Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this emotional abuse?

(13 Posts)
user1490954378 Fri 31-Mar-17 11:19:13

I am not sure if my husband has been emotionally abusing me. These following things have become quite normal, although I have realised that they are not always normal. I am very confused, and would really appreciate opinions on this. I have made a list of things (see below), which are ways he behaves towards/around me.
He does the following:
Refuses to sit next to me, and insists that I sit on the other sofa, (says he needs room around him for his laptop, other things, etc.. Actually tells me to move, and insists that I do, if I don't straight away, while making a joke of it, even if I say that seriously I would like him to sit with me. This is very hurtful, but he doesn't seem to care at all that it upsets me.

Doesn't show me affection. Only really initiates physical contact with me privately, when he wants sex.

Isn't very supportive of my ideas, particularly my recent business idea, that I am trying to make work. Doesn't take it seriously, or acknowledge that I am working. Actually came home and asked me, when I was literally elbow deep in work, if I was going to go and sort the washing. When I asked if he could do it, he said he'd been working all day. He blanked me when I said I had been working all day too.

No faith in my ideas or abilities, it seems, and shows little to no interest in anything I do.

Seems often irritated by me, especially if I am just being myself. Tells me not to talk, (actually said 'don't speak' two nights ago, but this happens regularly,) when I am reading something back to myself, or just muttering something to myself, like counting when double checking something, for example. This seems to happen a lot.

Refuses to take a call for me if I am struggling with something, and complains that he 'always' has to answer the phone, when in reality, it is once in a blue moon, and I'd it for him.

Often doesn't answer when I talk to him /blanks me completely.

Has made comments about my appearance. Called my nose 'bulbous' and laughed. Has encouraged me to weigh myself in the past, which I was actually doing for a while, but I have stopped as I felt it was unfair and not particularly normal for him to ask me to do it.

Refused to let me have a divorce a few years ago, and put a lot of pressure emotionally on me to put me off leaving. Told me that he would feel resentment if I moved to another town with the kids, and that he would probably not see them if I did that.. despite the fact that I would have fully co-operated in him being able to regularly see them. Constantly picked fights with me when I said I wanted to leave, till I broke down and agreed to stay.

He has total financial control, and his family support him fully, and are quite financially comfortable. I agreed to sign myself off the mortgage on our home back when I had asked for a divorce. I foolishly thought this would help me and my kids get re-housed by the council, but I ended up staying anyway, and he was happy for me to be off the mortgage. Now I realise that I made a big mistake doing that.

Shouts at me often.

Tells me that I am shouting when I am upset but I am talking in a calm voice.

NeonGod73 Fri 31-Mar-17 11:23:12

I think you already know the answer but you need reassurance.

pog100 Fri 31-Mar-17 11:23:56

lots of people will have more advise, but it is very very clear that you need to leave him. As far as I understand it, it makes no difference whose name is on the mortgage if you are married, it is a joint marital asset, as is his pension, savings etc. I suspect you are not as trapped financially as you think.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 31-Mar-17 11:30:17

Yes it's abuse.
Emotional, verbal, financial.
Although you signed off of the mortgage, as you are married and have DC together it is still a marital asset and you are entitled to at least 50% of it!
You know what you need to do.
He cannot 'refuse' to give you a divorce.
You start proceedings and get a divorce.
It won't be simple but it can be done so get the ball rolling.
Get out. Get your DC out of this horrible environment and atmosphere!
Find yourself and your happiness again.
You know you deserve it!

SleepFreeZone Fri 31-Mar-17 11:32:58

This is not normal no.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 31-Mar-17 11:33:54

And contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can help you with local support services and a safe exit plan.
Do you have family or friends you could go to?
Maybe have a chat with CAB and see what you would be entitled to if you leave.
i.e. benefits, credits, maintenance etc...
Do you know what your DH earns???
Does he have a pension?
Any other assets? Other properties, cars, etc....?

Brokejoke Fri 31-Mar-17 11:38:44

It sounds terrible. Can you leave him op? flowers

Adora10 Fri 31-Mar-17 11:43:57

100% not normal OP; he sounds vile and a bully, you need to leave.

EffinElle Fri 31-Mar-17 11:56:23

Leave the nasty fucker and even though your not on the mortgage your still entitled to a percentage of the house as your married.

user1490954378 Fri 31-Mar-17 12:21:30

Thank you all so much for all your advice and encouragement on leaving him. I still need to think through exactlty what I am going to do, but I will defiitely give Womens Aid a call. Thank you all.

EffinElle Fri 31-Mar-17 12:33:21

Best of luck!

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 31-Mar-17 13:22:50

Yes, it's abuse. flowers

user1490954378 Fri 31-Mar-17 13:28:16

Thank you smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now