Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Another one totally let down by legal system & screwed over by X(6 Posts)
I am a long term poster who had to stop as X was reading my posts and has used them against me.
Age 51 Married 20 years SAHM for duration long term depression since before marriage currently under mental health team due to extremely acrimonious divorce. Diagnosed with breast cancer just as split up nearly 3 years ago now and still under yearly checks. I didn't realise my marriage was E & FA until breakdown of marriage due to x having affair with someone he employed & is still with. We have a business and had good lifestyle which probably shielded most of it.
I have been severely let down by legal profession - luckily diagnosis of cancer gave me an insurance payout which meant I could afford a solicitor but their incompetence and bad practice meant I lost the family home and paid out a substantial amount in fees. They stopped acting for me 6 weeks before my first final hearing. I had to take my mental health worker with me to get this adjourned as the judge did not agree at a telephone hearing despite having numerous GP letters that my MH was significant enough. I would have had to represent myself at this hearing.
Found 2nd barrister who let me down Two days before next final hearing having done nothing in previous couple of months due to her mother being ill And then dying.
I ended up representing myself despite having severe depression which means I become extremely distressed and unable to focus because I had no other option.
We had a further final hearing to finalise pensions and I did have representation who tried to get the judge to reconsider her decision. She refused and has refused appeal.
The outcome of my case judge says I will be able to go back to full time employment in 2.5 years time earning Approx 20k because I am intelligent. I will be 55 with a 20 year break a 20 yr history of depression which is currently severe so I have no ongoing spousal just enough to get through next 2 years. Due to the debts the x has run up in the last 2 years he has taken a substantial amount out of the equity to clear these both personal & company related. I have no share of the company. With what I have got for housing I am going to have to move away. I cannot afford to stay here.
I have received just over half pension sharing. My kids are 15 just taking GCSEs and are having to leave Private school as x says he can no longer afford it.
I am doing this in bed which is where I have been for the last 2 days. It is devoid of emotion because if I let this out I may not be able to stop.
I have been well and truly screwed over by the legal profession. My X has got away with his lies and manipulation of his finances. I am now looking into what other benefits I can get. I have just got PIP for my depression so at least somebody believes me.
I am angry by what is supposed to be justice. I am more angry about my mental health being taken advantage of during the process and then completely ignored when it comes to giving a judgement. My mental health worker referred my kids to SS due to the X,s emotional control over them which he is still exerting.
As long as this is justice E &FA will continue there is no accountability. I am trying to find something to hang onto to stop the depression taking hold. I know it's my kids but they have been let down too - they were the only reason I was fighting - to give them what x told them they would have.
Thanks for reading if you have got to the end x
I don't have the same experience as you but am so very sorry you've had such an awful time and been let down so badly.
I have recently been through the high courts in an extremely stressful claim for damages in a different scenario. It's appallingly stressful. Nobody who hasn't done it can know what it is like to be cross examined for hours and bullied and intimidated. I cannot even imagine trying to do so without counsel.
In terms of what next I can only say what I am trying to do. Allow myself time to begin to heal. I have days when I am obsessed with it and cannot stop the cycles of thoughts and going over and over it. Some days I feel better. I'm often more anxious later in the day. I suffer awful, awful nightmares but even these are beginning to improve. I'm now almost two months post court.
Do you have good support? If so, use it as much as possible. And then make time for you to have some nurturing, be it a massage, a walk in the park or whatever. Engage in everything and anything which will help you recover from your depression as much as possible.
Maybe the judge is correct and you can get back to work...that may seem ludicrous and unlikely right now but wouldn't it actually be awesome to do that? Even voluntary work would raise your self esteem and enable you to meet new people ( and ease you back into the work place).
Be kind to yourself. My own legal team always warned me that the system is unfair and often gets things wrong. But one can only fight so far. Best wishes to you and I hope you feel able to get out of bed soon even if it's just to open the curtains, shower and look at the spring unfolding outside. .
PS. I don't know if you can tell but I've had a LOT of counselling and Mindfulness training.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad.As Matlida has said try to focus on the positives in your life.The darkest point is always before the dawn.You will be able to rebuild your life by small steps.Try to focus on the present and the positives in your life right now.You will always have your children.
Getting into the workplace maybe the best thing for you despite the overwhelming feelings you have now.Judges are no longer keen to award joint lives awards so there will be many women ((including myself) in your position.Good luck
Thanks for the replies matilda Ive done counselling & minfulness too right now I feel like I'm going into breakdown - I've been here before - PTSD when left last job - I can see the sun is shining normally I would be outside but my head is banging, my body feels like a dead weight , I am too numb to cry - my mouth is dry the only thing that kept me going was the prospect that I would come out ok financially and this would somehow compensate for everything else. I need to get in touch with MH or my gp
Pick up the phone, love and call your GP or emergency MH team. When things are this bad you just have to do whatever it takes to get through until the darkness lifts a little. Do you have any friends or family to talk to or be with? The Samaritons will listen night and day.
It will get better. Has this happened very recently or maybe just caught up with you. Keep posting here for support if you are able. I don't mean to sound trite and blasé about all the mindfulness etc but even having a shower or sipping a cup of tea can help you reconnect with life.x
I knocked myself out with Sleeping tablets so got some sleep. Yes in court last week - my DS is bringing me tea but he shouldn't have to see me like this - DD is with friends -DS going to friends tonight -they are the only reason I have put myself through this and they have been screwed over by their own DF and his money grabbing OW. It should be her on benefits both her & her X lost their jobs she looked to my X to help them not only did she get a job in the business but X as well. He was vulnerable his DM had just died. How long will it take for my kids to see the reality. No doubt he will have some fancy holiday planned whilst he says he can't afford school fees. I know this will shift just dont know when.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.