I think the guy I am dating has a secret wife!

[Popcorn08]

99.9% sure...
How can I be clever about confirming before I do something? (I.e. tell the wife)
I feel like if the wife has mumsnet she will know I am talking about her husband

Red Flags;

1. Guy is a club manager... instant distrust of him because of his job. I assumed he would be sleazy, use his job to get with loads of girls as he has easy access. Seemed cocky and arrogant the way he strutted around in his suit...
   
   
2. Been FB messaging me since January chasing me. Offered me queue jumps ect, which I declined as think that is a bit tacky and I didn't want the feeling of 'owing' him something. Offered to cook me dinner, but I declined as I wasn't interested in dating at that time and I just thought if he is messaging me, how many other girls are there?
   
   
3. He has 1,000+ friends on facebook. The facebook is a work page to do with the club though, but majority of friends are young, attractive girls...
   
   
4. Overly charming and confident. Extremely complimentary and smooth. Doesn't appear nervous around women. Seems like 'he's done this all before'
   
   
5. He has 2 children who are a 2 hour train journey away. He travels to see them sometimes Sunday-Weds, sometimes Mon-Weds. He says he was with his wife for a decade but she had an affair so they split...
   
   
6. When he has 'gone to visit his children' he has said he will be off his phone for 'kids time' , or he has just gone quiet and not messaged me. I've never really messaged him first though so I don't know what he would do if I contacted him during these days.
   
   
7. He doesn't have an actual house here...he lives above the club in a pokey 1 room. It doesnt appear like a home..
   
   
8. He is 10 years older than me.. I feel like older men chase younger girls because he might assume I am easier to manipulate/ pull the wool over my eyes.
   
   
9. He has his wifes name tattooed on him. He said 'Oh I need to get that covered'
   I facebooked the name, her page is private, her profile picture currently is just a photo of her, but back in January it was a wedding photo of them. I can't remember when they were supposed to have split, but he was messaging me late January... and he talks as if their split was months and months ago...
   
   
10. He 'liked' her cover photo which is of their children. But from a second facebook profile! Not the one he uses for club stuff. I understand he may want a 'work' facebook and a 'personal' facebook, but that seems dodgy?? His facebook is private so I couldn't see anything apart from his profile picture which is just of him (which the wife has liked) seems very friendly terms if they aren't together!
    
    Mainly the facebook stuff is pointing they are together, I feel like he lives with her, and just travels here for work and plays away when he is here.
    
    Obviously I don't know for 100% sure though.
    
    I havent had sex with this man thank god, but it was leading that way. I've been to his place and there was kissing, touching ect. Lots of sexual messages. I didn't ever want a relationship with him, as I knew he couldn't give me what I want... works a lot, travels half the week, older - doesnt want more children. I just wanted a casual, fun setup - but not with a bloody married man!
    
    How can I be clever in finding out for sure without him knowing I am on to him? The wife deserves to know if it is the case. Poor woman :(

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Trust your gut. I think you have more than enough evidence there.

[Whisky2014]

I dont understand how it could have been leading to sex when you have said nothing positive about him. What are you doing?!
Block and forget him.

[Darthvadersmuuuum]

You sound quite immature and insecure OP. You're not properly involved with this man and if your gut instincts are warning you to stay away, listen.

[SingingTunelessly]

Just walk away. You're not in a relationship, he sounds a pretty awful character the way you've described him - I don't understand why you're so involved in what's going on.

[Crumbs1]

Yes, any wife is irrelevant- why would you date or consider sex with a man you dislike and distrust? I'm firmly of the opinion you should not have sex with anyone you wouldn't consider raising a child with - giving 1/6 pregnancies are unplanned.

[BusterGonad]

You sound like you don't like him at all, yet you are leading towards sex! My brother and his wife are in the process of getting divorced, it's really complicated, one cheated on the other apparently, they still like each other's FB profile changes!

[StartledByHisFurryShorts]

Does it matter? You don't sound you like him. Nothing's happened between you yet. Block and ignore.

[OnionKnight]

You're not really dating him, block him and move on.

[LizzieMacQueen]

If you really want to know you'll have to follow him 'home' one time on the train. Just make sure you've got a big overcoat to disguise yourself!

[ZilphasHatpin]

Do nothing. Block him and move on. If he is, as you say, chatting to/sleeping with loads of women then his wife probably has a fair idea. You don't need to go wading in to save her. Move on. And stop wasting energy with men you don't like.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

Run. He's a shagger and has nothing to offer you other than a queue-jump and his over-used appendage.

[WeShouldOpenABar]

Btw he doesn't have a secret wife, he has a secret bit on the side, you

[Popcorn08]

Zilp Why would someone stay with their husband if they had a fair idea of that?!

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

I only got half way down your list but my instant reaction is why the hell do you want to be with this man? Have some self respect. Leave him to his sleazy life and find someone decent!

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

It doesn't sound like you even like him, so block and move on. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

[ZilphasHatpin]

Oh grow up popcorn! What age are you? Spend some time reading the relationship boards and you'll see life isn't black and white. They have children for starters. You have no idea what her situation. No idea why she might still be with a known cheater. Either way, none of your business. Leave these people alone. You're just looking to have some drama to talk about with your mates and make yourself feel like the saviour of this woman. Go away and leave them to it.

[Whisky2014]

Because he could be providing her with a good materialistic life and also she could be doing the same. Stop obsessing

[Venchi]

The facebook stuff is telling IMO. He has added you to his club's page? so it seems like transparency but in actual fact he has another page and his x/current wife is on that page? That would be acceptable if it was the page he added you to too but it's not.

I have been round the block a bit internet dating and if a man doesn't add you to his facebook quite quickly it's a red flag for me. Either he doesn't want people to know about you OR he doesn't want the other potential candidates he has in various ports to wonder who you are!

some will say no it's only facebook but it speaks volumes!

PS< I am not talking about teenage shite like putting up that you're in a relationship in 'about'.

[outymcouterson]

Walk away already.

[AnyFucker]

I don't understand what you are playing at here

Why not just walk away ?

[SpeedwellBlue]

They were together in January when he was chasing you by messaging. She wouldn't have put their wedding photo up if they weren't together. They still are together by the sound of it.

[Venchi]

PS, here's a GREEN FLAG. With the best will in the world, every divorced man I've dated has discussed the settlement. Has the guy mentioned what % of the mortgage he's paying, when the house needs to be sold, if he's got a pension, if his xw has a pension, how the judge saw fit to equalise their pensions, is his wife earning, does that effect the maintenance payments? is the access court ordered?

All of this comes UP, even if men are accepting of it, resigned to it, self-aware enough to know that a difficult (legal) phase is behind them and the next phase is new.

But i don't think a still married man could fake that newly divorced thing and fool me. Maybe I'm columbo with two real eyes and access to the internet now at this stage.

[Venchi]

SHe put up her wedding photo!?

ha ha, the poor man, how can he dupe and con younger women in to shagging him when she is putting up pictures of herself in her wedding dress! sorry OP.

[OlennasWimple]

Find someone else to date - there are plenty more men out there who you might actually like

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Do you know how many people still have a tattoo of an exs name on their body and haven't got around too covering it up? A lot.

Why is it a bad point he doesn't contact you when he is with his children. It's time with his children. Why is that so suspicious?

What has where he lives got to do with if you think he has a wife? Surely a pokey flat above his works swings it in favour he is single.

So what if they liked stuff on each others profile - they might actually want too be amicable for their children.

The marriage could have well ended due to her having an affair. Surprise! Women have affairs too.

Have you thought that's his persona for his job? He can't exactly be awkward and shy working in that environment.

Hes got that many friends on his profile because it is a works one. Chancers probably add him too get freebies.


What attracted you in the first place too him? Because you haven't said a nice word about him and you're wary of him already when in my view he hasn't gave you reason too.