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I kissed another man- DP's reaction

(109 Posts)
user1491060107 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:29:13

hi i'm desperate for some advice,
background: i am early twenties, dp is 30. been together 3 years. we have a toddler together.
we get on well, he is a good dad and we are very loving with eachother most of the time. However he is insecure, paranoid and controlling- he questions me about other men all the time and i'm so used to it now that it doesn't really bother me anymore. when he has been drunk in the past and we have argued he either smashed the house up or pulled my hair and grabbed my face aggressively. this has happened about 4 times in our whole relationship. since the last time he sworn he would never lay a finger on me again etc and has stuck to his word for almost a year- it was all forgotten and he was controlling his anger much better.
i wanted to go out last week and meet some friends in town. He said no as he doesn't know these friends and apparently I was dressed like a slag too. I told him to get over it because i was definitely having a night out, as he goes when and where he likes anyway, and i never go anywhere! He was convinced I only wanted to go out to meet other men because apparently i enjoy the attention etc. etc. he ripped my engagement ring off my finger and said you'll probs take this off anyway so no point wearing it- then before I left he put it back on and made me swear that i wouldn't get up to no good. i was so upset, he had been nasty to me all day at this point. I reassured him anyway and off I went.
Whilst i was out i met this guy who was being so nice to me, he was saying all the right things, treating me like i was special and whatnot. we were laughing and dancing and the next thing I know he leaned in to kiss me and i kissed him back!!
I know it's cheating, and I felt bad straightaway but It felt so good to hear a man talk to me like I wasn't worthless. I enjoyed it so much we kissed a bit more and then I realised enough was enough so I told him i'd best get going and he walked me to a taxi and I left. He wanted my number etc but I made my excuses, vowed to never think of him again and go home and pretend like nothing had happened.
two days later my partner is in the bathroom checking my phone like he normally does and a message pops up on INSTAGRAM off this guy! he had searched my first name and found me (god knows how). so my partner is furious of course, he messages the guy back pretending to be me and writes 'Sorry I was really drunk the other night, what happened between us?'
The other guy writes back that I didn't seem that drunk but we kissed a fair bit and that he had a good time. my partner then writes to the guy that he is infact my partner and to get lose basically. the other guy apologies and that's that.
Of course my partner has just found out I kissed someone in a bar and reacts furiously. He starts grabbing my neck, grabbing my arms, shouting in my face, throwing me down. I was so scared, I couldn't stop shaking. He then starts punching himself in the face and a massive lump pops up under his eye- it was like he was possessed. he throws his expensive phone at the wall and that breaks. i told him he was scaring me and ran upstairs.
After the anger he calms down, tells me he loves me and he's going to forgive me etc etc. I told him he shouldn't have grabbed me by the neck but he says how can i blame him for what I have done.
the last few days he won't leave my side, he is being so clingy, waking me up in the night for sex multiple times. he wakes me up to ask me a question about the guy i kissed and have i fallen for him etc. I reassure him of course but it's tiresome.
Since his aggressive outburst, I keep feeling nervous and jumpy all day aswell, like every slight bang makes me jump and my heart beat so fast.
I just want to know is it understandable that he acted the way he did when he found out I had kissed another man, or was he in the wrong? Thank you in advance and sorry for typos I typed it quick on my phone. x

hoddtastic Sat 01-Apr-17 16:31:48

get rid of the abusive wanker. don't nobody got time for this shit.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts Sat 01-Apr-17 16:32:44

No, violence is never ok! Sounds like you need to rethink this relationship quickly. Do you have anyone to talk to, mum, friend? How about calling Womensaid?

Dons1975 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:35:19

Leave leave now. If you need to contact women's aid or the police they will help you.

RJnomore1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:35:38

You need out love.

He will kill you eventually.

Please get help. Phone women's aid first of all. Ther are some women on here who can give you great advice.

Sign out of mumsnet when you leave.

starskey80 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:37:01

Sweetheart please leave this horrible abusive man. It will just get worse and you've your whole life ahead of you.
Do you really want your child growing up listening to their mother being verbally and physically abused???

For you both, please leave.

Underthemoonlight Sat 01-Apr-17 16:37:08

You should have left the first time he did this. This is not a normal or safe environment for you and your DC I would leave him immediately

IAmNoAngel Sat 01-Apr-17 16:37:47

It is a normal reaction for a violent abusive fuckwit. Get out with your dc, phone the police and never go back to him. One day he will kill you. Get out now.

CheeseandGherkins Sat 01-Apr-17 16:37:53

Leave him, do not put up with that. You deserve so much better and so does your child.

Holly3434 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:38:34

He was right about one thing that you were going to cheat but no his reaction is never right. Keep the status quo and look at plans to leave

inlectorecumbit Sat 01-Apr-17 16:38:39

Get out now. These are actions of a manipulative violent man. It will only get worse.
Please leave as soon as you can

DownWithThisSortaThing Sat 01-Apr-17 16:39:14

Forget about the fact you cheated on him -
The real issue here is that your partner is emotionally and physically abusive to you and has been abusing you long before you kissed this other bloke.
Nothing you have done justifies the abuse
can you call women's aid?

RJnomore1 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:39:47

I'm worried op needs a safety plan to leave. Can anyone advise her on that. Walking out could escalate things.

hayli Sat 01-Apr-17 16:39:47

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but it's completely wrong. no way should that kind of behaviour ever be acceptable.
actually to be blatantly honest that is physical abuse. yes what you did was veryunacceptable but it does not justify his actions. even shouting swearing slamming doors walking out etc is ok but to physically make you feel like that? no way. and please think about ur dear child ever having to witness something like this/ been bought up like this.

prettywhiteguitar Sat 01-Apr-17 16:40:38

Get out and never let him talk to you again he's just awful!

ThatUsernameIsTaken Sat 01-Apr-17 16:40:43

Get the hell out as fast as you can!!!! Surely you don't think this is normal? Please speak to a friend or family member and let them help you get the hell out of there

undeuxtroiscactus Sat 01-Apr-17 16:40:48

Oh God, this man sounds very dangerous and you don't seem to have a clear picture of how awful he is. I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on here but I just wanted to chime in with the many posters who will tell you you have to get out and make yourself safe from this abusive man.
How long have you been together? Is he the only partner you've ever had? I'm just wondering if you perhaps have nothing to compare it to, in terms of what a healthy loving relationship looks like.

Holly3434 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:43:05

I don't even think slamming doors is acceptable, thats What a pissed off teenager does. What we are talking about is a violent grown man here who should keep his hands to himself and know better. Don't whatever you do just up and leave, you need to plan wisely as kids involved women's aid will help you with this. For time being keep up the pretence

user1491060107 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:43:23

I know it has made me afraid of him and I don't want to live like that. I keep thinking of leaving but I dont feel brave enough. I dobt want to break our family up but i also dont want my child growing up around this. Im exhausted and feel on edge all the time :/. I don't have much rl support. I spoke to my lovely tutor at uni yesterday who has been very supportive. But I don't really have anyone else x

msrisotto Sat 01-Apr-17 16:47:02

This has already escalated to him grabbing your neck. He'll strangle you another time OP. Get out right now.

You owe it to your son not to grow up in fear for his and his mum's life. He has a prolific history of physical abuse towards you. If this was your mum/sister/friend what would you advises>

Ocicat Sat 01-Apr-17 16:47:13

You story sounded familiar - is this you?

msrisotto Sat 01-Apr-17 16:48:17

You can call women's aid for advice and help about leaving.

He has broken up the family, not you.

user1491060107 Sat 01-Apr-17 16:49:53

Thank you for replies. He's not back from work yet and could be home any minute. He will check my phone when he comes in so i am getting ready to close everything and delete history asap. I feel so jumpy. He keeps saying he wants to die now too, and drank a full bottle of neat jack daniels. He does not want the relationship to be over even though I did what I did. How do you leave something like that?

happypoobum Sat 01-Apr-17 16:51:39

Please, please get out. You are not safe. flowers

AnyFucker Sat 01-Apr-17 16:53:08

You are in an abusive relationship

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