Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Cheating - How to get past it?!(25 Posts)
Been married over 5 yrs and together over 7 yrs. Went on girlie holiday last year and met a guy who was absolutely handsome and the fact that he actually fancied me made me feel things I havent felt in a while! so we met for a "date" when we got home and he didnt seem keen after that but I was really into him and I was hanging onto details from the night. This went on for couple of months and we slept together and it was even worse as I was falling for him hard and he had the polar opposite feeling for me. Couple of months later, after several cancellations on the day we were to meet up, I kind of confront and he says its best we dont see each other as I'm not gf material (he says I'm hot and would sleep me right now if he had the chance) and then I get text from him saying he wants to meet up and of course I jumped at the offer but he does his usual of cancelling on the day. Then few weeks later I send a platonic text and he says he is seeing someone. I felt like someone pulled out my guts! WTF is wrong with me?! I'm not this kind of person normally and this is killing me - the constant stalking him and his new gf on IG. This is the lowest point of my life! This has been affecting my day to day life for a while and I dont know what to do with myself.
I'm not expecting empathy or feel better messages but how to move on from this horrible dark place. I need some help from strong women like you. I need to forget this guy and every spare second I get, I think about the only 2 nights we spent together when I can be grateful about my husband and what a generous person he is! I found out he was on hol with this girl when he ended things with me and it hurt me really because he didnt even bother to ask if I got home ok after leaving late that night. He clearly didnt have respect for me but dont know why I still want him!? Please help me see past this!
Some people, need something to chase. It's a bad habit to have
You have been used and abused by a player when you were vulnerable. Live and learn.
You cheated on your husband and are now complaining that the guy you slept with hasn't treated you very well?
Well to be honest OP - you are hardly crippled with guilt for having cheated on your DH - who only gets a mention toward the end of your post - before returning to your BF 'drama'.
So I'm struggling to understand why you think a single guy (and a bit of a player by all accounts) is going to be pursuing a married woman following just a holiday tryst? You were a challenge and available. He's since discovered that you are (by your own admission I think) a little bit desperate, and for any player that means it's time to move on.
So on the one hand, the reawakened desires you've recently experienced can make you feel and act like a teenager. But on the other - you don't sound very mature either so I wonder if you married young? (and by mistake!).
I think you can get over this guy by realising that rejection can lead to feeling a loss of pride - and that being desired by him again will restore your pride. But that doesn't equate to genuine feelings of love, and is pretty focussed back on yourself.
Are you gong to tell your DH?
You aren't girlfriend material if your married though are you?
I wonder what your marriage vows really mean to you. I think you would benefit from counselling.
I hope karma kicks you in the arse soon so your "generous" husband can find someone better for him than you.
Yep, you demonstrated how easy you were, then went a bit bunny boiler....not surprised he doesn't want anything else to do with you. Can you look into self esteem /fidelity issues counselling?
No, no, no.
I'd just give up, you're spinning a very tangled web. Don't be that person, you. need to cut off alll contact and have nothing to do him, he's nothing to you and you're nothing to him. Move on. Honestly, coming off desperate is an absolute turn off, that coupled with the fact you're married is definitely gunna have him running for the hills.
You shouldn't really be acting like this if you're married, you need to decide what you want and whether you love your husband. You need to look at what's caused you to go out seeking another person.
Where do you see your husband on this situation?
this has only made me appreciate my husband million times more and the last few months has been our best times as we had got along much better and spend more time together.
having read the comments here really snapped me into reality and although what I did was an awful disrespectful thing to do, I'm really not a terrible person! I hadn't checked their IG last couple of days. the fact that just from what i said made me sound so desperate, I couldn't bring myself to think about this affair anymore.
you are right I don't mean anything to this guy and neither does he. I do feel better for it but I really cant tell my husband as it will not just be the end of the relationship but my life as I know it. I come from a conservative family and they would instantly disown me and the fact that I would lose my family and friends will definitely not give me reason to live. I just cannot bear to live with the shame of my family and friends judging me/ disowning me as a result of this.
I do want to make my marriage work and just learn from this to be grateful with I have and not have the mentality of "the grass is always greener on the other side" as I have just discovered that its not always the case.
thank you for taking time to respond. I do appreciate it.
Quick turnaround there OP. It will take time but you can do it and soon sign with relief that it didn't go any further. One day you will cringe at your behaviour.
Be patient and kind to yourself.
Coming from someone who has quite recently been cheated on, please do not do this to your husband. You can't understand the betrayal and hurt you feel until you are put into this position. Stop chasing this other man and let it go. If you truly appreciate your husband like you say you do then start showing him.
Make sure you get rid of any evidence, my H didn't and 11 years later it has come back to bite him on the arse and to me seems worse than if I found out at the time , to be frank, I would rather not have known at all or known at the time
Your poor bloody H.
Tell him and give him the chance to decide if he wants to stay with you or would prefer not to. As you already know he wouldn't stay with you this means you are setting yourself up to lie to him for the rest of your relationship.
I hope you have been as careful as possible and are not risking his sexual health.
"Make sure you get rid of any evidence"
Or, actually be honest with your husband and give him the option to continue with the marriage in full knowledge of who you are.
The difference between advice given on here when the woman has cheated on her husband to when a man does can be astonishing sometimes.
It is incredibly unfair to lie to your husband like this. It's not your decision to continue the marriage, it should be his.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Collective judgement from women who have been through a lot can instantly put things into perspective and I quite honestly deserved it too. I think I’ve gone into this mode where I'm disappointed in myself for doing this to us and makes me shiver with shame if I ever think about it – quite the contrast from few days ago.
Unfortunately I will not tell my husband. I do think we have a better future this way. We do love each other and besides this terrible thing that I’ve done, I’ve always treated him better. This is nothing but a regret but glad it has made me appreciate him more in a different light. I know I'm taking away that choice but because I'm not actively looking to cheat constantly, this was a definitely complete one-off where I got caught in the moment and let that spin out of control. I’ve definitely learnt my lesson!
Thank you again to those who have been kind to me. I sometimes needed to hear that too.
I have seen this happen many times. Men who are "players" can sniff out an unhappily married woman at 20 paces. And they can be very easy prey indeed. Often desperate for some male attention. But best of all, not available for a relationship, so the guy gets the sex without having to give much in return.
Firstly don't fall for it again. Secondly, try to figure out why you went down this path in the first place. There is obviously something very, very wrong in your marriage.
Finally, consider that men who target married women for sex, are not ever going to be good BF/DH material. He sounds like a scumbag to me.
Sorry I should’ve made it clear. This guy didn’t/ doesn’t know I'm married. Don’t know if he found out at all (via fb etc as I know he was looking at my profile)
Not sure how much more hatred I’m going to attract from this admission but I think you have all helped me get to the place I wanted to be. Thanks for the advice.
By the way when I said get rid of evidence if going down this route, I am the one who was cheated on , I would much rather he had told me at the time but as he didn't, 11 years down the line I would rather not have known , than know years later!!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.