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I need help - abuse?

(15 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Moonstar4 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:48:14

Hi, (sorry this is long)

I'm not really sure what else to do, I need someone to speak to but I don't want to speak face to face with someone or call a line.
I am really upset, earlier today me and my fiancé were just bickering, over something silly, he was cuddling our daughter to sleep and I'm really having trouble with her sleeping so I said no, and went to pick her up. It started with him just pushing my hands away, and I was getting frustrated but it was still calm, he then kicked me away, it wasn't hard but still. Then I kept trying to pick her up because he needed to calm down, he kicked me a few more times and got up and walked up after kicking me Hard on my hip (although didn't really hurt). Eventually he walked out the room and laid her down and came back into the room I was with and pushed me back onto the sofa, holding my arms and said something I can't remember. I went and then picked her up and sat with her and she's fine, my son was listening and started crying, I told him everything was fine, and he had forgotten within a minute.
This isn't the first time something has happened, maybe the 4/5th but never anything that serious, so I think I just play it off.

I don't really know why I'm asking anybody what to do, I know exactly what I would say if anyone told me. I know I don't really want to do anything about it, and then I feel really pathetic for thinking that. If we ever argue or even when this happened, my brain like forgets it (if that makes sense) like I don't know if I'm blocking it, I can still remember but I don't feel like it's actually happened.

I'm really not sure what I'm looking for by writing this out, maybe just to get a response from someone because I never tell anyone anything about my relationship. I don't have a best friend, just friends, and I wouldn't tell my family. I want everyone to think I'm in a great relationship, and can't talk about the bad things with anyone.

Neverknowing Sun 02-Apr-17 19:54:15

You sound similar to me, not that I'm in an abusive relationship but I would probably block it out too. I think when someone does something nice you forget how awful they are. You do need to get some counselling, really try and force yourself to go and speak to someone with the view to eventually leaving this man. He could really hurt you or even your children. Even if he doesn't do that he's probably making you feel like shit and fucking with your self esteem, which isn't good for you or your children. Also think of the message it's sending your son, is he going to think it's cool to treat women like that? Please don't allow his behavior to become normal to your children and write everything he does in a journal so that when you do get out you have proof and also so you can remember exactly what he's like.

highinthesky Sun 02-Apr-17 19:56:49

You are a victim of DC and you know it flowers

Whether you choose to continue to be a victim is upto you.

highinthesky Sun 02-Apr-17 19:57:04


blueRinser2002 Tue 04-Apr-17 11:12:06

What kind of mood is he in when this happens ? Is he playful laughing or nasty ? Not that anything excuses him kicking you .

BeKind89 Tue 04-Apr-17 19:44:42

We sound very similar. You can always give out great advice but never take it for yourself?
You know what could happen. You know that it's escalated already, it's happened more than once.
I'm in such a similar situation, but fortunately my boyfriend has never actually put his hands on me in a threatening way (whether it's meant to be threatening or not, it's what you feel to be threatening).
But he's very emotionally abusive and when we argue, I feel so beat down that it's almost like I can't give a valid reason for why he's upset me. I get flustered and end up apologising or we just sweep it under the rug (healthy).
We also have a child, so I know how you feel like that's your main reason for staying and trying to make things work.
But honestly, ask yourself, are you just making excuses for why you can't leave?
We can only change the way we are treated by activity doing something about it.

Still, I may be a hypocrite saying this as I haven't yet had this he balls to realise what's happening and leave.

But just know I'm here to talk if you want x

Moonstar4 Thu 06-Apr-17 11:32:16

Thank you beKind89, we half talked about what happened, and he has apologised (he's not very good at talking).

BlueRinser2002, I've never really seen him lose his temper like that, the previous times we have really been arguing and I really was pushing his buttons, and I was never hurt and he wasn't trying to hurt me. I don't feel I'm being abused, but then maybe no one does?! I've said if anything ever happens again like that I will call the police and that will be the end. He kind of isn't talking too seriously about it, so I think he's very regretful. But I've decided this can be his chance, and if it ever does happen again then that's the end because I won't be treated like that

Adora10 Thu 06-Apr-17 11:51:43

He kicked you persistently then high kicked you in the hip and you don't think you are being abused, really OP? All this in front of your children putting them at both mental and physical harm; he sounds a complete cunt and you would be mad to keep covering for him; he's assaulting you regularly and you are putting it down to pressing his buttons - I mean c'mon OP, nobody, not even this little git has the right to put his hands or any other violation of your body and space; this is beyond normal but has become your norm; you can change it though; you don't have to suffer it and tell yourself it's normal cos it only happens when you press his buttons; what happens when the kids do the same; do they get the same treatment then - sorry to say but every time he does this you accept it so why on earth would he stop; he obviously enjoys it cos it makes him feel like the big man (far from it in my book; just a bully who can't control his temper and thinks you are there for the kicking, just awful.

Adora10 Thu 06-Apr-17 11:54:30

And he's not regretful, regretful is one mistake if even that, he's assaulted you over and over so where is the regret OP?

Until you stop thinking you want everyone to think you are in a great relationship nothing will change; he will not change.

blueRinser2002 Sat 08-Apr-17 15:43:55

Try a search on domestic abuse and it usually gives you a list of red flags to look out for . When I did this I there were things on there I didn't realise were abuse /control . See what you think . Take care in deleting your history search .
Thinking of you OP flowers

FlissMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 08-Apr-17 21:53:07

Hi there Moonstar4,

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope might be some help.
If you'd like to, please feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ flowers

YellowCrocus Sat 08-Apr-17 22:24:28

It's not ok for a man to use his strength to intimidate you - not ever. It is especially not ok for that to happen in front of a child. It is sounds like you already know that. I know that the standard MN response is LTB and that isn't always practical or even always the best thing to do, but you need to make this a big deal and explain that this is an absolute no - your relationship can't continue if this happens again.

debbs77 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:41:52

I can't tell really from your post, but why were you trying to take her away from him? He was cuddling her to sleep, I assume you didn't want her to sleep. So why did you try to take her off him? And repeatedly? Were you just as much to blame in this situation? Did he use his legs to move you away from him as he was holding your daughter? Because I would! I wouldn't kick, no, but I would use them if I felt someone was being antagonistic and wasn't allowing me my space

Moonstar4 Mon 10-Apr-17 16:22:38

debbs77, I didn't want her to sleep and I she's sleeping really badly, I've said so many times I don't want him to cuddle her to sleep because it adds to the problem. From your point - that's what I'm thinking..

debbs77 Mon 10-Apr-17 18:08:56

I get that, I would feel the same and have told my ex partner the same. However, you physically trying to take her from him, repeatedly, is very undermining, and getting in to his personal space

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