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Don't know what I want

(8 Posts)
MumsBiscuits Fri 31-Mar-17 13:59:16

I have had a feeling for over a year that I don’t love my DH the way I should. Married 6yrs, together 10. Two kids. He’s difficult to live with, I actually like it when he goes out (rare) as I get peace & quiet. I don’t enjoy passion with him either, I actually find myself recoiling and could easily go without for the foreseeable. I tried to tell him my feelings last year. This actually made it worse, he’s watching my every move to see if there’s a 3rd party but also declaring his undying love for me all the time – but also gets huffy and childish also if he feels he’s not getting the same in return.

We had a chat last night and he says he loves me as much as ever – he admits he’s difficult to live with but is working on it . I still love him but don’t think I’m in love with him. What a cliché. I don’t know if I can get it back, we’ve both done and said some shi**y things over the years. He’s offered to leave and find a room to rent.

I feel like denying all my feelings just to keep the status quo - scared of hurting him so much, and upsetting the kids. On the other hand i just don't want to see myself in 20 years living with the same bad tempered moody person.

I don’t know how to get to the bottom of what I actually want. The thought of him leaving the family home to go rent a room makes me so sad – it would be all my fault and the kids would be upset. I used to think if we could fast forward and have a decent parenting relationship but separated then I’d be happy as larry – but I just don’t know…

Any help or words of wisdom appreciated… Feeling terribly upset today. Know he is too.

Adora10 Fri 31-Mar-17 17:00:55

Well it's more about what you don't want and what you don't want for you or your kids is a bad tempered moody person; nobody should have to suffer that, married or not and I'd doubt he can change his personality either; honestly from your pov it sounds like it's well and truly over.

Adora10 Fri 31-Mar-17 17:02:10

It wouldn't be your fault; it would be a case of it's not working out living together so mummy and daddy are going to live separately but you will see them both regularly; it's being done thousands of times a day. Don't be martyr at the expense of your happiness.

needanewplan Fri 31-Mar-17 19:41:15

Oh you poor soul - I feel for you. Are the tricky thing is that if you quite like the idea of pressing ff to separation it's not a fear of being alone that's difficult, but rather something holding you back from ending this specific marriage.

The trick is I think working out what that thing is and weighing it up against the upsides but it's easier said than done.

I do also have a feeling that this is the point of marriage vows and all the pomp and circumstance of marriage - to make you stop and think at a time when if your dh were a boyfriend you'd have already cut and run (plus children of course)...

Are you able to isolate why you find the idea of upsetting him with a split difficult?

DistanceCall Fri 31-Mar-17 19:51:03

You say that you once were in love with him. What has changed since then? What do you mean when you say he is difficult?

Shayelle Fri 31-Mar-17 20:29:58


Dadaist Fri 31-Mar-17 23:24:52

Well - of course he's occasionally 'moody' - because his DW is being distant and telling him she is unsure of her feelings and is avoiding intimacy. He's still trying to be demonstrative and loving - but also gets upset (moody and snappy I imagine?) I think this is what you'd expect when someone withdraws isn't it?
OP - what has changed? Are you just bored of him? I guess his relentless attempts to re-connect are going to drive you further away emotionally aren't they?

Welshmamma Fri 31-Mar-17 23:37:16


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