I think I hate him

[Pwc12]

I'm so fed up of my dad. I am generally a happy person but he just brings me down constantly. He's the most arrogant self absorbed person I have ever met.

For some background, he physically abused my mum for years. They split when I was 7 (20 years ago).

He got into a new relationship and physically abused her too. I phoned the police one night at 13 as I heard him battering her and was terrified. Had to go to court and stopped seeing him for about a year. In that time I got letters begging for forgiveness and threats that I would ultimately be the one losing out as my sisters would get all the stuff from him and I'd lose out.

He has a terrible temper and used to scream at me until I wet myself. Myself and sisters were terrified of him. There's still a really tense atmosphere around him.

Anyway I started seeing him again after the letters and sure enough he did improve but there was still a tense atmosphere. He now has a new wife who he verbally abuses but for some reason (money?) she's happy.

Now I have two children and he's keen to be a part of their life. He picks my daughter up from school and she went to his house but I was told by my sister who was also in the house that all my dad done was shout at my daughter for various things like not sitting properly whilst eating dinner, not sitting still whilst watching tv, not being able to read his homework reading book etc.

Tonight I was over and we were talking about how my kids look like their father (my OH) and his sister who are both overweight and the conversation went like so...

Him "there's no way to say this without sounding unkind but I'm really nervous they (my kids) end up really fat. I mean look at My daughter and her appetite I don't want her to grow up to be a big fat woman. "
All I manage to say is no I don't think so.
Then he says "how much does OH sister eat? Is it a lot or just the wrong kinds of things?"

I just say I'm not sure.

But it's so hurtful and we are not close that it would ever feel ok to say this to me.

I feel maybe I'm over reacting as I don't like him as a person and the things he done in my childhood but I don't know. I don't want to tell OH as I don't want to hurt him.

I honestly just feel pure hate towards him and I don't want him to be part of my kids life. He's so negative and he used to make comments about my weight growing up and it made me feel really insecure. He's very very vain.

For background, my dad eats very unhealthily but has an active job so is a healthy weight. I'm a healthy weight and so are my kids. My daughter will eat anything and snacks on fruit. She is often hungry but will have fruit.

Not sure what I want from this but I just feel so hurt by his comments but feel like I can't do anything. He's constantly phoning me and I ignore him half the time but then he just turns up on my door.

There's countless other times he's made me feel awful. When my daughter was born he made comments about her looks and how he hoped they changed when she grew up.

I hate feeling this hatred towards him but just having to put up with it. I have sat him down about 5 years ago and told him exactly how I felt. How he makes me uncomfortable etc and he was hurt but nothing changed and it's as though it was just never spoken about again.

Are the comments tonight hurtful or do you think I'm so hurt due to the accumulation of things he's done and said in the past?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Why is in your life and the life of your DC?
If he is too toxic for you he is too toxic for your DC.
Do not inflict this vile man on your children.
You do not have to put up with it.
You really don't.
Block, ignore, delete.
When he turns up tell him you call the police and report him for harassment.
If this was not your dad, just a 'friend' - would you still be friends with them? Of course not.
Just because he is 'family' doesn't mean anything.
He brings nothing positive to your life at all.
Time to cut him out.
It will be hard but you will feel better for it in the long run.

What does your DH think about your DDad?

[MommaGee]

I think you need to cut him out your life and walk away lovely. You don't need that crap

[Pwc12]

I just don't think I have the strength to cut him out. I have two sisters who seem to stick up for him or have a lot more tolerance than I do.

I'm hoping to slowly phase him out but not a dramatic stopping contact but I don't know if it's possible.

He's constantly trying to book holidays etc with him.

My DH can tolerate him but does see right through him and how superficial he is. He lost his parents though and thinks I should make the most of a bad situation and should feel lucky to have my parents.

[lisatried]

Has he got any plus side at all? Do your DC like him?

[shockshockhorror]

This man is abusive, why on earth would you want your children anywhere near him? You need to protect them and protect yourself.

[Pwc12]

LISa - he can be funny and kind. He bought me my first car and paid the insurance.

But he always brings it up to portray what a wonderful man he is.

He makes an effort to be part of my life (which I wish he didn't) but for example there are other people who I love but make less effort than he does to come see us/be part of my life.

My DC are young but I do think they like him although say he can be bossy.

I was thinking of texting him tonight...

Dad I was thinking and it really hurts me when you make comments about X&ys weight and how your worried Z will end up like them. That's my family and it's insulting. I try my best to give Z a balanced diet but no matter what she ends up like I'll always love her so I'm not worried. I think you need to be aware of how you can hurt people with the things you say. Also when W was born going on constantly about how she was like my mum as if it was a bad thing when I'd literally just given birth. It made me think you thought she was ugly and even if you did you should realise that that hurts me.

But I don't think I'm brave enough.

[category12]

You have to be brave for your dd. Cut the bastard out.

[Pwc12]

How do I cut him out? He lives a 5/10 minute drive from my house.

My DD has arranged to stay with him over night over the Easter break. He will call me and come round.

I don't want to fall out with my sisters over it either.

Not sure how I can cut him out.

He's also arranging a family holiday for next year. He knows we can afford it. What do I say no we're not going? He'll want to know why. Know why my DD isn't staying over. Know why I'm ignoring his calls.

I'd like to keep him at a distance with a massive fallout if that's possible.

[Pwc12]

Without a massive fall out *

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

You are letting him buy his way back into your lives.
You know what your dc are in for in his company yet you are allowing it.
Put your relationship with your dc before any relationship with him.

[pog100]

you shouldn't have to be 'brave' to say something to your father. He should be unconditionally loving and supportive. That's what a true parent's role should be. Even more so for grandparents. He isn't remotely like this. He doesn't deserve any contact at all with you or your kids. If you can't manage that, you really need to work hard on keeping it to a minimum. He has been abusing women since he first married, his first and second wives and partners, you, your sisters and now your daughter and sister in law. He isn't going to change, ever, you need to remove him from your lives.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

I was about to write 'Ffs, stop your children seeing him' but you're still scared of him, aren't you? And like the rest of us, you still hope your parent/s will love you, even if they are abusive.

Don't text him. Minimise any time you spend with him. Learn to make excuses not to go, to get away early.

Get yourself some counselling, about this specific issue, urgently. Your children need to be protected from him, and you are the one to do it, but you aren't in a position to face him down.

I'm so sorry. I wish there was an easy answer. The bottom line is, you have to protect your children.

[Pwc12]

Thank s.

Yes I am scared off him still. The thought of confronting him makes me shaky. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if he just wasn't here. But I feel awful feeling like that.

I'm racking my brains for an excuse for DD not to stay overnight....

To not book the holiday next year and I don't seem to be able to think of any.

And that's why I end up in these situations even when I don't want to be.

[category12]

That's where the bravery comes in.

You have to accept the massive fallout.
You have to accept that your relatives will do the flying monkey thing and be strong and ignore it.
You have to stand in front of your dd and say no - that's not happening - you can make your choices when you are an adult, in the meantime I am protecting you.

Tbh, I would consider moving and not giving your family a forwarding address. They are that bad.

[category12]

You don't need an excuse tho. You don't need to justify anything.

yYu just need "that doesn't work for us".

And not to engage.

[Pwc12]

Thing is it's only him I dislike. I love my mum and am so close to her and especially one of my sisters. The other sister agrees with me but thinks I'm over reacting and to cut him out would mean I'm cold hearted.

[Pwc12]

He wouldn't accept a simple that wouldn't work for us. He would want to know why to know how to get around it.

[Ohyesiam]

Don't let your daughter be subjected to the sort of abuse he gave you

[category12]

It doesn't matter what he accepts. You define your own boundaries. You don't actually have to listen to him or explain anything to him so that he will understand and agree with your reasons.

Your family are his flying monkeys. You have to have strict boundaries with them too.

Otherwise, you are rolling over for him to give him your children to continue the cycle with. Only you can break it for them and yourself. And it's not going to come easy, and it's not going to come painfree or without loss.

But think of him shouting needlessly at your dd and making her feel like you've felt all your life.

[category12]

After reasons, it should say "because he never will agree on that."

[Pwc12]

Thanks.

It's hard it really is.

But it's true when I think of my poor daughter being shouted at for not sitting still whilst watching tv it breaks my heart.

[SusieOwl4]

I could hardly read past the bit where he shouted at you so much you wet yourself. That is so sad. And so what if he cuts you out of his money , you don't need money or holidays or material things , it sounds like you need love and support. I am not sure how you do it but I would never feel guilty about withdrawing from his life. Read your own post again.you deserve better. And so do your children.

[Pwc12]

Thanks, that's really kind. I'm painted as being "too sensitive " and that's why I wet myself but even still if he gets angry I get an instinctive feeling that I'm about to wet myself.

I don't obviously but there's still something about him that does this.

I want him out my life or in if as little as possible.

Do I just start ignoring him or do I have a open conversation with him or do I text him?

[whirlygirly]

Can you get some counselling to support you through withdrawing contact? I can quite understand why the thought would be overwhelming and it sounds like something an experienced professional could help you process.

It's not you, it's him. Any blame or shame is entirely his.

[Pwc12]

Thanks.

I'm not sure where would I start to get councilling?