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How would you feel if your H did this?(17 Posts)
Apologies for the title. Two days ago H emailed me a link to a news story about a woman who has aspergers/high functioning autism. No explanation, when I asked him why he said 'why shouldn't I?' The implication is that I am apparently suffering from this. It's really hurt my feelings somehow but I actually do think I have many Asperger tendencies, we've discussed this before. The article was interesting but not particularly relevant. So I find myself once again wondering if I am, and not knowing how 'bad' I am.
The trouble is, I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel now! It's pulled the rug out from under me as if I am (Asperger) I don't know if my reactions are right or wrong. I doubt myself at the best of times. I think he wants to label me as 'defective'. Don't want to drip feed but he has abusive tendencies and I'm thinking of leaving but just concentrating on a work project these days, we're living semi-separately because he got a new puppy (which I didn't agree with due to logistics).
So my question is-- how would a normal person (NT) react to this? Should I laugh it off or take it seriously? Is it an example of gas lighting?
Or should I pursue this with GP... Just because I think I am, but a diagnosis might not help. And I specifically would not want to play into H's hands!
Putting him to one side, what would you like to do?
If you've had thoughts that this might be something you have, would you like the clarity of a diagnosis, and support?
If you're living apart you could do this privately and not tell him. Ask for more time apart for the work project while you get some headspace to decide what you want to do.
If he's being EA in your mind, perhaps keep a diary of it, and get some counselling to discuss whether it's your feeling or his behaviour during these experiences.
In a normal relationship (no abuse) and with you thinking it could be possible, i would think he was trying to help.
But then i have aspergers. Having aspergers doesnt mean your reactions are wrong. You just process things differently.
You certainly aren't defective. Many people know about my diagnosis. I am open about it and no one has ever treat me as defective. From my family to my bosses and work collegues.
A diagnosis did help me. It helped me plan coping strategys and i became kinder to myself.
I've sent DB a quiz link before which gives a broad view as to whether someone is on the spectrum - he is (as are his family) but not enough to pursue a diagnosis. We affectionately call it his asaparagus tendencies - please no offence there to anyone who suffers badly.
You and your DH have spoken about it so it's not like it's out of the blue. Maybe he is trying to help but you say he's got abusive tendencies and you are trying to leave so perhaps not.
If you aren't right together and he's abusibe, make it a priority to leave. And then figure out if some of your doubting yourself goes away when you're not having to deal with him. Do you have a trusted friend you could ask specifically wrt to whether pursuing a diagnosis might be helpful?
I have sometimes wondered if I might have one of those conditions but have never bothered to find out or really discussed it with my husband. If he sent me a link I would read it and go and chat with him about it to see if he just thought it was interesting and I would enjoy talking about it or if he thought it was applicable to me. I wouldnt be upset but then i tend to see actions very simply i.e. sending a news article is for interest or info as he wouldn't send anything boring or horrible to me lol
Thank you for the advice! Pledge that's a good way to approach it, I've been so offended (not about the issue, more about H trying to 'own' it) that I hadn't thought about it, I am interested in pursuing it but I don't think it should be an NHS issue, perhaps a private referral would help.
Kate how did you get the diagnosis? Glad it has helped you. I think it might help me as well. Perhaps it might hep me understand why I've stayed with a selfish bully for so long.
Summer I don't want to talk to friends about it! Sort of funny that it must run in my family, my DF is highly intelligent in a nerdy way as is my incredible computer genius DS. I'd be proud to be in the same tribe as them, so to speak, but I'm just introverted and doubt myself. I always score highly on the quizzes
Damia I think he sent it to be mean but he does have a point. I think he wants to have something to point at as me being defective.
Aspergers doesn't make you defective. It's like having a Linux Operating System when everyone else has Windows.
You shouldn't feel bad about having Aspergers (if you do have it). If your behaviour is annoying him then he needs to explain why and not make you feel guilt.
OP, reiterating what everyone has said, Aspergers does not equal defective. I found out I have it recently. It was only when my DD began the diagnosis process that I began to wonder - I'd never noticed anything different about her because she's just like me! I've always been different, but could never figure out why.
Anyway, let me tell you about my best mate, who also has Aspergers. She consistently got firsts for every essay at uni. She won both scholarships for MA and PhD hands down, because she thinks in a unique and brilliant way. There's nothing defective about her. Or me. Or you!
If your H is using this to try to put you down, tell him to sod off. If you think you want to go down the route of diagnosis, it can be a positive, empowering thing that helps you understand yourself better.
This was suggested to me by my ex. He wasn't abusive, but we are very different people and I think he thought that I must have some kind of condition because of these differences (?!). I discussed it with my counsellor post break up, and she firmly told me that labelling people is very dangerous and, I can't remember her exact words, but the gist of it was that she wasn't convinced by these diagnoses. I don't have aspergers, I'm just an introvert and can survive well enough in my own company. I like being with people as well, but don't feel the need to be in company constantly.
If you feel you'd like to see your GP to discuss any concerns you have, then do so, but do it for yourself, not because someone might be trying to convince you that you are something you're not. I'm glad I raised it with my counsellor and was reassured by her.
You don't suffer from Aspergers it's not an illness.
If you do have AS then you've always had it. He presumably married you for you, just as you are, so trying to claim you're defective doesn't add up unless he's trying to hurt you. What form do his abusive tendencies take?
Do you think exploring a diagnosis would benefit you? Mine has helped me understand myself and recognise stress triggers, enabling me to manage life in a way that is much better suited to me. Before the dx I was trying to do everything the way NT people do and it just didn't work. I know a lot of people who suspect they have AS don't feel the need for a dx, for various reasons, and choose not to persue one.
I don't think there's any right or wrong response from you. You know your DH best and his motives. It does seem a bit insensitive to not approach it better and with tact. It sounds like he has a back story of nasty behaviour and your self confidence is low which creates doubt. Been there.
I don't think the email alone is bad, but i can see why you would be upset. He should approach it in a supporting way, not a way that makes you feel defective.
Oh no-- i didn't mean to suggest aspergers meant defective! That was supposed to be ironic. I'm sure I am and actually would like to explore how it's affected me. I think it might help my self confidence to acknowledge it. I never feel I know how to do the right thing socially and I'm secretly obsessed with wondering what people think of me. I'm happier being mostly by myself!
But I'm also wondering if it's made me more tolerant of a bad relationship.
And yes regarding labels- that is what H wants to do. I quizzed him about it this morning and got no explanation or apologies but he wouldn't tell me what he'd intended to achieve by sending it.
Sorry Fabulous , I have three kids with asd and misunderstood.
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