Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Saying something you regret

(42 Posts)
Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 10:27:55

Hi
I'm separated and recently started what turned out to be a toxic relationship with someone a lot younger than me.
He couldn't cope with the fact I am still married and I respected that. Except it was one of those situations where he would say we couldn't see each other, I'd accept that and then he'd contact me again. We'd make arrangements to meet up and then he'd cancel last minute.
Somehow I didn't have the courage to end it once and for all at the time. - Possibly because the sex we had was phenomenal - best I've had in decades and this was mutual.
Last weekend a couple of things happened - he told me he was thinking of another woman as he masturbated and my friend saw him out with another girl.
I was angry, jealous and drunk so stupidly sent him viscious messages telling him not to contact me again and saying the one thing you never, ever say to a man which is not true.
He phoned me early the next day and called me all manner of names under the sun and told me to F off.
I have apologised profusely because I was so hurtful. I feel horrendous. I can't apologise anymore. I don't even know if he has read my message or just deleted them straight away.
I know I did wrong and was incredibly childish. Is my guilt misplaced? I just have an urge to try to make it/him feel better.
The relationship had to end and could never go anywhere but I didn't need to kill it quite so dramatically.

Whisky2014 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:34:58

Well he doesnt owe you an acceptance of apology just to ease your conscience. You messed up. Move on and learn from this

Biddylee Sat 01-Apr-17 10:37:07

Great sex makes us ladies blind!! :D

You have apologised to him. Quit the relationship and look after yourself - he sounds flaky.

BTW - he made you feel bad by sharing his wanking secrets and being spotted with another woman - I'm sure he's not rushing to make you feel better so you don't need to look after him.

LostSight Sat 01-Apr-17 10:46:44

What exactly is the one thing you never, ever say to a man which is not true? I'm fascinated that there is only one!

That said, he sounds like an arse. He was shitty to you and in a fit of understandable anger, you said the thing you thought would hurt worst.

If you are concerned you blurted out something racist or homophobic, or <insert any other insult that makes you generally ashamed to have been caught thinking> then work on yourself. You can't unsay it, but you can decide you will never do it again.

But don't waste your time worrying about him. He isn't worth a moment of your time.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 11:12:33

It was nothing racist etc just about the size of his penis. There was nothing wrong with it at all, I was feeling angry and lashed out by saying it was small. It's not and is told him it wasn't previously.
I did mess up. I own it.
Thanks all for your advice.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 11:18:20

And you're so right, good sex, makes us blind!
I miss it.

Biddylee Sat 01-Apr-17 11:34:24

Bestthings after a (sex) drought , one likes to overindulge. grin

ageingrunner Sat 01-Apr-17 11:38:38

I wouldn't worry too much about it, he gave as good as he got didn't he? I wasn't aware of the 'one thing you never say to a man' rule either 🤷‍♀️

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 11:39:35

I'd love to Biddylee. Opportunity is not knocking tho.
I have never known sex to be that good so quickly. I don't think that that makes me feel worse about what I said than I already do.
Serves me right that I am back in the desert.

ageingrunner Sat 01-Apr-17 11:40:19

Maybe you're not ready to be seeing someone yet, op?

Wristy Sat 01-Apr-17 11:46:25

Sorry to find something amusing in your obvious hurt/embarrassment but your username give me a chuckle given your cutting comment regarding his manhood!!!

He sounds as if he really isn't worth getting too upset about. flowers

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 11:56:41

Thanks both.
In many ways I'm not ready. In fact I did tell him the day I met him that I wasn't in the right place for a relationship but he was very full on. As well as gorgeous looking with an incredible body.
Wrists - I hadn't thought about that. Poor guy - he's not small. Just normal but so talented! 😩I have also told him this many, many times.
I hate that he hates me, more than anything.

FrenchLavender Sat 01-Apr-17 12:01:29

You said something that was designed to wound and to make him feel shit about himself and whether it was true or not is beside the point really, but I hope for his sake there was no element of truth in it. You say you'd told him previously that it wasn't small. If he was asking the question then he obviously lacks confidence about his size, in which case it was a really shitty thing to say after having previously reassured him.

It was the equivalent of a man saying to a woman 'well you're a fat ugly bitch anyway and no one else will fancy you.

Childish, spiteful and very, very uncool.

He has now seen you for what you are, which is someone who doesn't fight fair in an argument and resorts to nasty personal insults. There is nothing you can do but learn a lesson from it and move on.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 12:03:03

As well as the fact I am responsible for causing hurt. It's not me at all. Not really.
Anyway, what's done is done.
I'd put money on it never happening again.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 12:07:05

French Lavender, I hear what you say and you are right.
It was an horrendous thing to do and say. I told him I deserved everything he said to me but he didn't.
I am appalled by what I did.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 12:10:10

I had told him many times he is amazing at sex. Size never came up in conversation.
I felt bad but feel a million times worse now.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 12:19:03

He never asked me if I thought he was big/small - that conversation didn't take place. I made a positive comment about his size. That's what I meant.

LostSight Sat 01-Apr-17 12:36:44

I hate that he hates me, more than anything.

At least you know he's not indifferent. Maybe when he grows up, and you aren't on the rebound, you'll find each other again and be able to laugh.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sat 01-Apr-17 12:44:17

He sounds like an arse but yes of course you shouldn't have said these things like he shouldn't have said about wanking over someone else.
You obviously don't bring out the best in each other so just leave it well alone, and find someone who you are compatible with.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 13:01:35

Oh it's dead in the water. There's no coming back after the things I said. I feel ashamed, appalled, devastated by what I did/said to him - that it was poisonous. I have told him this and I know sorry doesn't come close. As well as obviously saying it was untrue and again that he is an amazing lover.
I don't expect him to forgive me.

FrenchLavender Sat 01-Apr-17 13:16:57

Well if you've apologised in the most heartfelt way you can then you can't do more than that and you should leave it now. Unless he already has huge insecurities about his size I am sure he will get over it. It doesn't sound as though this relationship was a goer anyway, so try not to overthink it and move on.

But do be aware that if the tables were turned and you were posting about him making spiteful personal remarks about your appearance or your performance in bed you'd be told in no uncertain terms that he was a nasty abusive wanker who got kicks from dragging your self esteem into the gutter and on no account should you allow him back into your life.

He sounds pretty immature, telling you he was masturbating over other women, so as to provoke a jealous reaction from you presumably. It's all a bit tawdry, isn't it?

Find someone you don't have to play these silly games with.

Bestthingscomeinsmallpackages Sat 01-Apr-17 13:26:17

There are lots of reasons why we couldn't get together again even if we both wanted to.
I hope he won't dwell on what I said because it was utterly untrue. It has shaken me that I was so hurtful. I have to live with that.
Has anyone else done something similar and got through it?

Naicehamshop Sat 01-Apr-17 13:30:26

I wonder if all the pps have actually read the op?? confused

He has behaved like an immature little shit by constantly cancelling on you at the last minute, telling you he was thinking about another woman when he masturbated... ugh!

Yes, you shouldn't have said what you said, but he sounds like a toxic wind up merchant. Stop beating yourself up about this and move on.

StickyWick Sat 01-Apr-17 13:41:40

Sounds awful but I would just forget about it. It sounds like a disaster of a relationship. I'd give dating a break for a while.

ageingrunner Sat 01-Apr-17 14:02:52

It might do him good to be taken down a peg or 2?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now