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DH with serious illness

(79 Posts)
oneleggedfatbird Sat 01-Apr-17 20:51:22

Long one ...Where to start? Our marriage has been a bit rocky right from the beginning but we love each other (I think) and have the two most amazing kids. 2016 was a horrible year for everyone, but I feel like I must have been Hitler in a former life because it was particularly bloody awful for us. First off, in January, DH gets the sack for telling an annoying colleague to f*ck off (it had been brewing for a while) and he sank into a depression. We argued, shouted, and were generally very unhappy. It got to the point where we just didn't speak to each other and he liked to call me horrible names that he he knew would upset me (on a positive note, I have now taken ownership of c*nt so it doesn't bother me so much any more). Roll on to summer, I ask him if he wants to salvage the marriage and if so, we need to go to Relate. He agreed! So in August, we started, things went reasonably ok (or so I thought) and we started getting on better by October. We had a month or so af relative calm then he was diagnosed with a brain tumour at the beginning of December. I thought he'd had a stroke so dragged him to the GP, who referred him to neurologist, who scanned him and found a tennis ball sized lump in his head! We get through Xmas and new year waiting for op date, and finally got one for mid Jan. It was a massive op, bloody awkward position. Histology came back as it being an aggressive cancer, which we weren't expecting, a big shock. The whole episode to this point was unbelievably stressful. He was weirdly oblivious to what was going on. Four days post op, I cracked; he had a go at me for forgetting something. I ran away, I told him I'd had enough. I have a long history of depression and anxiety, and really don't deal well with stress and I just snapped. I wasn't thinking straight and just left. I didn't see him for ten days dying which time, he'd been discharged and was staying with a friend. We slowly started communicating and he came home, but he has told me that he wants to live somewhere else, but we stay married. He is undergoing radiotherapy and I am taking him to the hospital every day, dealing with his meds, and generally nursing him. He has found a flat and is moving out in May. Now, yesterday, he got cross with me because I got irritated at him. But he wouldn't stop badgering me, taking the piss, making sarcastic comments, but I didn't respond, just cried. Because I have tried my best to make up for leaving him, I have really tried to make our marriage work. And he is so angry at me. He called me a c*nt twice, loudly in public and said how dare I leave him. Then he threw his wallet at me. I don't know if I want to stay married to him. He was horrible before all this but it seems to have made him worse. Oh god, what I'm asking is, how long would you stay with someone who abused you in public, when you know that they're I'll. Thanks!

LovelyBath77 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:56:21

I's sorry to hear of the illness and situation. I'm no expert here, but din;t want to read and run. I have recently been reading a book written by a brain tumour surgeon. I think there was something about mood changes when you operate on parts of the brain. Or it could be due to the stress as well. not excusing the behaviour though.

have you got kids? How so you feel about him moving into his own place? Would he need a carer or go into a hospice if things got worse / teminal? Maybe some things to think of. Kind thoughts.

Mamaka Sat 01-Apr-17 20:57:18

Just from what I've heard and read, isn't a brain tumour supposed to affect your personality and behaviour? How long has he been abusive like this?

Sounds like a separate flat is a good idea for a while.

ohdoadoodoo Sat 01-Apr-17 21:12:02

Irrespective of the tumour, he sounds like an arsehole.

And I would never be with anyone, who called me a cunt, or names to purposely hurt me. Who does that?

wherearemymarbles Sat 01-Apr-17 22:17:07

a tumour, can, depending on its location cause personality changes.

Id ask. Doesnt help you but will give you an explanation. What is his prognosis?

scottishdiem Sun 02-Apr-17 01:29:08

"Irrespective of the tumour, he sounds like an arsehole.

And I would never be with anyone, who called me a cunt, or names to purposely hurt me. Who does that?"

Perhaps the person with the tennis ball sized thing in the brain thats not supposed to be there.

If, more than a few years ago, he was like this with you OP then its nothing new and you can walk away as the stress will make things worse.

But if its new then you need to think about if what you did have can be got back if he gets better. Which is where speaking to the medical staff come in. If its a more permanent change then the move apart is a good one.

HarmlessChap Sun 02-Apr-17 01:42:10

As has been said a brain tumour can have an effect on personality, it will have taken time to grow that large and may have been why he behaved so badly towards you last year, it may even have played a part in telling the co-worker to fuck off.

I can not imagine the prognosis will be great for an aggressive cancer in a difficult to get at area, is there much chance of recovery?

oneleggedfatbird Sun 02-Apr-17 03:13:38

He's been told 3-5 years. And it's probably been growing for 10 years. I think it probably did contribute to last year being horrible. My ex was abusive, and this has caused all sorts of fears and memories to surface. I'm a mezz

oneleggedfatbird Sun 02-Apr-17 03:14:02


heyday Sun 02-Apr-17 05:17:49

It's a good idea for him to move into his own place. He has had a major operation and is living on borrowed time so what's the use of being with you if he can't cope with it and you are obviously very miserable. Once he has his own place you will both have some breathing space and you can then decide whether to remain as friends...I guess he could probably use a bit of friendly support right now or whether the separation is the beginning of the end. If you are both still arguing after he moves out then simply stay away until you just both drift away from each other and the final separation has developed. I think the breathing space will do you both good but you need to ensure that he has a proper carer in place or else that role could fall on your shoulders and that would be a bad situation for you to be in.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Apr-17 07:14:15

Abusive people get seriously ill too but they are still at heart abusive. He was also abusive to you before the tumour came to light as well so I would not stay with him at all now anyway. Do not further become his carer when he moves out.

You cannot make a marriage work on your own and he I would argue has only ever wanted to have his own private war with you. Such men hate women, all of them.

I think your children as well as you have been through more than enough already and it is ok to walk away now from him. Your ex was abusive and this man seems like a carbon copy of your ex; you left one abusive man simply to end up with another. It saddens me that you have actually stated you have taken ownership of the word c&nt likely because you have heard it so often from him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from you both?. Would you want your children as adults to have this type of relationship as well?

Let him move out in May and keep him out of your day to day lives as well.

What have the medical staff suggested happen re his longer term care?. My late FIL remained in hospital for many weeks because his type of brain tumour was also deemed inoperable. There was nowhere else for him to go because he was too ill to actually go home, there was no room at the local hospice and he was too ill to be accepted into a general nursing home. It took them a great number of weeks to actually find somewhere for him. His overall personality did not really change but his ability to recall any memories did.

Eastpoint Sun 02-Apr-17 07:25:04

From what I have read I suspect that the brain tumour may have caused personality changes, right back to before he was fired 15 months ago. What was he like 5 years ago? My friend's mother had a brain tumour and started to swear a lot at very inappropriate times. I presume he wants to stay married so you remain his next of kin and don't have to go through the expense and upset of a divorce. If he was previously a kind man can you possibly try & view his unpleasantness as part of his illness and try to cope?

Butterymuffin Sun 02-Apr-17 07:31:31

Does he ever apologise for any of this? It sounds very, very stressful and you're picking it all up, with no one to look after you. Can you say that you will walk away if he behaves like this in future, not engage, just go and leave him to it?

NormaSmuff Sun 02-Apr-17 07:42:30

sounds pretty coincidental about the aggressive behaviour and the tumour.
but if he wants to live in a flat i would let him.
it might make a difference to your relationship.
can you get advice from any brain tumour societies?

oneleggedfatbird Sun 02-Apr-17 08:07:51

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I am going to get some counselling through MacMillan. As for the future, I don't know how he pictures it. The flat is quite away across town with constant traffic. It will take half an hour each way. I feel like he wants his cake and eat it. I've already told him I'm not going to be an unpaid housekeeper (he got cross when I said that, because he says it wasn't his plan). There are so many daily battles I'm putting up with. The kids are stressed too. Today is my boy's 10th birthday. DH has already had a ho as ds opened his presents without him there (he was asleep and boy was excitedly bouncy) he says it was deliberately mean of me. There are more presents and I didn't consciously exclude him from the present opening! It just happened. I really am at bursting point. My GP has upped my anti depressants which was helping until the c*nt incident on Friday. Now I'm really not coping. I'm ruining on adrenaline (have been since December) and cortisol. I'm convinced I'm going to have a heart attack. I'm really trying to gold it together fir the kids but truth be told, I just want to run away

NormaSmuff Sun 02-Apr-17 08:10:18

i am not surprised op
thanks for all of you.

ohdoadoodoo Sun 02-Apr-17 08:28:17

Abusive people get seriously ill too but they are still at heart abusive. He was also abusive to you before the tumour came to light as well so I would not stay with him at all now anyway

Absolutely. Having a tumour does not give people the right to call their loved ones cunts and physically abuse them and I refuse to believe that this man is lovely and it's the tumour making him say these horrible things and act this way!

Plenty of people have cancer and tumours and other terrible diseases and don't act like this.

JessicaEccles Sun 02-Apr-17 08:41:31

Sorry but the post above is just bullshit. Brain damage can cause all sort of personality changes and lack of inhibition in respect of language and behaviour. It is absolutely heartbreaking for everyone involved.

StiginaGrump Sun 02-Apr-17 08:48:04

A brain tumour can do exactly this actually, but it sounds like he was always a bit like this and even if some of this behaviour is becuse of his illness a suitable care package may well involve him living away.

It sounds throughly miserable, living separately will hopefully help you both.

NormaSmuff Sun 02-Apr-17 08:48:06

Agree Jessica.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Apr-17 08:51:37


Of course he wants his cake and eat it; this is how abusive people operate. He has always been abusive towards you as well. He still wants you to look after him and be his housekeeper/nursemaid. It is okay to walk away from his abuses of you it really is.

He has had the temerity as well to blame you for your son opening his birthday presents without he being there because he was asleep. That is really messed up.

I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as well as MacMillan.

Put yourself and your children first now; do not continue to do your bit here to show them that yes, this is how adults really do behave in relationships. He is the root cause of you being on anti depressants now and I guess as well you have not told that person about your rocky from the start marriage. You cannot expect to get a different result if you keep on doing the same old same old.

ohdoadoodoo Sun 02-Apr-17 08:51:41

Are people missing the part of the OP where it says "things have been rocky from the beginning"? hmm

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Sun 02-Apr-17 08:52:26

ohdoadoodoo - what a crock of shit. Go away and do some research before posting such crap.

Sorry, but my brother-in-law died of a brain tumour and it had been slowly altering his personality for years before it was diagnosed. And in the final few years, my sister and nephew had to witness some very distressing and aggressive personality changes. It was heartbreaking.

oneleggedfatbird Sun 02-Apr-17 08:57:00

For reference, we have been together twelve years and he's been disinhibited all this time. We both have that aspect to our personalities. However, he's got much worse recently and now points to his head and says "tumour" when he's said something daft. There's a bit of me though (and I'm prepared to be lambasted for this) that thinks he's manipulating the situation somewhat

NormaSmuff Sun 02-Apr-17 08:57:58

op and her family needs support. hope you all can find it from the right place

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