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Relationship with DB

(11 Posts)
summerholsdreamin Sun 02-Apr-17 10:33:45

Looking for some advice on how to handle a family situation.

My only DB/sibling lives with his family about 2 1/2 hours away in same town as SilL's family.

Generally we only see them about
2/3 times a year and those occasions are always on their terms. We are never invited and Any visit (which I will have instigated) has to be planned literally months in advance, with any manner of reasons why it can be organised more spontaneously.

However the few occasions they come down to us (again only if I invite) they literally give us a one date option and of course we drop everything to see them.

Strange thing is that when we are together we all (appear) to have a great time. All seems relaxed and happy.

Usually I'm ok with the lack of time together and accept we all lead busy lives, (although do miss seeing my niece and nephew grow up). However I'm having a bit of a shit time at the moment and wanted to get away for a few days, plus chance for my DCs to catch up with their only cousins. I texted DB (never answers his phone), explained situation and said we were totally flexible over the hols and it would be lovely to see them if we could come up just for a couple of days.
He texted straight back with a million reasons why we couldn't possibly stay and we could "look to arrange something later in the summer".

Totally disregarded the subtext that I could do with a bit of emotional support.

So I don't really know where to go with this. It's really made me reevaluate the situation. Sometimes I honestly feel that if I didn't push to see them, we would have no relationship at all which makes me feel so sad. We always had such a strong relationship. I try hard not to bring SiL into this but have suspicions she may be part of the reason. They are literally surrounded by SiL's family who they see daily yet DB can't make the effort to see his own (v small) family more than a 3 times a year, if we're lucky. Our DM is on her own and again only gets to see DB if she pushes.

Guess the questions are: do I just accept this is the way it is and be grateful for any morsels of attention he gives us, OR, do I have an honest convo with him about missing him and feeling hurt that he doesn't make more of an effort. My fear is with the 2nd option that he may just walk away altogether.
If perhaps this was a friend, I'd probably accept this was the end of the line, but this is my DB and I cant just to let him walk away.

Chloe84 Sun 02-Apr-17 10:38:17

I would have to go with 2nd option, hurtful though the outcome would be.

Where do visits happen? Always at yours?

When is the last time you went to DB's house?

ivykaty44 Sun 02-Apr-17 10:39:33

Text back that you are disappointed at his lack of support, spell it out to him that you didn't just want to visit but wanted support from your brother and feel let down.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Apr-17 10:44:44

You may not have wanted him to walk away but it seems like he already has.

What attention does his family give you really; its all one sided on your part and any visits from you to him and his family to you are instigated by you. He has done nothing to maintain a relationship and you have done all the work here. You sadly have become grateful for any crumbs he throws your way.

Your SIL and he both may be close to her family on many levels and are certainly closer than is he to either your mother or you. Its his choice and he has chosen them to make them a priority.

What was your brother like as a child and what was his relationship like with you back then? Also what was his relationship like with his mum? That needs considering too.

How are you going to have any sort of conversation with him if he never answers his phone?. I would write him a letter stating only the fact that you are sad that contact is not more frequent between you and leave it at that; his response will tell you all you need to know.

summerholsdreamin Sun 02-Apr-17 10:47:49

Thank you

The last time we were at theirs was last July and they came down to us on a strict "48 hour" window just before Just before Xmas

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Apr-17 10:47:55

This sort of issue should not be addressed through text messaging. He never answers his phone so why would he respond to a text from his sister?. Writing a letter, old fashioned that it is, is more appropriate.

I think OP that you have been given the polite brush off; for his own reasons he does not want to know. It says far more about him as a person than it ever would say about you.

summerholsdreamin Sun 02-Apr-17 11:12:25

Yes and as heartbreaking as it is reading your posts, I realise that you are all right.

Thinking on, our DPs went through a nasty divorce when we were young teens and DF literally walked away. I think for whatever reasons DB has a lot of resentment towards DM regarding the fallout. I think he felt very neglected.

However, he and I were thick as thieves and always had a strong bond. In fact he gave me away at my wedding. I am also Godmother to my niece.

Neither of us are the best at expressing our feelings and I think that's why I've always steered away from any confrontation. However I see that if I want any clarity or indeed even closure on this, I owe it to both of us to be honest.

summerholsdreamin Sun 02-Apr-17 11:50:57

Also have no idea where to begin with a letter without sounding PA or needy

summerholsdreamin Sun 02-Apr-17 13:17:19


Any advice on how to word a letter?

ForalltheSaints Sun 02-Apr-17 13:20:26

Whatever comes of your relationship with your brother, try and keep contact with your niece and nephew, even if only remembering their birthdays and Christmas.

summerholsdreamin Sun 02-Apr-17 13:26:24

Oh yes of course. They are gorgeous and what makes all this so much harder.

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