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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Horrible decision - please help!

61 replies

islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:26

So in July this year, my best friend of six years is going to cambodia for a month and a half to work and teach children English. To fund this, she is having a charity night to pay for the flights and raise money for this etc.

The problem with this is, I've already agreed to go to a hen weekend for my other friend, leaving on the day of this charity night. I'm in a dilemma because I'm closer to the friend going to cambodia, but this hen was booked and planned months before the charity night, so I feel like that's what I should stick to?

I feel like I'm letting my friend down for the charity night. I'm thinking of offering to help my friend set up the charity night and go for lunch with her, then leave and meet the other hens slightly later on, so I'm still present at that as well? It just means I won't be there for the actual evening when it's happening.

Please give me your advice and help! Sorry for the ramble just had to get it all out, haha.

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islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:27

I should also add that I've already paid £180 in advance for this hen. It's literally happening, booked, organised and paid already before this charity night was organised.

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Cricrichan · 02/04/2017 15:28

Could you miss one day of the hen weekend?

BastardGoDarkly · 02/04/2017 15:29

Your solution sounds perfect, surely the charity night friend will understand?

SayNoToCarrots · 02/04/2017 15:30

I would have immediately told my friend I had other commitments. Then again I hate voluntourism and people asking for charity to essentially go on holiday.

Moanyoldcow · 02/04/2017 15:35

Your solution is great and if I were your friend I would totally understand.

Dozer · 02/04/2017 15:35

First you are worrying way too much. Your charity friend chose to do this: her event, her problem. You had a prior commitment, and had committed money too.

Go to the hen do and don't do anything to help your charity friend unless you especially wish to.

Hen do trumps "charity" (plus holiday/experience/CV fodder) do!

Finola1step · 02/04/2017 15:39

It really is quite simple. You already have plans for that night. A hen do is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event. A trip to Cambodia possibly not. Help your friend beforehand and donate some cash if you can and want to.

islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:40

Thanks guys.

I could miss a day of the hen yeah, but then I feel like I've paid so much money to then miss a day? My view is it's money I've paid that shouldn't be wasted missing half of it. It can't be refunded because its hotel money, cocktail masterclass money etc it's all paid.

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islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:41

Thanks, I am quite the worrier about this haha. Yeah, I've already donated money as well and I was going to just buy her a card with the Cambodian currency inside as a present.

Thank you for the advice.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2017 15:41

Go to the hen night because you have already agreed to attend.

Has your friend actually got the necessary qualifications to teach English to these children and for only six weeks?. I would be seriously questioning this whole venture.

islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:43

Yeah she does, she's qualified to degree level just finished uni etc. She wanted to do something different so good for her for doing so. I wouldn't do it personally.

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RedSandYellowSand · 02/04/2017 15:43

Go to the hendo. It was arranged first.
Support your other friend in setting up the Charity do before hand - but prob not on the day. Buy raffle tickets if she is selling them, and help her get it going.
And enjoy your cocktail making. Clashes happen. And the day will cost a fortune if you loose 180 on the hen do, and then spend a fortune at the charity do to buy your friend flights for her "holiday".

MegFlyAway · 02/04/2017 15:43

FYI in Cambodia they use US dollars 😊

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2017 15:43

Re money for Cambodia, US dollars are widely accepted and are used for most transactions over US$1. Ensure that all such bills are undamaged.

Esoteric · 02/04/2017 15:46

I am not very pro this kind of volunteerism . It's very big business I'm sorry to say , 'some'companies make big money from it. . I am however very pro genuine volunteerism and there are many reputable places that do this and whilst you don't get paid as such, costs are covered. You have paid for the other thing, so I would offer a donation but say really sorry you are already committed and have paid to do something else, any friend would understand

islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:47

Thanks guys, didn't know that either re Currency. Yeah I've bought raffle tickets already, helped her find prizes (my boyfriend works for a large events company - he's sourced her free dinner vouchers, free tombola prizes etc) so I do feel like I have done my part even though I won't be there on the night.

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islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:48

Thank you Esoteric. I will speak to her tonight. She is very genuine and excited to be helping over there. Think she just wanted to challenge herself.

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lottieandmia · 02/04/2017 15:48

I'm definitely of the opinion that you should always honour the commitment you made first.

Dozer · 02/04/2017 15:49

You've already done plenty. Just look forward to and enjoy the hen do!

happypoobum · 02/04/2017 16:04

I wouldn't try to split my time you will end up upsetting everyone.

Just stick to the original commitment to go to the hen do.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 02/04/2017 16:04

I think you should honour the first commitment too, it's what I teach,my children so follow as an adult.

Personally, I hate charity events like this which enable people to do something they want whilst somebody else funds it.

islassor93 · 02/04/2017 16:05

Thank you so much. I just needed that little bit of extra reassurance that my decision was correct.

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EweAreHere · 02/04/2017 16:06

You honor your previous commitment.

You can always donate some money to her cause, but frankly, supporting an organization that trains their own teachers would probably be more useful to Cambodians. A month and a half of 'teaching' is a jolly, and like someone else has said, 'big business'; training Cambodians and people who live and work there would be more helpful.

AntiHop · 02/04/2017 16:09

You should go to the hen. It would be rude to miss it when it was all already arranged.

5moreminutes · 02/04/2017 16:10

You know a month and a half in Cambodia is just a holiday really? Unless she is a qualified and experienced EFL teacher I'd take the "charity" tag out of your equation. It's pretty cheeky asking other people to pay for her flights...

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