you're still plenty young enough to meet someone else who wants a full relationship with you.

Presumably as he's not interested in sex or your needs, he'd be okay if you got those met outside the marriage?

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:33:23

user wasn't me who mentioned witnessing child birth it was a PP.

Do you think he could be having trouble getting/maintaining an erection? Does he masturbate quite a lot?

Men who often masturbate a lot sometimes their drive are quite lower than normal.

user1490981241 Mon 03-Apr-17 19:47:19

No he doesnt even do that kungfu which is concerning. I almost feel guilty for masterbating when he doesnt :/ he said he has never been too interested in sex or having a tugg. Ive even tried buying him male sex toys and buying porn to watch together but hes just not interested anymore and now hes strained at work putting food on the table for all 3 of us i think its maybe stress? It wasnt like this before we had ds and i think he may have been more horny whilst i was pregnant but since ds was born the sex has fizzled out to almost non existant...

Im unsure about ED as when we are intimate he is rock hard and raring to go but as its so infrequent it lasts less than 30 seconds and maybe tmi but he is larger than average so the lack of foreplay causes the first few thrusts to hurt a bit and just as the pain lowers slightly he ejaculates with no second thought for me. Ive told him all this several times but he doesnt see a problem but i know it bothers him, wether it be because he really isnt interested, he thinks im a nark about it, he feels guilty for it being painful or he is having erectile problems in between getting sweaty. Im unsure but the last time we tried he appologised for cuming prematureley and seemed a bit off afterwards so hes maybe starting to notice there is a problem.

Considering next time (probably June angry) maybe just lie with no emotion until he finishes, go to bathroom to clean up then going to bed and facing away without saying anything to him, maybe he will then try and talk to me about it rather than me being the instigator for the conversation?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: