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Separation talk looming, opinions on our options please(18 Posts)
Hi all, things came to a head this afternoon and my h knows our relationship is in trouble , well for me it is over as I simply do not love him anymore and it is eating me up with guilt, our marriage has been dire and a couple of years ago I simply just stopped trying, I am done.
Anyway he had to go to work after our bust up and wont be back til the morning but I am hoping we can have a sit down proper talk to go over our options next week when dc are in school.
I have written down some points and want us to be as amicable as possible and am in no way out to rip h off etc.
Option 1: we both stay living in the same house but as officially separated until dc leave school (4 yrs time) then divorce.
Option 2: H moves out, I take over paying bills and mortgage (apparantly I can pay the mortgage even though it is in h's name only??). Again this is until dc leave school and we then divorce/split house equity. All I would ask h to contribute would be equivilant of child maintenence, around £250 per month.
Option 3: me and dc move out and h contributes maintenence. I have registered my rights to the house so that along with being married would mean I would not be shafted out of my entitlement to any equity?
Option 4 would be straight to the divorce stage. At the moment not sure to even mention this as h will be devastated anyway and it is me ending the marriage and I want to make it as amicable and reasonable as possible.
If anyone has any other options I would be very grateful, at the moment it seems like a million thoughts running in my head and need clarity. X
If the marriage is over then I would not wait another 4 years before divorcing him. Rip the plaster off now and do not prolong the agony; your children as well are not going to say thanks mum for staying with him are they.
I would seek legal advice asap to see where you stand legally and financially. Knowledge after all is power.
Option 1 is an absolute and definite no; option 2 is not much better either because again that entails you divorcing a few years later. You could well end up shooting your own self in the foot financially too re your £250 a month from him. He is anyway responsible financially for his children. Option 3 is a no as well; if anyone moves out it should be your H.
Why do you assume that your H will be devastated; you cannot assume that he will think that. Do you also think he will be reasonable and amicable given that you describe your marriage as dire?
Do not continue to teach your children that a loveless relationship is their "norm" as well; that is basically what options 1 and 2 are basically about. Staying simply for the children anyway is an appallingly bad idea. Sod with feeling guilty as well, you only need to give your own self permission to end the marriage.
Will he want or seek 50% shared parenting arrangement? What you envisage regarding the kids contact time with him might be different to what he (when he has had time to think about it) envisages.
I would put at the top of my thinking, as pp said, what will work best for the dc, ie. a clear and final separation, non-acrimonious communicating parents, certainty on where they will be when, routine and shared rules. Sorry you are going through this OP.
We went for option 2 and works for us very well. It means a gradual adjusting for us and the children. It means it is very very amicable and fair, all of which simplifies everything and makes life easier and stress free.
Was the house purchased by your DH before you married? Or while you were married but for some reason put only in his name?
I also think option 1 is not healthy for anyone and definitely not a good idea.
Option 2, 3 or 4 all possible.
While your H may well be devastated about the break up, that's not a reason to continue the relationship. You can't live a lie nor maintain a relationship for that reason, and why it is admirable that you don't want to hurt him, ultimately you have to end the relationship because it's the right thing to do.
He might suggest option 5 - you move out and leave him and the DC, as you are the one who wants to end the relationship.
He may well assume you have an OM on the go. That is an assumption often made when someone announces they 'simply don't love their spouse any more'.
I would not do option 1. Why is there no option for you to move out and husband stay in the house with the kids?
And anyone who says "it's like ripping off a plaster" is not helpful ime.
I'm in the middle of a nightmare divorce. We should have taken it very slowly at first to give everyone time to adjust. Splitting of assets and kids is very emotional and if you address this while you are both still reeling from the shock of deciding to actually separate, it might all blow up in your face.
My advice would be - give everyone time to adjust to the new situation, set up an interim period with housing and kids, then tackle the divorce with a cool head in 6 - 18 months...
We did 1 - awful, then 2 - except he paid the mortgage and it was awful because he just basically carried on being there all the time and just sleeping over the road in his flat and we are now onto 3 which is much better except I have not registered an interest in his property because I see it as his and have agreed to just leave it alone.
Assuming you both work? Who earns more?
Opposite view to pp.
I wish I had divorced my exh straight away as I earnt a decent wage and he was unemployed but when we divorced a few years later, he was entitled to my savings and pension accrued during the separation. He even tried to claim half of what I had spent my own money on!
whattodo does make a good point. You need to see a solicitor. It's a minefield.
Morning all and thanks so much for your posts.
Thanks Attila, I cannot find any local solicitors that give free advice but I do have details of someone local and am hoping to afford to get an initial appointment asap.
I assume he will be devastated as he tells me a million times a day how much he loves me and dc, I am just hoping that he will put dc interests first and foremost.
With regard to 50/50 access that is something I am ok with, however h works rolling day and night shifts that change every week so cannot see how that would be practical. On his days off he does honestly do most dc ferrying around to hobbies etc and if he wanted to see dc every day after all this is sorted that would be the very best possible outcome.
With regard to the mortgage I have been self employed for years to fit around dc and h's shifts and when we last moved our mortgage advisor said it would be best to put it in h' name only. I went along with it at the time and have always put a few hundred a month into h's account for that and bills etc.
The income from my self employed job however started dwindling a couple of years ago so I now also work a second job.
Thank you Running, there is no option for me to move out and leave h and dc in the house as his shifts mean he is working nights and day shifts that change every week, it is more practical for me to stay with dc either in our house or elsewhere.
Thanks Barth, yes I know h may assume I am having an affair but at the moment I never want to be or live with another man again!
Thank you again everyone, it is very helpful to talk over the practicalities as I dont have anyone in real life to pour my heart out to (did talk to my mum and her response was I should just put up with it and not upset dc)x
I hope that you can get to see a Solicitor soon.
Sorry to read that your mother was of no real use or ornament whatsoever.
like Running said, unless there are reasons to end in abruptedly I'd opt for the slow and gentle approach. After all, I thought, it can be quite hard for someone to leave the marital home esp when they were not so keen. And as you said dividibg assets is very emotional and it would be best done when more level headed and when both have already a foot in a more pleasant life. At the moment it'll only feel painfull and taking things away. In time the pluses of this new arrangement will show. Hopefully.
I also do no plan in being with any man for the near and far future OP (god forbid!) and this helps our rel because we can focus on the children and on ourselves without creating bitterness.
I cannot believe our easy and pleasant our rel is now whereas before it felt like swimming against the current. Awful.
Also I did not run to see a solicitor, although I would have done the minute xh would sound unreasonable.
For the time being we are just living in separate houses. We have redistributed the daily finances so we have an equal amount in re with amount of chilcare/work.
The big stuff, savings, house etc we have left it. There is no need to divide those yet.
Definitely don't do Option1.
I would combine options 2 and 4. You can get a Mesher Order as part of a divorce settlement. This means XH name will stay on the mortgage but you have exclusive use of the house. You pay the mortgage and XH pays you child maintenance.When youngest finishes full time education you sell and split the equity at an agreed percentage, bearing in mind relative pension pots etc.
You really do need to get legal advice though.............
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Thank you both.
Yes Pippi, I am hopeful we can agree to option 2 and I know when we do separate I will be a much happier mum and in time he will feel the same way hopefully. I want to give us all time to adjust and as you say if there are no third parties involved we can focus entirely on dc.
At the moment I am thinking of the future and I am quite excited by it but I need to bite the bullet and make the first move. Thanks again so much x
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