Married with three children and in love with someone else...

[MinkMonk80]

I am married and have three young boys (7, 5, 3). Over the last year I have become desperately in love with someone else. I tried to be in denial about this, or pretend that it could be platonic and therefore compatible with being married but it couldn't; it isn't. The other person and I agreed not to see each other and my grief about this was impossible to hide so I told my husband everything. He is very very sad, but wants us to build a new relationship, not just staying together for the sake of the children, but trying to build happiness for us. I feel I can't commit to this while I am still so in love with the other person, it would be unfair. Would it? Or should I act in hope for the sake of the children and hope that love can grow again between my husband and me? We are all feeling very broken and fragile. How much weight should the children carry here? All of it? Or is that unfair on them in the long term?

[mrssapphirebright]

Hi MinkMonk, just wanted to offer my sympathy. I was in nearly the exact same shoes as you (2 dc not 3). i could've written your post myself years ago.

Fell in love with a colleague many years ago. I was married with 2 young dc. He was in a LTR. We became friends and after a few years we confessed how we felt about each other. He felt awful for falling for a married woman and didn't want to be a home wrecker. I wanted my marriage to work (even though i had my doubts about my marriage long before this guy came on the scene). We decided not to do anything about our feelings.

I was broken and empty. Told me dh as we were quite open with each other. he was heartbroken and asked me to find another job. I did. It was awful. I hated my new job and missed OM. But dh and i plodded on and life carried on.

OM ended up marrying his girlfriend, moving out of the area and had a dc together. He never left my mind and i would think about him often.

Fast forward 8 years and I was at a conference in the town he had moved to (unknown to me). I was with my boss and he told me that over dinner the previous night he had got chatting to a guy who apparently knew me (we work / trained in the same industry). Couldn't remember his name etc but said he's point him out at dinner that night. It was him.

Cue much awkwardness and catching up that night. It was obvious we felt the same still.

What i wasn't expecting is for my boss to headhunt him after and offer him a job with our company.

The rest they say is history. Within 3 months we realised we couldn't be apart. Both left our spouses etc.

That was 6/7 years ago now. We are very happily married now. Call it fate if you like. It was an awfully painful long journey to get here though.

OP, be careful and look after yourself.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Your poor husband. And poor you. It sounds incredibly difficult.

Have you thought about counselling? For yourself first, then maybe as a couple? And perhaps your DH could get counselling too?

It won't be fixed overnight for sure but there is hope. You sound like you have a truly amazing husband though.

[MinkMonk80]

He is very amazing. I really can't believe how maturely and kindly he is behaving.

I think we do need counselling. I think whichever path we take it is going to be a long road...

[QuiteLikely5]

Were you desperately unhappy with your husband prior to meeting the OM?

If your marriage was on the slide and you felt unhappy then I would say if you have tried for the last year to revive it you should leave

If your marriage was fine and you had no thoughts of getting out prior to meeting OM then you should strive to save it

You can't just give up on your children's livelihood because you fancy someone else.

It's ridiculous to even create that situation.

Married people with kids shouldn't be putting lust and excitement before their children's foundations

[user1490538976]

I've been in your position.
I didn't have kids but he had a son.
Had been friends for years and had feelings for each other both with other people.
Finally about to get together and he's partner tells him she's pregnant again.
Stupidly we continued talking and slept together ..both felt so guilty and cut off contact.
I loved him and I do think he loved me (he said so)
We live about 5 mins apart but never see each other (which is odd)
Just heard last week he split from girlfriend and I'm now single too but it's been nearly 2 years maybe he doesn't feel the same anymore.

[MinkMonk80]

Our relationship was disconnected before I met the other person. Ironically, it has been better in the last year than it has ever been, because I have had the mental strength to try to make the connection and robust enough to cope with rejection.

I don't classify my attachment to the other person as 'lust and excitement' at all, but I see what you're saying. The children would be worse off if we split, for sure. I don't think my relationship with my DH is dysfunctional enough to hurt them, so I can't even say that I am modelling healthy boundaries and self-esteem, etc.

[Apostolism]

I think all people can give you on here is support and similar stories because it so very much depends on your situation.

I was you. Stayed with DH because I did (and do) very much love and like him, had a family and life together. However, I am still to this day (8 years on) best friends with OM. Mad as that may sound it has helped me to stay together with my DH. We have very strong boundaries but talk and see each other all the time as just friends. I still feel the same but I believe it's possible to love more than one person. I just never talk about it and will never act on it. Honestly if I'd had to never seen him again I don't know what would have happened.

Sounds mental I know. Never told DH but he knows OM well (family friends now).

[MinkMonk80]

Agirl I too believed it was possible to love more than one person. And maybe it still is? Did you have sexual relations with OM at any stage? Not seeing the person again is a stumbling block for me, it's true.

[QuiteLikely5]

If a relationship doesn't start with lust and excitement then what is it?

You can't just change your mind about marriage because someone you fancy comes along.

You'll get over it. Forget the man and if your marriage isn't working in 18 months then go

[Dodoobdedoob]

I'm on the other side of this at the moment. All I would say is that keep being honest so he knows where your marriage is at. If you do leave, best not to jump into another relationship straight away, give everyone and yourself time to heal and adjust. And don't rewrite history of your relationship with dh that's unnecessary.

[Firstliftlastcall]

Stupid question perhaps and apologies if I'm reading too much into this, but is the other person a woman? You are being quite gender non-specific in your posts.

[mrssapphirebright]

Loving more than one person is possible i think, but yearning and longing to be with someone is exclusive to one person IMO.

[Sherashed]

I'm sorry, but I think your children are too young for you to allow yourself to be so consumed with this other person. Perhaps because I'm the product of a cheating father and messed up childhood, but my opinion is that when you have chosen to have 3 children and given they're so young, now is not the time to be so selfish.

I have 3 children, and my happiness comes second to their happiness and wellbeing.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Let your husband go so that he can be loved.

[MyUsernameIsInvalid]

You say you can't commit to working at your marriage with your husband, because it would be unfair as you love the other guy, is a complete excuse.

You fell in love with a guy, while already committed to your husband, THAT's unfair.

So obviously, giving your husband your full attention and effort is the opposite of unfair, isn't it? Please tell me if I'm wrong on that point.

Working at your marriage won't work if you fantasise about the other guy, only when you permanently end that fantasy can you begin to work on your marriage.

May sound harsh, which I apologise for. But seeing so much sympathy for an emotional affair (and people even supporting the idea of it), I had to be someone who fought for your marriage.

Also myheartbelongstoG.... after seeing so much heartbreak and pain from divorces on here, the fact you're willing this woman to just end her marriage and break her kids hearts just shows what kind of heartless person you are. Then again, it's not your life forever affected if they break up, is it, so why care?

[Apostolism]

mink I did have brief physical contact. BuT not for a very long time. That would be a deal
Breaker for me. Because of the betrayal of course but because it would Make it impossible to be just friends however minimal.

It isn't easy but i believe it's the right thing.

[Vegansnake]

I come from a broken home,step siblings step mother step father..fucked me up good and proper,countless teenage suicide attempts...having been though a parental breakup,I was damped sure my kids wouldn't be doing..good luck x you have to live with whatever you decide.