Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling I'm being made out to be the cause of all of this

(16 Posts)
cantbloodywin Thu 30-Mar-17 21:58:54

So basically me and dp are at breaking point. I'm guessing he doesn't feel anything for me anymore because of the way he's acting towards me and the things he's saying but it's all coming down to the fact that he is fed up of me being depressed.

I am on tablets and yes I have been depressed after having my twin dd's but I've not been depressed like he's making out. I thought we were happy and there didn't seem to be a problem.

I've struggled with keeping the house in order but I do think it's only as bad as other new parents have it after having a baby. They are 20 months old now and I find getting things done a lot easier but I'm still extremely tired and fatigued and it's so hard somedays to get things done as much as I want to I feel trapped in my own mind and body just not being able to get up and do things.
The dinner is made and we have clean clothes and the house is clean but just untidy and there's lots of little bits that need doing like decorating and things.

He works so hard for us and often comes in starts walking around picking things up and washing dishes I've left as I'm genuinely exhausted.
I've explained to him how I feel and how I've told the doctor that it just doesn't feel normal to be this tired but all my tests have come back ok so it seems I'm just lazy sad

So he's talking about how hard it's been and he's not coping anymore and he's mentally done in!
I just can't understand as things have been so so good and I've genuinely been happy it's just been the exhaustion and then the odd day when I'm feel a bit crap but we've always laughed together and he's always been so kind to me, telling me to sit down and to concentrate on the kids and he will sort the dishes and whatever else as he doesn't mind! Even saying he doesn't envy my job as a mum over his job that requires sometimes long long days.

I just feel terrible not noticing that he was feeling like this and now it's probably too late. He was so supportive so I don't understand what has suddenly made him quickly change his mood so fast.

I know I've suffered from mental health and I really do sympathise with him and want to help him but I never imagined being this horrible and nasty towards him like he is being with me.

I'm feeling crushed to bits and I don't know what I'm going to do. We've always been so good together and genuinely spoke about growing old and everything. I'm in shock and just don't know what to do sad

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Thu 30-Mar-17 22:05:26

Well your house sounds a lot like mine except my DC are 7 & 5 so no, you're not lazy.
Something has changed if this is a sudden attitude he's developed, have you had a full & frank conversation? He may work but being at home with 2 small children is exhausting, being a mum is one of the hardest jobs-you rarely get days off either hmm

cantbloodywin Thu 30-Mar-17 22:30:16

He says he's just fed up of coming in from work and having to start again. He's by no means wanting the house to be perfect but then again it's not a health hazard either! I know of houses that have mouse droppings compared to a mysterious wet patch I find on the carpet that I then remember was where one of the twins peed and I forgot to go back to clean it up but by that I mean it was the first time that had ever happened! My house isn't covered in pee! It doesn't smell and people are happy to come round to a cuppa and even they say is not that bad. I have a mountain of washing to do because of countless sheets and duvet covers that take up washing and radiators all day somedays due to potty training. I go to other people's houses and find things there that makes me feel perfectly normal. I'm just wishing I could change it all and put it back together. I'm worried it's too late to try harder ....

Obsidian77 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:35:26

You don't need to try harder. You are not lazy. You are exhausted and this is completely understandable.
He needs an attitude change or to come up with a practical solution, like paying for a cleaner or a laundry service.
It's also perfectly understandable for him to be unhappy and struggling to cope but the two of you need a serious conversation about how, between the two of you, you can get through this.
Can you ask your HV or GP about support groups, both for your MH issues and dealing with multiples? flowers

cantbloodywin Thu 30-Mar-17 22:43:42

I've tried speaking to him and I've told him I wished he had explained before now so I could help change things and figure out how to make things easier on us. He replies with anger saying he's had almost 2 years of mental draining and he just can't do it anymore but it's so confusing as we weee genuinely so happy. I just don't get it.

Hermonie2016 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:46:13

I think he's being unrealistic as under 2s are very tough..most parents struggle still around 3 when nursery starts to kick in.

It's such a shame he has put the focus on negatives..what is not done rather than what has been achieved.
Could he be a bit depressed? Does he have time to indulge in hobbies?
Does he have supportive parents who would help him understand that parenting for the first few years is tough..most couples are in similar position as you.

Are you on ADs?

cantbloodywin Thu 30-Mar-17 22:50:55

I do think he's depressed and I'm terrified that is going to break us. I'm scared of the things he's saying as not only am I worried about the future but I'm sad that he feels he's never been happy and feels he's been taken advantage of. That's not the case as I've always been overly thankful for whatever he's helped me with. He's told me he can't talk about it right now and it's scaring me. He enjoys working more than being at home. I just feel my life is collapsing around me and I'm going to be known as the lazy bitch he finally got rid of

Graphista Thu 30-Mar-17 22:57:39

He's a twat! He comes home 'from work' and has to start again?

How long are your tea breaks? Do you get to relax on your commute? Where did you go for your relaxing lunch hour today? Oh what's that? You don't get any of those? AND you're working all night too? Yep thought so!

Get in touch with your local multiples groups for support, twins and more is bloody hard (none myself but have nannied twins and several family members have twins and tell me of the difficulties they've faced).

Get a cleaner, a laundry service, one night a week at least is takeaway night and tell him to button it unless he's gonna help more!

FritzDonovan Fri 31-Mar-17 01:14:54

He's definitely got unrealistic expectations of family life with small children. Chances are you are on your feet most of the day doings little jobs here there and everywhere, it's no wonder you're tired. Whereas I'd be willing to bet he gets a regular sit down (and relax!) tea break and lunch, and unless he is in a physically demanding job probably sits down more through the day than you anyway. All jobs should be shared when both partners are in the house, earning money shouldn't be his only contribution.

RogueBiscuit Fri 31-Mar-17 03:51:11

not only am I worried about the future but I'm sad that he feels he's never been happy
He enjoys working more than being at home
He was so supportive so I don't understand what has suddenly made him quickly change his mood so fast

I hate to say it but the has never been happy thing rings alarm bells. It sounds like the rewriting history shit that cheaters typically employ. That, along with him being angry and nasty to you suddenly would have me worried there is another reason he enjoys being at work.

When did this behaviour start op?

BantyCustards Fri 31-Mar-17 04:27:24

He's an entitled, twatty manchild. I had one of these - felt he was 'doing me a favour' when he came in from work and 'started again'. It only got worse.

He lacks empathy.

DoubleCarrick Fri 31-Mar-17 04:39:49

I get where he's coming from in some ways - my husband gets home from work and the mayhem continues. We have the dog to walk, the baby to sort, dinner to cook and that's before any of us do the jobs in couldn't get done that day. It's relentless and doesn't stop.

Problem is, your dh shouldn't be complaining as it's just life with kids.

endofthelinefinally Fri 31-Mar-17 05:05:30

Just a small point. 20 months is very early for potty training. Maybe wait a bit till the summer then the dc can play outside and any accidents will be in the garden.
Your H is being very unfair. Does he ever look after the twins on his own for a day or two. If not he has no right to criticise.
I also wondered if he might be cheating. Sorry.

Expat38matt Fri 31-Mar-17 06:04:38

Firstly I applaud you for managing twins as I could barely manage one baby!
I don't agree that he's a twat although some of his behaviour is twatty
It sounds like you've totally disconnected and neither of you can understand each other
From what you say you do pretty much all the household stuff including looking after two kids ? He works really hard and long hours ? Do you feel bad that he has the pressure of being the sole breadwinner ?
I think I was in a similar place with a DH that maybe neither of us fully understood that my staying home , doing laundry, grocery shopping etc meant that he was able to maintain his full time stressful job and not have to worry about anything at all aside from that. But It lead to me feeling guilty if he came home and took up any slack re childcare for example since "he'd had a long hard day in the office and that was my job". By the way that came from me and not him

As you've said he does offer to take over the kids to give you a break. Perhaps he feels a bit resentful after a long day at work feeling like he "has" to do that? Or maybe it's you feel guilty taking him up on his offer ? Don't forget that means he gets time with his kids too!
I'm not justifying him don't get me wrong but just saying maybe it's a disconnect and you're misunderstanding each other which causes tension ?

In the end I told my DH that he had to send out his work shirts to the dry cleaner as I wasn't going to stand and iron them and i hired a cleaner every 2 weeks so I wasn't constantly feeling like my house was filthy and when was I going to do it
In the meantime I was ignoring my kids to get chores done.

I just think you need to sit down and both be really honest about sharing the load. My DH told me it scared him to be the sole breadwinner when at the same time I was resentful feeling like the domestic helper

You can find a happy balance and I wish you luck

Dozer Fri 31-Mar-17 06:14:39

You are not lazy! You have twin toddlers! The fatigue of babies and toddlers can be crushing.

What proportion of domestic work and night wakings with the DC does he do? Suspect it's not a fair share.

If you're not married returning to work asap would be financially sensible, unless you have financial assets.

It sounds like he has made a decision to leave, and is self justifying because leaving your partner with twins of that age is a shitty thing to do. And yes, he may have an OW or be seeking one. Sounds like he plans for you to continue to do the lion's share of parenting while he lives a different life.

I would respect his decision and make plans to separate: be practical in making the best of things for you with housing etc. and let him face the reality. Don't blame yourself and don't play the "pick me dance".

margaritasbythesea Fri 31-Mar-17 06:20:37

Good post expat38

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: