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How to get over your husband leaving

(17 Posts)
Polly46219 Sat 01-Apr-17 17:19:02

My husband left the day after Boxing Day. He denied it at first but he is now in a relationship with a woman at work. She is a single mum with a young daughter. I am now a single mum with a son of 2. Sometimes, I can't believe he's gone. I miss him so much it physically hurts. He comes in the house when he picks up our son and I can hardly bear to look at him, it's that painful. Since he left, he's been really vile to me at times (mostly about financial matters) as if it were me that had the affair. I get the impression he wishes I never existed. It was a huge shock when he announced he was leaving - but he admitted to me he'd been thinking about it for 10 months. He pretended all that time and I didn't have a clue. I am not sure how to get over all this. I'm 46 and finding it really hard to accept I'm going to have to start again. I find it difficult to accept that he can so easily be with someone else whereas the thought of being with another man couldn't be further from my mind. Any words of encouragement, especially from ladies who have gone through a similar situation, are welcome! Thank you

SandyY2K Sat 01-Apr-17 17:30:50

I haven't been where you are, but you could put a few measures in place to reduce the contact with him.

1) when he's picking up your DS, don't let him in the house. Have your son ready and when the doorbell rings, take your son to the door.

2) to avoid his vile behaviour, don't engage in conversation, unless it is of an emergency nature to do with your DS. Otherwise, move to email contact

When you have time, try and invest in yourself. Treat yourself, try and take up a hobby, do things to distract you and take the focus off your Ex.

Volunteering and doing a service gives an incredible feel good factor.

If you have friends, try and socialise with them and don't isolate yourself.

You may not feel up to dating at the moment, but don't let his leaving you, mean you are without a companion if that's what you want.

If he is nasty about money, deal with him through solicitors and don't let him bully you.

Bones2017 Sat 01-Apr-17 18:08:47

I'm sorry polly. I know exactly how you're feeling and we're about the same distance down the road. The rejection and sense of worthlessness is debilitating. I've a feeling my H hasn't loved me for a long time too whilst lying to me saying and acting differently so I also feel physically and emotionally violated by the man I love the most. Each day as it come I suppose. And time. Xx

Fluffyslippers432 Sun 02-Apr-17 15:40:05

Saw this on another post and thought it was great:

(1) Jump for joy you have got rid of a liar.
(2) Know that his new rel'p likely won't last past the honeymoon stage.
(3) Socialise! Go to the opening of an envelope - just go!
(4) Makeover time!
(5) Book a trip/holiday/redecorate - whatever you can manage.
(6) MN is your lifeline .

NeonGod73 Sun 02-Apr-17 15:47:42

I know it's easier said than done but don't feel bad over this twat walking out on you. You are free from a twat!
When you still love someone it can feel as if you'll never stop loving them and you'll never love anyone else, but of course it's nonsense. Once you acknowledge that it's over, you'll move on.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 02-Apr-17 16:28:05

I agree with others about not engaging. Have your son ready for pick ups, definitely. Keep all contact to an absolute minimum. If there are any important things to be discussed, send either an email that doesn't require a reply (for example "for information please find attached x, y, z"). Or if there are any discussions to be had do it in a civil manner when he picks up your son.

Save any messages he sends you but otherwise ignore them. You don't have to respond to anything to do with finances. If he's being difficult, move communication to a solicitor. Go through CMS for child maintenance. You really don't have to have contact with him except for in the event of an emergency and when he picks your son up. That's literally it.

So much control and manipulation takes place after relationships have ended because so many lines of communication remain open - face-to-face, email, texts, phone calls, social media, you name it. YOU control whether or not you want to communicate with this man, don't let him take control from you.

Bones2017 Sun 02-Apr-17 16:30:16

How are you polly? X

hareinthemoon Sun 02-Apr-17 16:52:58

Polly what fluffy posted was from my thread - there sure are a lot of us out there, all in different stages. I'm taking just an extraordinary amount of time getting over it - some people take less time. There's no timescale, but you will get over it, really. I know it doesn't feel like it now, so MN is invaluable for the stories of others.

The thing with the financial stuff is potentially that he is trying to be a knight in shining armour for another woman, and also, even if very deep down, knows he is being a shit to you, and the cognitive dissonance is causing him to treat you exactly in the way you describe, as if you have done this to him. In his mind, you have. It's no good expecting them to make any logical sense, I know that much. You have to find an explanation for yourself, because a)their stories of your relationship will be undergoing constant change and reversioning, and b)you'll never understand them anyway.

I'm really sorry though, it sucks. flowers

Holland00 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:39:27

One day at a time, and don't isolate yourself.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:45:57

I threw my exh out for being a deceitful bastard (not cheating)..
I decorated my bedroom, new bedding and 'pinked' it up!!
Chucked out loads of crap he had chosen for the house and bought new. (nowt flash!)
Started watching things I actually liked on TV.
Never mentioned fucking golf or pool ever again, and swooned over my footie team not his!!
Cooked what the hell I fancied whenever I fancied it!!
Basically stuck two fingers up at his huffing and puffing over everything!!
Within 3 weeks the tears had stopped and life started to feel good again!!

Teabay Sun 02-Apr-17 19:58:00

potato salad
That's brilliant advice regarding the control - you're exactly right.
I found it hard for the first year not to allow him the control - but now I've cracked it and it's a million times better....wink

Grannyben Sun 02-Apr-17 20:12:31

Apart from the age of our children, your story is practically identical to mine. We divorced 3 years ago. You need to give yourself time. If your husband had died you wouldn't be expected to just get over it. Do as the previous posters have said in relation to contact with him, don't be forced into another relationship just because other people think that it's time you moved on. Trust me, you will know when it's time and, 3 months obviously isn't it

Polly46219 Wed 05-Apr-17 18:41:09

Thank you everyone for your fabulous advice! It's odd as I thought I was getting better and now I'm back to crying all the time. I fully understand the get out and socialise bit but it is so difficult when you have a 2 year old and he's with me 6 days a week - not that I'm complaining mind! I am just so tired as well. I saw H tonight briefly when I collected my son from the MIL and he was all tanned and in his shorts and nice top. He had his overnight bag with him (staying at her's, no doubt) and I watch him walked to his car. I stood there feeling old and stupid (he is 12 years younger than me, at 34). Ten years down the pan and he acts like I never existed. I can't imagine ever loving someone or trusting them again but I suppose it takes time and as Grannyben has said, 3 months is obviously not enough. Gosh, I sound so wet! Can't help it though - I really am trying! X

Dragonbreath8 Thu 22-Jun-17 17:12:31

Hi Polly, just wanted to say hello as i'm in exactly the same boat. Very early days for me too. I have two dcs aged 5 and 2. Not much to say other than I understand. The shock and trauma is horrendous. My husband's family are also being vile which doesn't help. Sending you hugs x

AnnaNimmity Thu 22-Jun-17 18:01:32

I was in your position too. I discovered the other woman a few months later and I'm a similar age

The OW has got a liar and a cheat- she can never trust him. You are free of him. It does get better and easier. I promise. My ex left at a similar time of year and I would say around 8 months later I was dating. Now 2 years on I am completely happy and exh has nothing.

I'd advise you to Move quickly on the divorce proceedings.

Polly46219 Thu 22-Jun-17 20:30:54

Hi Dragon - I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time too - it's so bloody hard isn't it? I'm now 6 months down the line and although I'm stressed about the financial matters (i've got a good solicitor though but H is thinking he's clever enough to do it all by himself) I've started to lose the loving feelings for him which is sad in one way but equally has set me free somewhat. I also had a bit of a 'thing' with someone else quite recently and it literally boosted my confidence in myself as a woman by 200%.

Hi Anna - I do believe things are getting easier already. I'm not just his wife anymore; I have rediscovered 'me'. What you have written fills me with so much positivity for the future so thank you x

Don't get me wrong, I feel I have been completely ousted - H has bought a people carrier and he takes our son and OW and her daughter for days out and weekends away doing lots of fun (and expensive) stuff. Maybe he feels a bit guilty at leaving our boy but then he turned up last night and said he is going on holiday with OW 'out of the country' for a week. Very nice to. If anyone needs a holiday round here, it's me! You gotta laugh at the selfishness of the man!!

AnnaNimmity Thu 22-Jun-17 20:44:40

haha Polly my ex thought he was clever enough to do the legal stuff too! We took him to the cleaners my SHL and me!

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