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To those who went NC with narc parents - how did you break off contact?

(9 Posts)
Abitcomplex Sat 01-Apr-17 12:08:19

Ok, I'll start: I've mentioned this before but namechanged since.

DM always been narcissistic, and the final straw was when she rang me on Xmas day from abroad (not the Xmas just gone, the one before).
She knew we were going to PILS as we usually do) and decided to be nasty.
She knew we were going away a week later for my 50th bday and had to be nasty about that, saying we didn't need any money to get out of the country we were going to: Mexico. (we did know, but she thought we were stupid enough to believe her. That's what she was like.
I spent my 50th crying because of her behaviour over the years.

Anyway when we returned to the UK, I vowed to break contact altogether. Knowing full well that if I went to see her and tell her what I thought of her etc, I'd end up being the bad guy, and her the victim.

So I texted her and told her I wasn't going to come and visit her again, that we were never close (understatement of the year), and she still had other family members and wished her well for the future (why I said that, I don't know). A few minutes before texting her, I posted back the birthday money she gave me through her letterbox with my birthday card. She thought giving money made her a good person, but wasn't there for any of her daughters emotionally.

People think I am cruel to have done things the way I did, but I honestly wouldn't have been given the time of day if I confronted her. She is not normal. I could write a book.
How did other posters go no contact? Was I cruel to have done it the way I did?

Abitcomplex Sat 01-Apr-17 12:10:37

*I meant, we did know we did need money to get out of Mexico, d'oh.

Bobits Sat 01-Apr-17 12:39:47

Hi, your situation is really similar to mine in that I have just gone nc this year too. I don't think you are or were cruel, rather just being kind to the right person this time youself x

Was her comment about not needing money so you would get stuck there & have trouble getting home safely? That is cruel.

Has your mother responded to your text? The stately homes thread is a great supportive thread for people affected by the same issues

Everyone is entitled to go no contact with their own parents in whatever way is healthiest to themselves imho. I wrote my parents a three page letter so there would be absolutely no ambiguity about why I was going no contact & went around to their house & read it out to them then left it with them. I focused on the message I wanted to give & it was largely around how their behaviour affects my feelings & responsibility. I felt it important to me to give them my (at times brutal) honesty, in black and white. Therefore, the choice of what they do with it is up to them & I have no guilt.

shesnotme Sat 01-Apr-17 12:42:20

Its very difficult for anyone who hasn't been through it to understand. You did the right thing.

Abitcomplex Sat 01-Apr-17 12:55:08

Thanks for replying Bobits.

She left me a voicemail, crying and repeatedly asking why?
She then sent a text later saying she still doesn't understand why I did it, and she'll always be there for me if I need her.

In other words, she wasn't intent on coming to ours to sort it out. If I wanted to regain contact , I'd have to do the crawling. Certainly not doing that. She has never contacted me since. Now over 12 months ago.

The people who think I'm cruel are family members who had the luxury of a proper relationship with her, golden children, and colleagues who have normal relationships with their parents. I was the scapegoat.

I have read the Stately homes thread and it had given me much comfort in knowing that I'm the normal one. Yes, I think she wanted me to be stuck there. Why would your own parents not want you around, make things difficult? It is cruel.
I didn't end it that way to get my own back, it was because I knew I wouldn't have been able to have a normal conversation with her about it, everything my/ other people's fault, never her, oh no.

Abitcomplex Sat 01-Apr-17 13:05:39

Did you find it cathartic Bobits to write that letter? I hope it did.
I felt guilty for a couple of months to be honest, and that was it.

shesnotme , I know in my heart I did the right thing, thank you, I appreciate that, what with people saying I was cruel. I get that they don't understand, it just brought the guilt back.

MotherofA Sat 01-Apr-17 14:11:59

Place marking , wish I could NC with mine but she is too intertwined in mine and my 3 sisters lives , sisters would make it impossible for me to go NC

Bobits Sat 01-Apr-17 14:50:22

Hi, I didn't understand the timeframe properly, sorry - though in that case I am really glad you have enjoyed over a year nc smile

Gosh, any normal parent would want their children to travel & return home safely - It's what anyone would want for anyone else! Her behavior was very unloving flowers.

You were very dignified and respectful, under the circumstances, wishing her well for the future.

Her response was very 'playing the victim' followed by denial which is very typical behaviour - honestly she could be my mum... both trying to deliberately make you feel guilty & also not acknowledging your feelings is very hurtful & not communicating fairly at all.

I very much understand too how the reaction from other family members/colleagues can make you feel bad sad It almost makes you feel ashamed for making the right choice in the first place and that can really hurt & feel isolating in itself. Even with the knowledge that your making the right choice for the right reasons.

I think with respect to rest of your family, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned 'you are the normal one'. I think their unpleasant reaction comes from them knowing this, perhaps only on a subconscious level, that you are absolutely in the right but perhaps are too afraid to take the brave steps you already have x

Writing the letter was very helpful to me, I think because I was in a similar situation that I wasn't going to be heard or listened to. It was more about finding my voice & even though my feelings don't matter to them, they matter to me & that is enough x

Keep doing what your doing, your doing it really well!

BubblingUp Sat 01-Apr-17 15:17:59

NC with my dad 20 years. Back then I just made the mental decision to stop associating with him. That last visit 20 years ago (poolside at a hotel for about an hour) was the first visit in 4 years (at a restaurant), so technically I have only seen him 1 time in 24 years. I didn't tell anyone of my decision to cut contact, including him. I just went about my life. Two years later, he realized I wasn't talking to him. It took him two years to notice.

I'm currently being pressured by multiple flying monkeys to forgive him which will lead to me not associating with any other family member - since they are now giving me ultimatums because he is 80 and needs caretaking. My plan is to go about the termination the same way - no announcement, just fade away - with every single one of them.

I thought making an announcement of some type - a call, a letter, an email - about the commencement of the NC would just give them an opening - no matter what I say, they would see it as material to throw in my face, argue with me, make fun of me. I can't give them any ammunition.

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