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is my boyfriend emotionally abusive...

(107 Posts)
isthisevennormal Thu 30-Mar-17 22:03:30

or am I genuinely causing his reactions and over reacting?

I don't know where to start really. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a number of years and I think he may be emotionally abusive. Stupidly, my friends have been mentioning it from time to time for the past yer and a half but I thought they might just be over reacting but I looked the other day to find out the criteria for an emotional abuser and he fits almost every point. He controls what I do, he looks through my phone in what he now likes to call his 'weekly checks,' he says some disgusting stuff when he gets angry (fat, ugly, slag, c*nt, disgrace etc) and the list goes on.

I see how, if that was my friends relationship, I would call it abusive but I genuinely worry that how I've behaved during this relationship makes his behaviour acceptable. Before we were officially together I met up with an ex-fling late at night and he found out and now accuses me (almost 3 years on) of lying to him and saying that we must have had sex or at the very least kissed. I've then danced on a night out with a guy, which I shouldn't have done and I apologised (I know it doesn't make it better) but he still brings that up. I work in a male dominated field and he hates that I have male friends at work and accuses me of fancying them or wanting to sleep with them. The worst thing I did was lie to him about booking a hotel room with one of my friends at work for a conference. He didn't want me sharing the room but both me and her were fine with it and it meant the room was half price essentially. I shouldn't have done it but I felt so guilty and told him the day after and made me message the girl to say I couldn't share.

I just feel like I'm trapped staying with him because I'm not allowed to go see my friends sometimes. He doesn't like my best friend because he thinks she's a slag so he threatened to break up with me if I didn't agree to see her less than once every 2 months. Today I told him I'm going to the pub tomorrow with some of my work colleagues and he told me outright that I'm not allowed to go and he wouldn't come visit me if I didn't say I wouldn't go. I held strong for a few hours demanding a reason for why I couldn't go and what was so wrong about it and he couldn't give me an answer but I caved and said I wasn't going but he then got pissy that I said I would go to the gym with the colleagues (1 girl & 2guys.) He called me a 'goddamn slag' because the guys would be there too.

I just don't know if I have a bad moral compass and deserve this or if it's irrational of him and it's abusive?

StrongerThanIThought76 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:09:02

Yes he is abusive.

As you said yourself, what would you tell a friend in the same situation.


isthisevennormal Thu 30-Mar-17 22:10:47

Before anyone thinks I'm drip feeding info. He has once hurt me: we were in a lift and he'd said a horrible comment and had been laughing at me all day and he tried to put his finger in my face and I grabbed it moved it out of my face and told him to get away. He then proceeded to grab me by my scarf and hit my head against the wall once. He didn't apologise until the following day when I said I was really scared of him for doing that again. In an argument a few weeks later he blamed me for 'getting aggressive first.' In the same argument he accused me abut lying about who I was with, he demanded to talk to my friend who I was with and she said it was fine and he started screaming and swearing at her. He was drunk at the time but that's not right, surely?

MrsMoastyToasty Thu 30-Mar-17 22:12:55

The amount of times you mentioned the word "allowed " is very telling. You are ALLOWED to do whatever you bloody want to, you're an adult. A relationship is an equal partnership.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 30-Mar-17 22:13:02

If you stay with this man he WILL ruin your life.

Adelie0404 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:13:10

This is so wrong, and you know it. No-one has the right to control who you see, or to treat you like that. He is a textbook emotional abuser. You have to leave him.

isthisevennormal Thu 30-Mar-17 22:13:10

Thank you Stronger. It seems silly but I need outside opinions on whether this relationship is wrong. I'm always worried that my friends are saying it because they just want me out because they don't like him. I'm also worried that I'm only ever telling them the bad stuff which is why they say it to

LostSight Thu 30-Mar-17 22:13:49

is my boyfriend emotionally abusive...


Nothing you did warrants his extreme jealousy. In fact, it all sounds like normal stuff to me. He has taught you to feel guilty about it and then used it to control you.

Please get out. Don't try to build a life with this man. You're miserable already and it will only get worse.

devilinme Thu 30-Mar-17 22:15:17

What are your living arrangements? Do you live together?
You need to end the relationship

Naicehamshop Thu 30-Mar-17 22:15:42

Please read through what you have written; he is a vile, abusive disgrace of a man.

You need to get rid. Immediately.

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:16:49

Oh FFS. Tell him to Fuck off and be done with it. Why why why are you with him? Seriously, why? Relationships are meant to bring you joy. Not a load of crap. You sound like you are young, so I do get that you are perhaps in uncharted territory.

I am not young ( well, I feel young, but I'm 47). My DH is my second husband. My first husband cheated on me, among other things. Anyway, I've learned what to look for in men. My DH is younger than me (44), very, very sexy, muscly, tall, broad, handsome (police officer), he is caring, loving, kind, he never makes me feel bad, he rubs my feet, plays with my hair, we rarely argue, I look forward to him coming home, we laugh a lot.....this is what to aim for....not what you have now....

Ohyesiam Thu 30-Mar-17 22:17:14

He's controlling and abusive and sounds vile. Any are you in a relationship with him? Nobody should have to put up with this, it's not what normal relationships are like.

Women who have kids and a mortgage with abusive partners manage to find a way to leave, and you must too.

ZombieApocalips Thu 30-Mar-17 22:17:56

Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Real men do not treat their partners like that.

If I was your friend, I'd be extremely concerned for your safety and well being. It sounds like there are people that you can depend on. I bet that they would be happy to help you get out of your abusive situation.


Potplant Thu 30-Mar-17 22:19:30

Very and it will get worse.

isthisevennormal Thu 30-Mar-17 22:22:00

Thank you everyone. I realise I should leave but I just don't know how. I've tried to break up with him before but he doesn't believe me and will wear me down until I give up. I live about 2 hours away for work but I partially live with my parents in the same town where he lives so I have to go back near him. He also knows where I live so if i block him I know he'll likely come find me because he's that type of person. Does anyone have any advice on how leave someone like this?

MrsELM21 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:22:54

Jeez OP, that's horrendous, you must leave. Sure you'll get loads of good advice on here how to go about it

DancingLedge Thu 30-Mar-17 22:24:34

Weekly checks? Allowed /not allowed to do things? He's got into your head, got you believing you 'shouldn't do perfectly normal things like dancing with someone, or sharing a hotel room with a friend?

For any one of these, let alone the violence, you need to run , run for the hills.

Mo55chop5 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:26:36

Your boyfriend is a piece of shit, dump him immediately

isthisevennormal Thu 30-Mar-17 22:39:09

As Ohyesiam there are people in worse situations than I am and they can get out. I just don't know how, I've never had to break up with someone after this long and definitely not in these sort of circumstances. Like I said earlier, if anyone has any advice on how to leave I would be very appreciative for you help.

Thank you so much to everyone's kind messages though, you've really helped build up my confidence up a little

newdaylight Thu 30-Mar-17 22:39:36

I sometimes work with people in abusive relationships. This is 100% one.

You should leave it out of respect for yourself but that will probably be hard. For starters I assume you have feelings for him in the first place and it's a hard thing to lay those down. However is important for your emotional and physical wellbeing.

Secondly if you try and leave the likelihood is he won't accept it. He may claim it as proof that you're sleeping with other people, he may try and make you think that you're nothing without him and that you need him, he may threaten you.

Therefore I'd suggest you consider speaking to someone you trust and telling them of your plans before you break up, so they can hold you to account and make sure you're safe. Think about popping into or ringing the local womans centre to get advice from them. If he has a key make sure locks are changed.

And if you do break up and he continues to visit unwanted or try and control you and does not listen do not hesitate to go to the police.

isthisevennormal Thu 30-Mar-17 22:48:07

newdaylight thank you that's really helpful. I think I'm going to tell my mum and/or my best friend about it all and how I want to break up. I feel like telling them will make it more definite and they won't let me stay. He doesn't know where my best friend lives thinking about it and she's offered to house me if I ever need to get away.

glassspider Thu 30-Mar-17 22:54:35

He is very abusive and will not change. Womens Aid should also help you get away - 0808 2000 247 xx

Moanyoldcow Thu 30-Mar-17 22:55:40

Please please leave him. He is abusing you horribly. As PP said, change your locks, tell him in no uncertain terms you don't want to be with him anymore and call the police if he comes over and won't leave. Good luck.

KindDogsTail Thu 30-Mar-17 23:02:52

I see how, if that was my friends relationship, I would call it abusive but I genuinely worry that how I've behaved during this relationship makes his behaviour acceptable.

I have not even read on to see what you say your behaviour is. I don't need to because nothing you have done could possibly make it reasonable to look through your phone for "weekly checks", or call you a "slag" etc. when he is in a bad mood.

That is definitely abusive. The fact that your friends have noticed too says a lot, because they know you well and they have the perspective of looking at your relationship from the outside.

StVincent Thu 30-Mar-17 23:11:34

Everything about him fairly screams "I am a pathetic, controlling, jealous, abusive, sadistic little shit" I'm afraid. Sorry 💐

You didn't make him that way. No doubt he was like that before you met him and he'll be like that afterwards. Wondering if it's your fault is like wondering if flu was nice before you caught it and it made you get the feverish shivers and throw up. No - you're just the victim.

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