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Letting go

(7 Posts)
Seagull89 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:02:10

Feel quite embarrassed speaking about this for all to see, but a problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. grin

When I first met my partner, he'd recently just got out of a bad relationship, they'd been broken up 6 months but stopped seeing each other two months before he met me. They'd been together 2 years. We started dating and his ex hung on to him, constantly texting, ringing him when I was with him, begging him to take her back, he said he ignored her or replied with one word answers (which I believe). It caused us a lot of drama as I didn't want this kind of negativity in my new relationship! She knew he was seeing someone yet had no respect for that (even though she'd say she did) she was an absolute snake. He eventually blocked her after 11 weeks. I finally felt relief but knew that wouldn't be the end of it. Lo and behold, a few weeks after he blocked her, she turns up at his door claiming she's moved on and how she would like to be friends (he'd previously told her if she moved on there might be a chance of friendship) i found out about her turning up and hit the roof, he blocked her again, and we started to move on fully.

About a month later I was having a discussion about it all with my niece and after that discussion I continually thought about all the hurt and pain that had been caused and from then on it's been an obsession. I think about it all the time and will bring it up. Our relationship is perfect on so many levels, I trust him but not where it concerns her. I love him to pieces and we get on so so well, he's my best friend and he's said I'm his. He says he wasn't in love with her and the stories he's told me about their relationship are schocking (absolute psycho) I know he's happier with me and he enjoys being with me. I bring a lot to the table and go out my way to make him happy, but I ruin us by bringing it up, I compare myself to her (which I believe is due to the hurt, but dunno) I can't stand anything to do with her, I can't even stand to see/hear her name. I hate how this has affected me as I've never been like this before.

This isnt due to her being an ex, had she been one of those ex's that just checks in every now and again, I wouldn't feel like this. I have no problems with my partners other ex's and feel no ill feeling towards them. It's just her.

Seagull89 Mon 03-Apr-17 10:00:22

hmm

Seagull89 Mon 03-Apr-17 10:36:34

..

Dadaist Mon 03-Apr-17 12:30:20

I think the experience, or something about her or about his relationship with her is triggering some insecurities in you that are quite deep aren't they? Is there something in there that represents a deep fear for you? Or something that makes her seem more powerful, threatening or ever present?
You have spoken of the circumstances and events - but it sounds to me at least that there is something else you need to share about what it is that has got under your skin really?

Seagull89 Mon 03-Apr-17 13:13:25

I know that I'm insecure about it. And I think that stems from her messaging all the time, I think I felt her wanted her and because he didnt block her so soon, it caused me to think he was weighing up his options.

He's told me he's happier with me, (like I said) and I go massively out my way to make him happy. I don't feel like she has more over me, I bring a hell of a lot to the table. But it did knock my confidence.

LesisMiserable Mon 03-Apr-17 20:18:06

Stop bringing all your stuff to the table and relax!!

Dadaist Tue 04-Apr-17 00:23:14

Relationships rarely just break - they unravel. And there are usually loose ends to clear up. If they were together a long time (2 years?) and he ended it then he will have felt some responsibility for her welfare - even if she is batshit crazy!
You seem completely oblivious to the prospect that his new relationship with you was likely to trigger his (crazy?) ex to panic that she really was going to lose him. He behaved humanely by all accounts. I think you don't know when you've won in wanting him to have been cruel and hurtful to her so as to make you feel 'secure' two months in to a relationship. You should have stayed out then and you should definitely drop it now. Sorry OP but you really need to see it from a perspective outside of yourself.

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