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why would you do this to your daughter?

(38 Posts)
baldingeagle Fri 31-Mar-17 00:22:38

if someone else makes an effort and looks nice, she thinks they are beautiful. If I make an effort and look nice she tells me I am showing off.

If somebody else gets a job, she congratulates them. If I get a job she tells me I probably slept with someone to get it (probably after making an effort to look nice and showing off.)

She reads stories in the paper about paedophilia and is horrified and doesn't stop talking about it for days. When I told her when I was 14 that a teacher was being inappropriate with me, she said it was my fault for leading them on.

If somebody tells her something bad that happened to them, she will sympathise and offer support. If I tell her I am sad or down she'll tell me it's my fault and I deserve everything that I get.

If somebody else gets married, she says congratulations. When I got married she said either he has something severely wrong with him to have picked you, or you've lied to him/been behaving in a fake way, so he does't know what you're really like.

When the best man made his speech at my wedding, she clapped. When I made a speech after him, she heckled me to the point that I had to stop.

She obsessively pours over other people's Facebook profiles and likes and leaves nice comments on their pictures of their families. She comments underneath similar family photos of me and my children, saying she finds my smugness "disgusting" and that I am showing off and giving people an unrealistic picture of my life.

I block her on Facebook, only to get a call from my (bystander) father to tell me that she's been crying for days that I have blocked her on facebook and for his sake, I need to refriened her.

And this has happened every day, since I was very young.

Obviously I see that she is highly dysfunctional and emotionally abusive - but why? Why would you do this to your own daughter? I just cannot imagine doing this to my daughter, who is currently only a toddler. What could I have possibly done to my own mother to make her feel this way about me?

Aquamarine1029 Fri 31-Mar-17 00:27:10

You have done nothing to cause your mother to behave this way. Everything she does is squarely her responsibility. I pity her for being so consumed with self-loathing that she is incapable of treating her own child with love and respect. I'm so sorry. Create your own loving history with your daughter and find solace knowing you will never be like your mother.

M00nUnit Fri 31-Mar-17 00:34:02

Poor you, that sounds awful. I have no idea why mothers sometimes treat their daughters that way. Mine has said some pretty cruel things to me in the past and I've never understood why she'd want to hurt me so much.
You're going to be a wonderful mum to your daughter as you're clearly nothing like your own DM.

NancyWake Fri 31-Mar-17 00:36:53

Nothing at all. It's because you're attractive, successful, married to a nice man that she's so awful. Other parents would be proud. She can only be jealous and resentful. Sadly she's a very damaged, bitter, unhappy individual who cannot be happy for or relate normally to her child.

I would leave her un-friended if I were you, she's toxic.

candlelit35 Fri 31-Mar-17 00:39:30

Look back at the relationship she had with her own parents. She's likely playing something out with you that she suffered herself. Well done on breaking the cycle and realising it must stop here and not projected onto your own children.

mmgirish Fri 31-Mar-17 00:53:23

That's terrible. Don't let her be your friend in fb again. It's not worth it. Maybe you should write all this down and send it to both your parents to read.

LellyMcKelly Fri 31-Mar-17 00:53:35

She is jealous and bitter. It may be that you have the life she wanted. It may be that you are more attractive, or better educated, or happier than she ever was. Friend her if you must on FB to keep your dad happy, but mute her and delete any mean comments on your posts. You can't control her, you can only control your reaction.

Absofrigginlootly Fri 31-Mar-17 00:53:43

Have a look at the website daughter's of narcissistic mothers.

It will be very illuminating for you flowers

LoveDeathPrizes Fri 31-Mar-17 00:54:53

Oh my god, I have no idea! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that corrosive drip.

WomanScorned Fri 31-Mar-17 01:03:43

Oh, OP, I could have written your post.

I honestly do not know why our mothers do this. I have two sisters, with whomy she behaves like a normal human being.

But, do you know what? After a lifetime of trying to work it out, of feeling shit about myself, of aching in my guts at the injustice if it all, I've decided to stop trying to make sense of it.

So, she doesn't like me; I'm fine with that. I don't especially like her either.
I'm pretty sure her problem, and it is HER problem is that I look, sound, and even walk very, very much like her. The conclusion I've come to is that, deep down its herself she dislikes.

Do you happen to resemble your mum, OP?


ExplodedCloud Fri 31-Mar-17 01:06:31

I cannot imagine the fucked up stuff in her head that makes her behave that way. My dc are imperfect (nobody is perfect) and I love them absolutely.
This is a failing at her end. You aren't to blame. You have it right smile Your dd is a source of joy and happiness. You see that. Your mother looks away. flowers

Pallisers Fri 31-Mar-17 01:08:28

She probably had a real fuck up of a childhood. Or maybe is just really horrible.

Who cares?

She could have changed. Your dad could have taken your side and helped you - even now.

I put up with a lot - a lot - from family - but I wouldn't put up with this for a minute. The heckling at my speech would have been enough.

OP, just disengage. Tell your dad you are unfriending because she is a bitch to you and look him in the eye and say "and you know it full well and have done nothing to protect me - ever" Then go about your life without her. she is horrible.

BBCNewsRave Fri 31-Mar-17 01:24:56

If you can't deal with unfriending on fb you can set posts to "everyone except __" so she can't see them. Although Pallisers suggestion is much better.

The answer to why - is very complicated. The important thing is, it's not because of you - you do not deserve this. You sound like you have done very well coping with this toxicity so far.

e1y1 Fri 31-Mar-17 01:49:39

No idea what you have done OP - but you need to cut her out of your life! Honestly, that is awful - and it will go on until she draws her last breath.

Also, don't take any emotional blackmail from your DF either, yes he is in the middle, but you don't deserve to be made to feel like utter shit.


Summersunshine222 Fri 31-Mar-17 01:50:54

Don't bother trying to work her out, you never will. You have your own dd and just be happy you will never be like you dm. She sounds toxic.

highinthesky Fri 31-Mar-17 01:57:46

Does DM try to pass her comments off as a joke? Does she have any idea how hurtful she is being?

At least make her aware of this before you go into no contact mode.

MarilynWhirlwindRocks Fri 31-Mar-17 02:23:30


Your post could have been written by one of my closest friends, who has experienced this same treatment from her mother for 40plus years.

I expect a lot of this chimes with you:

Like you sound, friend's thoughtful, intelligent and has made a go of her life, yet all along has had the very person who should support and encourage her do exactly the opposite: chip away at her confidence, and resent her successes.

It's heartbreaking to witness.

Friend still doesn't feel able to cut her out, due to her determination to maintain contact with her decent (albeit anything-not-to-rock-the-boat, enabling when younger) an ideal world, her kids and their DGrandpa would continue their loving relationship independent of bitch-wife's whims (the DGC are never left alone with Grandma, and friend or her partner always present, during visits, thank God), but he's now very elderly, frail and controlled by reliant on her.

Bottom line: friend's mother has always resented the Father-Daughter friendship. She has zero insight into her own behaviour, though it's been pointed out in no uncertain terms. She does a very convincing Mrs Charming act in public, thus my friend is the one accused of petty, unreasonable behaviour by hoodwinked acquaintances. Jeez.

I wonder if you have siblings, and if they're treated similarly, or the opposite, to you? Are there DGC in the equation? If yes, how do you (or any MNers) handle any involvement? I'm watching this thread with interest...friend so bloody demoralised by Mother's Day fallout that I'm investigating approaches to pass on to her.

In friend's case, her brothers can literally never do wrong (despite some majorly selfish fuck-ups on their part, including adultery/ major financial arsery), whilst she is shot down at the slightest opportunity.
She tried, and fruitlessly still tries, everything in her power to get any recognition or approval, and her mother got, and gets, perverse pleasure in lulling her into a false sense that their relationship's improving, before reverting to type. Warped and cruel behaviour sad

Yup, as PPs already said, classic Narc and toxic treatment from your mother, and I'm just very sorry you are targeted for her failings xx

MarilynWhirlwindRocks Fri 31-Mar-17 02:28:32

Meant to add:
I'm incredibly sorry you were met with such a reaction on confiding to her about your teacher's behaviour. At age 14 angry

kateandme Fri 31-Mar-17 02:35:49

stop asking why wont bring an answer that is worthy of th treatment.but its you that being sent made from it.
so as hard actually as ompossible as the hurt must STOP and move on with your own goodness.its not worthy of asking why.there is no good enough reason.and all the points you've written your head knows it too.its just feelings that are harder to tackle.but you can.becasue you've obviously got fantastic things about you and your life. she is being a wrongen for a better word and live on happily.

Absofrigginlootly Fri 31-Mar-17 03:03:58

marilyn get your friend to read that website too (daughter of narcissistic mothers). It will help her too. Sounds like her DBro is the golden child and she's the scapegoat.

Susan Forward - "toxic parents". And "mothers who can't love"

Danu Morrigan - You're not crazy it's your mother

Lindsay Gibson - adult children of emotionally immature parents

Atenco Fri 31-Mar-17 03:08:38

Not a victim of this, but I do think it is to do with their feelings about themselves.

SeriousSteve Fri 31-Mar-17 03:18:43

You'd find the "Toxic Parents" book by Susan Forward most helpful and enlightening.

nooka Fri 31-Mar-17 03:22:55

I'm really not a 'LTB' person, but OP do you get anything at all positive from keeping up a relationship with your mother? I doubt very much that anything you do or say will ever be greeted positively. Your mother sounds toxic, and if your father never challenges that then he is part of the problem (plus it appears that he is also emotionally manipulative).

I would put as much distance as you possibly can between you (and absolutely block her on FB again, it's not your problem if that upsets her, if indeed it really did). There is nothing you could possibly have done as a child to make your mother be so nasty to you, and there is almost certainly nothing you can do to make her love you now.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks Fri 31-Mar-17 03:40:35

Remember - the way a person treats you says nothing about you, and everything about them. It's not your fault she treats you like this, she's just a nasty person who has picked you as her scapegoat.

Can you go NC with her? You shouldn't have to live like this, it's not fair or healthy. flowers

Shitalopram Fri 31-Mar-17 03:40:40

Sympathies OP. The same sorts of things have happened to me and I want to validate your experience.

I'm mid 40s now and my choice has been to maintain a superficial contact and only engage at a level which suits me.

I did try some years in my 30s of having showdowns with her, laying it all out. Pointless and just used as fuel for her drama-fires.

I am in the very fortunate position of having an auntie who sees it all for what it is and about 15 years ago said "yes, she doesn't like you, it IS unfair, it IS obvious, and you are not imagining it." Such a relief.

I do put a lot into being a loving and drama-free mum. But it is hard when you have no example to follow. This Mother's Day I received a speech about how proud she was to see me doing well with my kids... because I was obviously following HER example, and it was therefore HER success. I just smiled and nodded.

It's not worth my energy trying to correct or fix it.

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