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Is this something I can say no to, and if it is how do I do it?

(13 Posts)
Karcheer Sun 02-Apr-17 20:28:17

I'm in my mid 40s, I've got A LOT of personal stuff going on.

My brother is a lot younger than me and he is getting married next year to a girl (who is lovely) who is much younger than him. She could very, very easily be my daughter. She has two younger sisters.
My mum has not explicitly but hinted enough (my mum can't keep a secret for toffee) that I'm going to be asked to be a bridesmaid along with her sisters.

I don't want to be a bridesmaid, I'm happy to help, but I feel way to old to be one. I also have the personal stuff which means I don't want to either.

How can I say no to this without really upsetting everyone?

Thank you.

Dozer Sun 02-Apr-17 20:29:53

You would not be at all unreasonable to say no to being a bridesmaid: just say no thank you and you'd prefer to be a guest! If anyone gets upset they're being unreasonableZ

Dozer Sun 02-Apr-17 20:30:30

Unless your brother's fiance is 16 (and even then....) she's a woman, not a girl!

purplecoathanger Sun 02-Apr-17 20:31:08

If you do get asked just tell them what you've told us. There's no guarantee that they won't be upset but if you really don't want to do it then don't.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 02-Apr-17 20:32:05

Can you explicitly hint to your mum that your answer is maybe you future sil won't ask?

BorisJohnsonsHair Sun 02-Apr-17 20:34:14

Can you drop some subtle hints before you get asked? Maybe about how it's always lovely to see young girls as bridesmaids, and that older bridesmaids look out of place, that sort of thing?

They may also be asking you out of courtesy too, so may be quite relieved if they think you don't want to do it.

Karcheer Sun 02-Apr-17 20:37:07

andtheband I have said to my mum I don't want to, but she says she's not getting involved :/
dozer sorry, still refer to my girlfriends as girls and they haven't seen 16 in a looooong time!

Sierra259 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:37:35

Just say you're flattered and will do as much as you can to help with wedding stuff, but you have so much going on at the moment, you don't want to commit to anything more.

Are you and your future SIL close? Or is she asking you just because you're her fiance's sister? If it's the latter, I really can't see anyone getting too offended if you say no.

NoLotteryWinYet Sun 02-Apr-17 20:40:44

I'm ancient but if your DB wants you to be a bm, is it only feeling old that's stopping you? I've been at weddings where the BM was 6 months pg, divorced, 40 - seriously, are you just worried you are to old? You're not and the rules are rubbish. If you really don't want to, of course that's fine but I wouldn't let an arbitrary number or outdated sense of 'appropriateness' hold me back

cece Sun 02-Apr-17 21:04:24

I was asked to be a bridesmaid for my sister but didn't want to do it as my first baby was due just a few weeks prior to the wedding. No one seemed upset and I offered to do a reading in the church instead.

Darbs76 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:28:37

I was a pregnant bridesmaid at my brothers wedding - 22 wks and really didn't want to be one. But at the end of the day it was their daily and I just sucked it up, I didn't want to cause any bad feelings. You won't really be required to do much - a couple of days out to pick dresses if that. Up to you and depends on how you think they will take it but I'd personally just do it

travailtotravel Sun 02-Apr-17 22:00:09

I turned down my brothers offer to be bridesmaid some years ago. I had various reasons to do this, but one of the factors in my favour was distanced - I lived in Cornwall at the time so fittings etc would have been impossible. I had to repeatedly say no and express that it was not personal or intended to be offensive but my preference was not to be a bridesmaid. They took it in the end, there were some comments on the day from interferring rellies but I stick by my decision. Stick by yours.

VestalVirgin Sun 02-Apr-17 23:11:47

How can I say no to this without really upsetting everyone?

"I have a lot of personal stuff going on and feel that an added responsibility would stress me out even more" should do it.

If that's the reason.

They probably include you out of politeness because the bride's sisters are bridesmaids, and won't be offended if you don't want to.

But as you don't know for sure yet, perhaps they want to ask you to be the best (wo)man, and you wouldn't even be grouped with the young girls.

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