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Anyone only with their H because he would not take good enough care of the DC were you to separate?

(8 Posts)
Sheikhandvac Sat 01-Apr-17 00:46:45

H is a difficult personality, who has never really stepped up to having DC. He loves them in theory but makes very little investment. I have brought them up so far alone (they are 2 and 4.) DH goes awol for days too, so misses out on things,and doesn't get the concept of being reliable.

He is emotionally abusive (to me - not to the DC.) and he has slapped me once about 5 years ago as well as poured water over me several times while I sleep. Not enough to be a pattern of domestic violence but enough to make me hate him. Reading the EFT i am the "prisoner," trapped here and rather isolated from friends and family, with him visiting occasionally.

He comes from a family who are mostly dysfunctional. They are filled with drama and often get hysterical over things that do not warrant it. I've seen that the DC are quite fearful aroubd his family when the histrionics start, and on family visits I have often had to jump in and grab the dc before they experience something that would make them upset (e.g. Screaming match between H and MIL. Or PIL turning over a table in a fit of rage.)

If I were to seek a divorce, H would fight tooth and nail for joint custody. And he would get it because there is nothing he has done that is significant enough to stop him. He would naturally leave the DC with batshit MIL, not care for their emotional or physical needs (to this day he has never been alone with them without me there,) and they would suffer.

I can't stand the thought of this so I have resolved to stay until they are old enough to call me on the phone, express preferences authoritatively or walk out.

In the meantime it's me and them in a prison, but at least I am here to protect them rather than sending them off to their father for god knows what to happen.

AIBU? What is my alternative?

Trickycat Sat 01-Apr-17 01:00:21

I suggest you get a SHL (shit hot lawyer). Make notes in the mean time on his EA behaviour and going awol. Best of luck.

Gallavich Sat 01-Apr-17 01:03:10

Who says he would get joint custody? I also think you should get a session with a lawyer to talk it over.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 01-Apr-17 01:41:44

You sound like you don't know how the courts work on this.

Joint custody isn't a thing.

The courts look at what is best for the children.

You can demonstrate easily that you are the primary carer. They are very likely to suggest EOW and one night in the week. If that.

If he is like pretty much every other loser dad he is very unlikely to even actually use that time.

From what I've seen of batshit MILs, no chance they will sacrifice their own time much. They'll find reasons not to have the DC at theirs. He will then find reasons to cancel.

You obviously haven't been to see a solicitor. You are making massive decisions (to stay) based on a fear and false facts. That's all part of the prison. Go to the solicitor, find out the actual facts for your situation.

Isetan Sat 01-Apr-17 09:18:18

The truth is you've covered up for him their entire life and this is just a continuation of that. If he disappears at regular intervals, what is the likelihood he could be bothered to stick to a contact schedule, even if it meant dumping them at his Mums. The threat of 50/50 care is what he says to keep you there and enough of an excuse you give yourself not to leave.

I know I'm sounding very harsh but I have recently gone through a pointless mediation process to set up a contact schedule with DD's Dad. I bent over backwards to include him but he wasn't interested, he was more interested in being the victim and I'm guess he's probably a little bit peeved of me robbing him of the opportunity of saying to the authorities (his friends and family no doubt buy his bullshit) that I blocked him from seeing his DD. If I had fought Ex, I'm pretty sure that he would have fought tooth and nail too, not for DD's sake but to spite me and so I didn't give him what he really wanted but instead, presented him with the opportunity to have what he said he wanted. And he bailed as soon as he realised that what he said he wanted, was a possibility.

You can't keep putting off getting out of this marriage forever and right now you're kicking the can into the long grass in the hope that it will miraculously be better. The right time to leave is now, just like it was before you got pregnant for a second time.

The bars in your prison cell exist in your mind and staying isn't a risk free alternative. Your children may be too young to not know what there father is truly like but staying is only laying the foundation for them to normalise your dysfunctional marriage. Staying demonstrates to them that Daddy being mean to Mummy is ok because why would you stay with someone if it wasn't.

swizzlestar Sat 01-Apr-17 09:32:23

I saw a solicitor a couple of weeks ago.... You need to start diarising what you do on a day to day basis, and what he does. Reading back is even more enlightening!

You do need a SHL too, I use mine because she scares me but is on my side!!

Joint custody is not a foregone conclusion. She's advised me to act, speak and assume that in the event of a relationship breakdown that he's going and I'm staying with the kids. Hope this helps a bit.

StickyWick Sat 01-Apr-17 09:39:48

Yes to the above advice but also, in the meantime, you need to sort other things out.

How about tryingto build up a wider support circle so that it's not just you and him. And also try to look at building up a cash fund for you eventual 'escape'.

Also, make sure that you are doing some things for yourself. Sport or crafts or whatever. Preferably social things out of the house. You can surely leave the kids for a few hours (I hope?)

swizzlestar Sat 01-Apr-17 10:09:30

Stickywick is spot on with financial advice. I didn't think of that as I'm the main only earner.

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