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This "friend" is being a bit shit, yes?

(24 Posts)
Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:32:56

In my head, I have now written off this friend. But, I actually feel quite angry, and would love an outside perspective.

We are 300 miles apart now. Have been for 14 years. Prior to this, we were very close. Saw each other most days, for 20 years. Looked after each others kids. I am godmum to her DD, she is godmum to one of mine.

9 years ago, my long term marriage broke down. She was of zero support : didn't so much as call me once.

I married my new DH a few years ago, and they attended and her DD was a bridesmaid. She'd never been a bridesmaid before and I know she loved it.

I keep in contact with her DD. She doesn't message mine.

Key events, like my 2 going to Uni (empty nest now), I've had no message from her asking how I am with that. I know I would have done that for her (her DD goes later this year)

Fast forward to last month, and my lovely dog had to be PTS. I was (and still am) devastated. I posted a short message on Facebook about the dog, as I thought this was less upsetting than having to tell everyone face to face and re-count the whole story several times (I have a huge customer base, and they would all ask "where is the dog?") Lots of supportive comments from friends and customers, which was lovely. She will have seen this post. No comment from her. No private message.

Cut to a few days ago, and she posts that they have had to get their cat PTS. I take the high ground and post a lovely message on her post, saying how very sorry I am, and that I know how she must be feeling, having just had our dog PTS. What does she do? Likes the comment. No message. No Reply. Just "likes" the comment. What....you like that my dog died?

I am just so annoyed at this total lack of empathy. It's the final straw.

I realise that I sound like a petulant teenager. But FFS, how much lack of care does it take to just fucking kill a friendship? I am so done!

Normandy Thu 30-Mar-17 21:35:31

"Liking" the comment I'm sure isn't because she likes that your dog died, just acknowledging your support.

Not to discount that the friendship sounds pretty one sided at this point, but you do sound like a petulant teenager when the final straw is a Facebook like.

AtrociousCircumstance Thu 30-Mar-17 21:35:49

Sounds like the friendship is over. She's giving you nothing. It's sad, and almost hard to believe when a friendship has such longevity but when it's done, it's done.

Some people are very self-absorbed.

AtrociousCircumstance Thu 30-Mar-17 21:36:27

And I don't think you sound like a petulant teenager - any little thing can trigger a realisation.

WinterRose92 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:38:15

I don't blame you. She sounds very inconsiderate, I'd be so upset if my friends treated me like this. Yes, your 'friend' is being very shit! I'd have washed my hands of her.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog flowers

CoolJazz Thu 30-Mar-17 21:39:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nympthinyellow Thu 30-Mar-17 21:41:20

May not be relevant to the thread but the loss of a dog is (IMO) a big deal, they're members of your family, don't let anyone belittle that or take away from the pain you're feeling. So yeah, not a true friend I'm afraid, never mind the other stuff. And I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

TheLegendOfBeans Thu 30-Mar-17 21:41:54

You don't sound like a petulant teenager, that's all I have to say. Any friendship fall-out or weirdness always looks like a playground tussle when written down but this is real and your hurting.

So YANBU; you're hurting. Is it worth dropping her an email? Not confrontational but more like a catch up bulletin? Z

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:43:29

Thanks guys. Yeh, I don't think she "likes" that my dog died, it's just the total lack of bloody effort on her part. I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt (maybe she didn't see my post about the dog)....only to have this happen. She just doesn't give a shit obviously. :-(

Winniethepooer Thu 30-Mar-17 21:48:36

Im sorry about your dog.

I think you haven't really took your friends hint that your not close friends anymore.

Its difficult but i would move on. Concentrate on your current friends.

CoolJazz Thu 30-Mar-17 21:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateAntaia Thu 30-Mar-17 21:49:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:51:53

I'm not going to e-mail her. The last one I sent (with dates we were free for them to visit) went unanswered. Unfortunately, she became a different person when her DD was born 18 years ago. She used to be lovely and so much fun. Now all she cares about (literally) is her DD. Can't talk one sentence without her name in it. It's so very odd. When I got married a few years ago, and her DD was bridesmaid, all she talked about was how gorgeous she looked, how long her legs were confused and how short my DD was (5 ft 2). When we were getting ready in my room, she had a big closhe delivered with an Al-a-carte meal for her DD. Never once asked me shit about anything about how I was feeling. Ahhhhh. So done!

Reow Thu 30-Mar-17 21:52:38

Sorry about your pup OP flowers

WinterRose92 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:08:35

Yeah, just move on and it'll feel like a weight has been lifted!

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:20:02

Thanks all. Gosh, I do miss the dog! She was one of a kind. I expect we all think that. Black and white Husky with Blue eyes. Bloody gorgeous. And soft as anything.

EssentialHummus Thu 30-Mar-17 22:24:29

Keep up your relationship with your god-daughter if you like, but don't engage more with the mum - wait for her to be in touch (if ever).

EssentialHummus Thu 30-Mar-17 22:24:51

I'm sorry about your dog flowers.

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:31:01

Thanks Hummus. I miss the dog a lot :-( She was so majestic. Now all we have is her ashes

Kleptronic Thu 30-Mar-17 22:43:25

Oh Huskylover1 flowers you have her in your heart.

mumofthemonsters808 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:54:16

.Your dog was part of your family and yet she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge your hurt and pain, I think that's awful.Her liking your comment on her cats death, was just an easy, hassle free response, she can't be arsed to give you anything more. Your child leaving for Uni, a major thing, yet no involvement again. Her behaviour is giving you a good indication of how much of a priority you are, she doesn't even seem engaged in your life, so stop being tuned into hers, leave her be.

I'm so sorry about your dog, I bet you're heart broken, it's not easy to deal with, take comfort in the fact that he had a wonderful life with your family and you have many wonderful memories of an amazing animal, it was just his time.

RedastheRose Thu 30-Mar-17 22:55:05

Sorry about your dog. They are members of your family and mourned as such. Your friend frankly is no longer your friend. She has given up on your friendship a long time ago. You are clearly more loyal to the old friend that she was but it's time to accept that this friendship is over. There is a saying 'friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime' the last ones are rare. It sounds like she was the second sort but that time has passed.

Ampersand22 Fri 31-Mar-17 07:00:51

I don't think you sound like a petulant teenager at all. It sounds like the support was all very one-sided and she wasn't there for you when you needed her. FWIW I had to let go a 30 year friendship recently for the same reasons. I attended both her parents funerals and travelled long distance to get there, but when I became estranged from my parents and had a breakdown she was nowhere to be found.

It had been like that for years, and then when she messed me around 2 weeks before my wedding, not responding to plans we had made to meet up, I saw the light and told her not to bother coming since she hadn't even made the effort to visit in 2 years and didn't know my fiance at all. I don't miss her, she was a bitch to me, judgey as fuck about my life choices all the time, no support.

Your friends sounds like a cow. Don't guilt yourself now, ok?

Chops2016 Fri 31-Mar-17 08:27:35

I think the whole Facebook 'like' thing is a bit childish and you're reading too much into it.. she may not have seen your post and there's nothing wrong with her not writing out a response to your reply on hers- she's going through a painful time (as you are with your dog) and probably doesn't feel like talking about it When my dearly beloved cat was put to sleep a few months ago I didn't tailor a response to every reply I got on fb... I just 'liked' them to acknowledge their thoughts but didn't want to talk more about it. If I knew people were over analysing and thinking I'm a shit friend for that I'd have been mortified.

The rest of the things you describe- yes she does sound like she's checked out of the friendship.

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