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Please help me make sense of this....

(50 Posts)
Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:09:20

I need some opinions on wether I am just being sensitive and expecting too much OR if I'm quite right to be feeling pissed off!

My partner left for work this morning 6:30, just as I was coming downstairs with my 3yo (prev relationship) and our 7 month old baby, ready to fill an 11 hour day with them on my own. As he went to leave he kissed me, kissed the baby and my 3yo was just sat there. He didn't even attempt to say goodbye to her. So I said, "what about E?" His response was that he didn't think she would want to. Now the thing is, they have a strained relationship, my daughter is very hot and cold with him which results in him not bothering. That is my issue. We have had talk after talk about him putting in the work and effort with E, lengthy discussions about how important it is that there is no difference between 3yo and baby. I feel that something isn't right and I have tried and tried to get through to him, I'm at the point now where I'm thinking it's at the point where if I don't do something about it soon it's going to affect her. He's great with me, with baby but with my 3yo all he sees is the tantrums or the strops, nothing good. I just don't know how much more I can try to drum into him that he needs to put more work in with my daughter. He's been in her life since she was 16 months old, am I right in thinking we shouldn't be having these issues? It's not like he's a new person in her life, in fact I imagine she can't remember her life without him being in it. All this aside....

I text him on his break and asked why he didn't acknowledge E this morning, he said a few things and then said he had to go.

Today I have cleaned the house, walked with the baby and 3yo to go shopping, lunch, park, flower shopping, walked home, we've planted seeds etc I've fed and changed the baby all day, mowed the grass etc he comes back from work and says nothing at all. The only reason I knew he was there was because I looked up, seen him there and jumped!! He says bare minimum to me. I then made dinner, gave him his dinner, no thank you or anything, I fed the baby hers while I ate mine, he finished his and just sits down right next to us, no offer to take over or anything. Puts his plate in the kitchen, no attempt at washing up while in STILL feeding the baby. Just sits there. I had to ask him to do baby's pjs. Still not talking to me, hasn't asked what we've been doing, no recognition of everything I have done today. Nothing. I feel like the house maid.

I just don't know what to do anymore

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:31:38


TheElephantofSurprise Sun 02-Apr-17 20:33:31

He's not the right man to bring up your 3yo. So, what are you going to do?

Studyinghell Sun 02-Apr-17 20:34:38

Sounds like you've got 3 kids to me

Belle1102 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:40:10

This isn't a good situation. Your daughter is going to start having a complex that your other child is the favoured one. He clearly has a problem with her and doesn't want to be bothered with her, which to me spells disaster for the future.
I think you need to sit down together and lay all your cards on the table.
Explain to him how much this is upsetting you, and how he also needs to help out a little bit more in the evenings when he's home, even if it's just doing the dishes.
If he truly loves you then hopefully that'll be enough to give him a much needed wake up call. If he just gets defensive and doesn't agree with what you're saying then you need to get rid of him pronto

Joysmum Sun 02-Apr-17 20:41:38

My DH had similar when our DD was 3 as he was working long and unpredictable hours and I was the constant and consistent one in her life.

It hurt him that she didn't look to him and I too had to tell him to ditch his hurt and pride and make more of an effort as he was the adult. He stepped up and things improved.

I say this to show this isn't necessarily down to him not being her biological father as it wasn't in our case. You'd be best placed to make that call though.

Moanyoldcow Sun 02-Apr-17 20:42:06

Has he always been like this with her? 3 year olds aren't 'hot and cold' - his relationship with her is for him to make. He doesn't sound interested to me. I've never been in this position but i would put no one before my children. In my opinion, if he won't step up then you need to move on.

The silent treatment is not acceptable - it's controlling and he's trying to make you feel insecure so you ignore his bad treatment of your daughter.

What are you going to do? Personally I'd be heading off...

Joysmum Sun 02-Apr-17 20:46:13

3 year olds aren't 'hot and cold'

Mine was smile

Underthemoonlight Sun 02-Apr-17 20:48:39

I have a DS from previous relationship he would never not acknowledge him. I have a three year old dd and she is a daddy's girls so I can't imagine her not having such a firm bond with her dad is she picking up on her resentment towards her as that how it's going to appear especially seeing her sibling getting acknowledged

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:49:35

Well right now I am sat on the sofa whilst I'm being ignored... he's sat on the floor on his phone with his back to me. I asked him earlier what his problem was, he got defensive saying the usual "I've done nothing wrong" (he never has hmm) seems to me that he's got the hump because I'm annoyed at how he dismissed my daughter this morning and so I suffer for it.

I can't be doing with this alll the time.

I feel so brainwashed. If this was a friend telling me this I would obviously say get rid and quick. But it's so hard. It's like in the end I will be spiting one of my children whichever way I go sad

I feel like I'm hanging on and hanging on because I don't want to have to go through another big break up and asking him to leave, contact arrangements etc and I can't see it being a friendly arrangement where the baby is concerned. He and his family will be a nightmare

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:50:36

And yes he's been like this since she was about 2

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:50:37

Your dp is giving off 'I don't give a fuck about you' vibes to your child. . That explains the child's behaviour.
No explanation for the adult tho.
Solution is an easy one .
And sooner rather than later before your child is damaged emotionally.

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:51:33

Also, if u read my previous posts I have asked for advice about him so many times.

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:51:59

Wish - that's my biggest fear in all this sad

Mysterycat23 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:53:51

If this was a friend telling me this I would obviously say get rid and quick.

There's your answer OP. It sucks but it's true.

NettleTea Sun 02-Apr-17 20:57:33

so offhand with your DD ever since you got pregnant?

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:00:04

No, he has a real issue with my ex, I get the feeling it's because she's part of him. For a long time I couldn't even say my little girls surname without him getting annoyed at me and wanting to know why I say 3yo full name but never my baby's

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:00:58

I sometimes sit and think you wouldn't have behaved like this towards her when we first met so what makes it ok now?!

PrincessPlod Sun 02-Apr-17 21:04:30

I'm a step parent and to be honest when they don't. Live with its hard however he is with your daughter every day and has been since she was 16 months. He is the one with the problem and I wouldn't want her feeling like she was second best. Also he does need to pull his weight otherwise he would be kicked to the kerb.

TessyFew Sun 02-Apr-17 21:07:53

On one hand I really want to say he's acting like a child and needs to stop being selfish. My stepdad had a really hard time with me and my sister. We made it very very hard for him because we, even at a young age, blamed him for not living with out daddy anymore. He persevered and remained consistent with us. He was an adult basically. We eventually learned we could trust him and our relationship flourished.

So devil's advocate side - maybe he's really struggling to understand how to behave with your daughter. It might feel obvious how to behave to everyone here but there's a lot of pressure on steparents to get it right. Perhaps he feels rejected (which although I find difficult to tolerate even typing) by her when she goes a bit cold just as me and my sister did.

It's a tough situation. Is there anyone you know that's had to be a steparent to a child that you can get advice from?

NettleTea Sun 02-Apr-17 21:08:24

It isnt OK now, but he thinks you will have to put up with it or leave
and he doesnt reckon you will leave

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:14:16

This is the thing, they will have good moments, in one moment she will run upto him for a cuddle and in the next breath she wants him nowhere near her. I do feel it's something that could be rectified if he put in the effort

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:15:28

Also, he is the ONLY person she's like this with... she's so loving and friendly she wants to be friends with everybody, wants to plant with everybody.

Ricecrispies16 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:15:46


Nipplesunited Sun 02-Apr-17 21:15:50

I would tell him firmly what he needs to do. Be an adult! If he finds that too difficult to do then you will be showing him the door.
Your dd has feelings and doesnt seem to see this. If he does, he just doesnt care.

Personally i think you should just ltb.

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