Discovered husbands affair, so many emotions(25 Posts)
Discovered that my husband was having an affair 3 weeks ago, we have a 7 month old DD and 2yr old DS.
Such a cliché, since Christmas he'd become distant, cold and angry. Announced in Feb that he needed "space" and that he loved me but not as a wife.
Cue me desperately trying to sort things out, wondering about depression and all sorts. Many days despairing wondering if he was going to leave me with 2 tiny ones, eventually I decided to log into his ipad as there was a niggle at the back of my mind and I discovered a full blown affair with his mates gf. Been going on since December.
Initially I thought our marriage was over, especially after the way he'd treated me and the kids... but he ended it with her, promised he'd change and grow up, is so sorry and remorseful and so I find myself saying we will try and work things out.
We have marriage counselling starting next week, and he is back living at home but I find myself swinging wildly between emotions all the time. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. We've been together 8 years, our whole adult lives really and were very happy.
Anyone experienced the same thing? Managed to get through it? Or am I clinging on to the past?
Ask yourself why you would wsbt to keep someone who cheated on you.
Your youngest is 7 months old!
You're probably in panic mode now and will try anything to keep him.
He might not have ended it with her. He could be lying. Can you actually trust him again?
I am always disappointed by these threads cos the woman seems to be the one frantically trying to solve the fact that her husband is a liar and cheat; it's not for you to fix anything but initially I guess you go into survival mode.
Get him gone OP; it's the only way; he will do it again if you allow his life to carry on as before; there must be a consequence for his shitty behaviour; otherwise you are basically saying after I nag you about it then it's fine; you can carry on and do it again in the future.
Give him a good hard shock; he sounds horrible actually; at a time where you probably needed him the most he was off shagging his pal's g/f - what does that tell you about him?
What happens the next time some young filly gives him the eye, no trust = no relationship.
I'm so sorry you're going through this
This is not your fault, and it certainly isn't your responsibility to "fix" anything. This is his doing, not yours.
What is he doing to prove to you this won't continue or happen again?
How did it he find him self with his MATES gf? I take it he's lost a mate too?
Is he minimising it and denying many things even if you have evidence of it from the Ipad?
Is he showing genuine remorse?
Is he doing everything in his power to win you back or are you doing the pick me dance??
Who booked the counselling?
Do you have access to his phone/ social media accounts??
Can you live with the fact that whilst you were probably spending time juggling a toddler and a 7 month old (which is TOUGH) he was all over someone else, intimately?
How do you know there is no contact between them any longer?
Hugs to you. What a difficult situation for you with two small babies 😢
The babies are keeping me going, definitely provide a sort of mental protection I think.
When I write it down it hits me again how unbelievably selfishly he has behaved, how angry I am that Yes it is a time when I've never needed him more. The disrespect, the breach of trust, the thought of him with another woman sickens me. So many things broken on the back of his weakness.
I was trying to fix it before, before I knew what was really going on. Since then the roles have been reversed.
He does seem genuinely remorseful, very ashamed too. He hasn't minimised anything and has answered everything I've asked. I have access to social media and phones etc and I can see that the OW is blocked. Of course now the trust is gone you can never be totally sure... He has offered to get me the details for his work van tracker also.
It wasn't a particularly close mate, football mate, as far as I'm aware he doesn't know. OW also works with my brother, H offered her a lift home one night when he was collecting my brother and things went from there. The thing is my brother is always talking about her reputation for doing this sort of thing, I don't think it is the first time she has cheated and she claims that her bf has cheated on her too. Clearly not the healthiest of relationships. She is classic damsel in distress.
He so far seems to be doing everything he can to try and get through this.
I would probably advise myself to finish it, but then when it happens to you it is not so simple. I HATE what he's done, I'm disgusted by him, but to let go of everything seems so final. Maybe that is what will happen eventually, such a loss to come to terms with though.
No, no, no, do not blame the OW, the OW may be like that but so is your husband and the OW is not married with small babies; I would highly doubt he has told you everything.
So what he's doing is basically agreeing with everything you say but his comfy home life and surroundings stay the same; so in other words OP, a wee slap on the wrist and he tells you he won't do it again.
Tell him to go, it's the only way he will feel any remorse or even have proper respect for you; he's basically using the fact that you have kids and don't want to rock the boat as his get out of jail free card.
I am sorry I am just so sick of reading the same crap on here; man cheats, says, sorry, partner then tries desperately to take blame and try and fix why he cheated.
He cheated because he saw an opportunity and took it and made good use of it; he's only sorry he got caught, nothing has changed in him, he will still continue to think nothing of cheating on you.
You need to kick him out.
And you never know OP, people could also be taking about your husband's reputation.
It is difficult to suddenly think it's the end of your married life when your husband has been involving OW (on whatever grounds) when you thought everything was okay.
It's like a loss of control and you had no idea if was coming to bite you in the arse. The thing is, even if you decide to reconcile this is going to eat at you every day for a very long time. The hurt, betrayal, deception, lies, the feelings of a false history.. it goes on.. some people can get over it (and lead a normal or toxic marriage full of resentment) and others simply can't.
Time will tell.
What was the context of their messages you read? Did he say anything to imply they were going to be together or was it flirting etc..
how many times did he have sex with her??
You are doing the Pick Me Dance
Sure fire way to make your cheating husband despise you even more.
Really sorry to hear that you are going through this.
Have you arranged an STI check?
Do you really want to carry on living with this lying cheating shitbag?
He cheated because he saw an opportunity and took it and made good use of it; he's only sorry he got caught, nothing has changed in him, he will still continue to think nothing of cheating on you
Agree with this.
Will add that he's likely to do it again
I'm very sorry this has happened to you, what an absolute cunt.
I could never forgive, never get the image of him with another woman out of my head & never trust him again.
I too would ask him to leave, you deserve better.
You're already starting to blame the OW. This wasn't her. It was your partner who shit on you from a great height, she has no obligation to you - he does.
He's blocked her? Are you sure he hasn't shifted her details around with someone else?
When did you find out? Have you had plenty of time alone to process. I'm not saying that taking him back shouldn't happen. That's got to be your call, but you need to give yourself plenty of time before deciding either way.
Google 'Hysterical Bonding' and 'The pick me dance'
Please don't do those things.
Take your time here.
Give yourself some space.
Think things through properly.
Confide in a friend.
Then decide what YOU want!!
Does the OM know about the affair?
Thank you everyone for your advice, lots for me to think about. In the meantime I'm determined to enjoy my beautiful children, I won't get this time with them back.
You are getting a v ltb one sided response here and obviously it is worth saying that some marriages do recover from adultery and can even be stronger afterwards so op think about what you want and take your time.
I am in no way excusing what he did btw he has acted appallingly but if he really wants to make this work then it is up to you whether you want to try. And personally i do not subscribe to the argument that she is not to blame at all for this because she knew full well what the situation was and there are no excuse for her behaviour imo.
I will only add that i know personally of 2 marriages rocked in exactly the same way that have gone on to be v happy long term relationships so it can happen but only you know which option is right for you.
So sorry for your pain and good luck xxx
flapjackfairy thank you - I knew posting here I would get strong opinions, but to hear of the other side is important too.
There is no excuse for his behaviour, and I was all set to finish it and I did immediately ask him to leave. What I wasn't prepared for is his seemingly genuine remorse and willingness to really try and change. I haven't asked for any of it, it's all coming from him.
Whilst I know husband is 100% responsible for his actions I do feel that I would never behave like that to another woman, she knew, like he did, the potential consequences of their actions and I just couldn't do that to someone.
If you're unsure I'd take a break. If he really really wants you then he'll wait for you to get your head sorted. If he doesn't wait then you have your answer anyway. He owes you time to process it, he shouldn't just get to waltz back into his marriage with you as if nothing happened.
Similar thing happened to me a year ago.. I tried to sweep it under the carpet, carry on as normal, forgave him but it's very hard to forget, you'll never trust him again.. even if he pops to the shops you'll wonder where he is... it isn't a life. But your kids are young and I know it's hard... good luck
If not this OW, it would be another. It's not a matter of If, but When with your DH for the next one. He has proven that your vows mean nothing. There will always be women in the world in your husband's life. All he has to do is give a ride to one and it leads to an affair? Isn't it easier to expect one man to say No than expecting millions of women to say No?
Take your time with this, but if you take him back, you are signing his permission slip for future playing away. This one came too easy.
"Make it clear that you haven't decided to stay together, you've merely decided not to throw him out yet"
Remember, it wasn't a spur-of-the-moment thing. A moment of madness when he lost all good sense. He actively pursued her. While he lied to you at every turn.
I have no idea how a man can work full-time, has two tinies at home and can have the time and energy to carry out a seedy affair but apparently it seems that where there's a will, there's a way.
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