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Stuck in obsessive stage.

(16 Posts)
Anonymoususer1938 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:46:46

I've been broken up now for 6 months. It was an on and off relationship which lasted a few years. We last had contact a few months ago. I broke NC and reached out. I was met with hostility and nasty comments.
Anyway that's the background. I've resolved never to make contact again but my problem at the moment is I realise, perhaps because of the nature of the relationship, that I've never got to the acceptance stage. I always still hold onto some hope that they will get in touch and this leaves me stuck obsessing about them. I'm trying all I can to move on such as dating, fitness training and pursuing interests but I always think of the relationship. In fact it's more a constant stream of thought. Is this normal? I just want this to end now. I can't afford therapy and to be honest I tried this a couple of times before and it didn't help. Does anyone have any book reccomendations for this particular type of obsessive ruminating?

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:13:47

It's more constant ruminating. It's a habit I'd like to break. Any book recommendations gratefully received.

NeonGod73 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:16:31

Why would you still hang onto someone who was nasty and hostile with you? Start dating and you'll find men who are equally loveable, if not more so.

strawberryfieldsfortrevor Sun 02-Apr-17 17:17:17

Google 'limerance'

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 02-Apr-17 17:23:32

I don't intentionally want to 'hang onto them'. I would love nothing more then to stop ruminating. Easier said then done. I just wondered if anyone has been through something similar or had any self help books they could recommend?

Shayelle Sun 02-Apr-17 17:33:38

Sometimes i think you have to just accept that youre not over it yet, so its still on your mind. It could be another 6 months before you start feeling over it and then naturally it wont be on your mind as much. Youre not weird to still be thinking about it lots flowers

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 02-Apr-17 18:39:27

Thanks Shayelle. I think I needed to hear that.

OnMyShoulders Sun 02-Apr-17 18:54:47

I don't have any advice OP cause I'm in exactly the same position myself. I too just want it to end. It's taking all the colour from my life. I just want to feel peace of bloody mind again. I believe that a shift will come in time.

heartbroken40 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:26:21

Same here. He is literally in my thoughts all the time. And the hope is there too. I will block him at some point so that he can never reach me again I am not at that stage yet but I will at some point.

Thing is, you (and I) are missing on a proper relationship because of them. Maybe we won't love them as much as this one (limerence anyone?) but we will have a safer and better love which can really last all your life.

I have gone on tinder, spoken to a couple of guys, anything to get distracted. Today I went a full hour not thinking of him and I think this is an incredible achievement.

Also, things that help me is reading stories about other people who got over losing the great love of their lives and also reading stuff about the fact that love is a chemical process.

Failing all this, I have decided to try antidepressants.

I hope this helps, and never ever think about the future but just about today. Every day you are a little farther from him and closer to finding someone who actually loves you and want to be with you.

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:36:33

It's very helpful to hear I'm not the only one going through this. I just hope it's not going to take meeting someone else to help me get over this as that's not guaranteed.

heartbroken40 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:42:00

Anonymous, there are hundred of people who suffer from this. Life has lost its shine, I am holding up on the outside but inside my brain is only concentrated on one thing (or better one person).

I do tell myself he behaved badly, that I respect myself and rationally I totally understand, but the missing out on all the things we were going to do together and the idea that I will never see him again really destroys me.

This is why I don't want to think in terms of never. Today has passed, tomorrow will pass too. He is living his life, probably not giving a shit about you (and mine about me) while we are pathetic wrecks. Yes, I am pathetic, but it will pass.

I always say to myself the best revenge is living your life to the full and that is what I will eventually do. And you too, I promise.

FairytaleOfSkegness Sun 02-Apr-17 19:46:19

I found "It's called a break up because it's broken" quite a good read. It's quite straight talking and blunt which I like

Shayelle Sun 02-Apr-17 19:53:04

Try not to think about if this is going to be solved by meeting someone else or not. You're actually going through a process of grieving. It takes time x

thegirlfromthehill Sun 02-Apr-17 22:23:08

I am facing the same and dreading it. So hard to break up with someone you love and with whom you were building a future. It hurts, for sure.

Biddylee Sun 02-Apr-17 22:40:19

I have been doing meditation as a way to calm the brain. I have been doing ten minutes a day for over two months and it allows me to step back from the obsessive thoughts and challenge them. It has also given me clarity in my thinking. The headspace ap will give you ten free sessions that you can keep reusing. Or look at You tube.

Other great places for advice is the Baggage Reclaim website. She has some great tips on how to get over someone.

noego Mon 03-Apr-17 11:37:53

The Power of Now Eckart Tolle.

It's in the past and you cannot predict the future so stay in the now. Just witness the thoughts, do not identify with them. They are after all just thoughts. Thoughts are not real. Believing in thought brings them to life and makes them real. Don't go there. let them go.

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