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What can I do? Can I refuse to let my husband in?

(48 Posts)
QuickDesperateNamechange Sun 02-Apr-17 20:24:16

I need some quick advice, my husband is on his way home and is drunk. He's had an ongoing problem with binge drinking which he's been trying to address. I've told him I don't want to see him in that condition and not to come home today. He's with his brother and they've been away for the weekend. I've told him to either stay away for another night or to go with his brother to his mum's and we can talk tomorrow.

He's insisting they're both coming here (as was the original plan, but not pissed up).

I've said I will not willingly let them in. Where do I stand? It's a joint mortgaged house. We're both professionals, he's quite a senior lawyer in his firm, I don't want to cause trouble and embarrassment if he turns up here, I was hoping he'd quietly go elsewhere until he was in a suitable state for discussion.

Should also add I've got a history of depression and anxiety (lightly medicated) and day to day I'm great at the moment but things like this rock me and right now it's got quite extreme - I feel like I'm on the edge of a more serious episode / breakdown, I can recognise the feelings.

What can I do? Got 2 young DCs upstairs so leaving the home isn't an option.

Bones2017 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:25:21

If he arrives and you're scared ring the police. Let him sleep it off in a cell. X

NotStoppedAllDay Sun 02-Apr-17 20:26:59

Well he's not doing anything wrong or illegal is he?


TheNaze73 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:29:47

YABU, if he's not done anything wrong.

shirleycartersaidso Sun 02-Apr-17 20:30:55

I don't think you can refuse him. Is he violent?

Whatatododo Sun 02-Apr-17 20:35:50

If he lives there, he is quite entitled to come home tonight. Any problems of course, that's a different matter.

Quimby Sun 02-Apr-17 20:44:45

No, you have no right to just not let him in because you don't like what he's doing

QuickDesperateNamechange Sun 02-Apr-17 21:38:36

He's not usually violent but has been in the past. It's been over 2 years since the last time.

I'm just going to try and stay out of his way. I came upstairs before he arrived back. He's going to do the usual and make out I'm mental and it'll be humiliating for me because his brother is here.

I just need some time and space to think. It's hard when I've got nobody to talk to and my husband always manages to make out that it's all because of my mental health issues.

I know it's been one of my coping strategies to try to "run away" from people and situations that trigger the depression and anxiety, now I can't use that strategy as it would mean leaving my children, so I suppose the nearest equivalent is to try to exclude my husband from my life at the stress flashpoints. And if I can't do that, I start to head towards breakdown. I think that's what's been happening with me this evening. The adrenaline and panic have passed their peak now.

Wish I knew what to do 😔

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Apr-17 21:40:08

I would send him a message saying "I've asked you not to come home when you're drunk. If you do come home, I won't let you in and I'll call the police."

I would send the message to him and his brother.

SandyY2K Sun 02-Apr-17 21:40:58

Unless there's more to this YABU. Where are people meant to go when drunk? Police officers get drunk and go back to their homes to you know.

Quimby Sun 02-Apr-17 21:42:43

"I would send him a message saying "I've asked you not to come home when you're drunk. If you do come home, I won't let you in and I'll call the police."

I would send the message to him and his brother."

But to what end?
"I don't like this" isn't an actual reason to lock someone out.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 02-Apr-17 21:45:02

OP has already said he has been violent in the past, so it's not an unreasonable concern.

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 02-Apr-17 21:46:12

Of course you can't stop him coming home.

Is there more to this?

Just go out a mattress on the floor of one of your dc's rooms and bed in with them for the night - you don't need to see or speak to him at all.

Bobbins43 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:46:18

OP, is he back? Are you OK?

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 02-Apr-17 21:46:23

Put not out

PickAChew Sun 02-Apr-17 21:46:33

If he has a history of violence towards you, then it's probably worth calling 101 and asking where you stand with this.

If he does come into the house, keep your phone in your pocket. Do you have family or friends nearby that you can give a heads up that he's on his way home drunk and you're worried about how it will pan out?

bignamechangeroonie Sun 02-Apr-17 21:47:22

Don't send any message and get yourself somewhere safe. You never try to reason with drunk people.

You sound really anxious and like you can afford to go and stay somewhere else and get a decent and safe nights sleep.

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 02-Apr-17 21:50:04

Oh and keep your phone on you with 999 predialled so you just have to press call if you have reason to be scared or feel in danger.

Was he drunk last time he was violent towards you? Has he not been drunk since?

You'd think having his brother there will make him behave?

Gallavich Sun 02-Apr-17 21:54:53

I don't think you can do much tonight
However, a husband who binge drinks and has a history of violence is a guaranteed cause of anxiety. I would hope that you take steps to get away from him in the near future and I'm sure you will find your anxiety much improved.

MadeForThis Sun 02-Apr-17 21:59:03

Try and get some sleep in one of the kids rooms. Hopefully he won't cause any trouble with his brother there. If he tries to talk just don't engage.
Have a serious talk tomorrow when he sobers up.

Notthemessiah Sun 02-Apr-17 21:59:14

Depends how much you want to stay married. Unless you genuinely fear for your safety (and sounds to me that this is an issue with his drinking rather than anything else) then locking him out of his house and humiliating him in front of his brother might make him have serious thoughts about staying with you.

If he has a genuine problem with alcohol and you want to help him with it, this is not the right way.

Does sound like he is not the most pleasant of men though, so maybe you are better off without him anyway?

QuickDesperateNamechange Sun 02-Apr-17 22:00:03

Yes they're here. They're downstairs, still drinking, I'm upstairs. I don't think I'm in danger while his brother's here. If it wasn't for the kids I'd go off to a hotel but I can't leave them. I've got my mobile and a landline phone in the room with me.

Yes he was drunk when he was last violent - he's been drunk every time he's been violent (but not violent every time he's been drunk). There have also been times when he hasn't come home because he's been too drunk to be able to know how and where to go. Many years back he spent the odd night in the cells because of being drunk. That was before I knew him so how on earth he can blame me for his drinking is beyond me hmm

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 02-Apr-17 22:00:58

Yep sleep in one of the kids rooms and wedge the door!

Starlight2345 Sun 02-Apr-17 22:01:30

My Exh ( wasn't ex at the time) strangled me and got a police caution..The police told him he had a legal right of entry as we had a joint tenancy.

I think if this is your level of anxiety and history of violence ..Your relationship needs looking at seperate to tonight..

I would avoid him tonight.

HeavenlyEyes Sun 02-Apr-17 22:04:34

Would you contact Women's Aid. A violent drunk is not someone you should put up with or deserve. I would presume your anxiety is due to the stress of living with an abusive man.

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