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Second wife .... second best??

(14 Posts)
Welshmamma Fri 31-Mar-17 20:21:50

Anyone ever feel they are not as good as the first??
His kids with his first wife take priority over the child he had before they married, his kids keep complaining how things aren't like they used to be..... I do things differently. I don't buy the same food, I don't have the same rules, I expect too much......
They live with us as his ex refuses to let them live with her. Her new love is her life not her kids.
Despite this I feel like I'm not doing enough ...... I wonder if i will ever feel good enough.....

ImperialBlether Fri 31-Mar-17 20:26:27

Honestly? If I were you I'd let him look after his children on his own. The children sound damaged by the divorce, and who can blame them? Your partner's ex sounds a real piece of work.

Welshmamma Fri 31-Mar-17 20:46:55

She left four kids for a man who dislikes kids and never had his own. They probably felt abandoned. She says I am old fashioned for thinking she should have kept her kids 🙄

Welshmamma Fri 31-Mar-17 21:14:22

We got married six months ago and love each other very much..... but I can't recreate the past and I don't want to..... I wish she would make it up with them. My Ss refuses to see her as she prioritises her new BF. My SD only goes because she feels she must but always comes back unhappy and crying. She was asking us to to speak to them to make things better for her! I told my DH that it's her job to do that as she is the one who has hurt them. A mother doesn't just leave her children unless there is something wrong with the maternal relationship in my eyes.
I feel so cross she has caused so many issues and still does. But she gets to sit happy without any of the grief with her new life. It's me, DH and all of our kids that suffer the tensions she creates ☹️

Ellisandra Fri 31-Mar-17 21:38:49

I don't really understand your title.
I think that you shouldn't have married him if you were feeling the second best wife. That should have been resolved first - either by you working it out if it's not true, or dumping him if it is.

But then your post doesn't match the title, it's about his children, not him.

I'm unimpressed that he is prioritising some of his kids over others.

I'm also unimpressed that he appears not to have allowed time for his children to adjust before remarrying and making them live with another woman when it was such a traumatic situation.

You are old fashioned if you think the children should be primarily with their mother over their father. I think 50/50 is far better - subject to individual needs of the child.

I think you need to stop worrying about their mother (who may be a useless let down) and concentrate on their father and how he steps up to support them emotionally.

I don't understand the comments about you not buying the food she does or having the same rules.

Surely they had plenty of time to get used to dad's food and dad's rules before ever you came on the scene, let alone started living with them?

Ellisandra Fri 31-Mar-17 21:43:47

Oh good lord you're on a TTC thread too confused

How about you slow the car crash down and:
(a) sort our your issues of feeling second best
(b) sort out the fact your husband prioritise some children other another before bring a third set into the equation
(c) sort out the emotional upset that his children are feeling adjusting to living with your ways and food and dealing with their mother taking little interest, before their father is distracted by another child.

They are children, not hamsters.

Welshmamma Fri 31-Mar-17 23:30:14

I agree with you. Trying for a baby is a fairytale idea and in reality I think it would damage his kids right now.

Mum used to feed them junk, loads of sweets etc whereas I am not keen on loading mine with rubbish. He continued to feed them what they were used too during the time he was a single dad. Don't blame him it's not easy bringing four kids up alone.

Thanks for being frank.... gave me a huge nudge in the appropriate part of my brain 👌🏽

fruitbats Fri 31-Mar-17 23:39:06

Is the thread about second wives or step children?
I'll go with the thread title.

I am a second wife but DH doesn't have DC. I know we are better together than he and his first wife (he loved her very much when they married)
He is my second husband and step father to my DS. He is not second best. DH is far better than my first husband and a fantastic step dad.

emilybrontescorset Fri 31-Mar-17 23:41:02

I know it's very hard being the sole parent who cares.
Thousands of (mainly women) find themselves in this awful position.
The only advice I have is to let go.
You cannot control the mums behaviour, it's not pleasant but quite frankly it's not unusual.
Btw stop thinking that women should behave better than men When it comes to parenting.

Welshmamma Sat 01-Apr-17 00:01:35

Hit the nail on the head! Letting go is harder than I thought!
I don't think that but I think both parents have a responsibility. And only one has stepped up to the mark in this case. But I do my best for them even though I'm not their mum.

I love my hubby loads! My ex was a monster and absolutely destroyed me the years we were together. My DH is a breath of fresh air and has made our life much happier. So I need to stop being so bloody ridiculous and man up! And I know he doesn't see me as second best. He loves me. It's me that thinks that..... for some irrational and random reason! Overthinking is a nightmare!!

Thanks ladies...... always rely on other women to throw some perspective on things grin

Welshmamma Sat 01-Apr-17 00:07:38

And BTW I have never owned a hamster!! 😂
I have three gorgeous kids and step kids to boot! I put a lot of time and effort into making them all feel loved and valued, they have all been part of broken families and I think I've done a good job.
They have had loads of support and time. All of them, individually and as a family. My children have moved on and are happy.
My Sc are happy. They do say they are very happy, but their mum plays emotional games with them and this really sets them back.
My dad left when I was kid and it was hard as he didn't see us much, but I had my mum who was amazing. My dad isn't in my life and that was my choice as an adult. Had my mum left I'm sure I would have been broken..... it's hard for them x I need to more empathetic ..... and not take everything personally .... 🤔

Isetan Sat 01-Apr-17 07:02:19

The priority should be these children and waiting for their Mother to prioritise them isn't helping them. If you and their father find it difficult navigating their hurt with them, then seek professional help because if you're finding it difficult, they're finding it a million times worse.

Given the trauma that these kids have been through and their continuing difficulties, it really is hard to understand why you thought TTC was a good idea? You can never fill the hole that their Mother has made and continues to reinforce, that isn't your job. The role of you and your H is to provide a stable and loving environment and to support these children in their navigation of their emotions.

Continuing to feed them junk because their Mother did is a cop out and shouldn't be an excuse to not prioritise their health. He probably wasn't as active a parent when he was with their Mother and he's had to step up when being a single father but being the RP comes with major responsibilities.

DD was abandoned by her father and even though I was always the primary caregiver and we split when she was two, it still has a profound effect on her. Society has made it acceptable for Father's to be at best, the secondary parent and at the very worst, the absent one. Which probably explains why that some who have the RP role, have an expectation that any new partner become the primary caregiver.

Being the resident biological parent to a child effectively abandoned by their other biological parent is difficult, being the non-biological RP is going to be harder still. So don't beat yourself up about not being able to fill their Mother's (even though she probably wasn't the best) shoes, nobody can. Yours is a supporting role and not the primary, he is their biological parent and he can't outsource the parenting of his kids onto you, that's not fair on you or these kids.

Ellisandra Sat 01-Apr-17 07:47:15

Hats off to you for making a home and family so many! flowers

Sorry I searched your posts - I really was just confused that your title didn't fit the OP.

Sounds like you really don't feel second best as a wife - and you shouldn't! 👍🏻

Welshmamma Sat 01-Apr-17 08:19:18

It's ok Ellesandra it's a MN thing lol x

Having five kids in the house is certainly a challenge at times, especially as four are teens!
But I knew I would be taking the children not just my husband.
The ex wife is one selfish woman, she made a huge fuss on Mother's Day that the kids should be with her. Two of her four went but then she brought them home early because her BF had plans...... so again the DD who lives with us came home tearful and angry. I feel like giving the ex and her bf a bloody good talking too but it wouldn't help I guess x

My hubby wasn't as active as his wife because she was pretty much a SAHM during their marriage and so he would work extra to make ends meet. She basically did everything for her children and then when she felt the strain struggled to get them to do anything to help. When they first moved in they were being handed their meals in their bedrooms as it's what their mum did. He was taking them drinks and then taking out the empties! I nearly passed out lol it doesn't happen now. If at 17 you can't at least come and collect your meal your gonna struggle when you head off to uni next year. So it's been learning curve all round x

You've all helped put things in perspective, I was being ridiculous. Sometimes I get cross and have to blow steam somewhere 😜

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