Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I feel so guilty

(41 Posts)
Honeyandchamomile Thu 30-Mar-17 21:21:23

I'm sorry as I have already posted about things with my Dh a few times before (sometimes under different names), I just feel so alone.

I feel as though Dh can be controlling and emotionally abusive, and have recently been trying to be strong and question things. I have tried this evening, but Dh says I've got it in my head he's some kind of slime ball, when he's really a good man.

I feel so guilty. He's so upset and not talking to me. I'm wondering, perhaps I have got it wrong. I can be sensitive, and maybe I'm over thinking things and seeing things that aren't really there. He is a good man. He loves me, and takes care of dd and I. I wish things weren't this way. I wish I hadn't started confiding in family, as what I've told them cannot be un-told.

I want us to be happy. I love Dh so much, but I feel we are both getting upset right now which I hate. I hate knowing that I have caused us to feel this way.

I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm writing this, or what response I'm expecting. I just needed to write down how I am feeling. Thank you.

BifsWif Thu 30-Mar-17 21:43:47

He sounds like he is emotionally abusive.

What have your family said? Have you considered leaving him?

AtrociousCircumstance Thu 30-Mar-17 21:46:54

Is he the one who tries to make out your five year old DD is 'manipulative' and causing all your problems?

Honeyandchamomile Thu 30-Mar-17 22:01:37

Atrocious - nope that's not me.

I really don't know what to do. I love him so much, I just can't go on this way. I have tried speaking to him about how I feel, but he said I put too much importance on feelings. Maybe I do. I tried giving examples of things I've not been happy with in the past, but he said what's the point in bringing things up that have already happened. I don't know any more.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:05:29

Hey

Give us examples of his behaviour and we can help you clarify things

You bring stuff up because it upset you and you are free and entitled to do so

If you think he's unpleasant at times then it's highly likely he is. Don't doubt yourself

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:06:30

From your post, there isn't enough info for us to say whether he is or isn't abusive?

bobs123 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:12:39

Hmmm..from experience it is obvious you are not happy, but are not sure why, and whether you are over reacting. I suggest every time you feel "down" you write it down, either with or without an explanation. Date it too. As time goes on things might become clearer and you might get your answers. It might take years, but MN can help too!

Honeyandchamomile Thu 30-Mar-17 22:21:10

Thank you everyone. I have written here before, the last time only a few days ago, and had wonderful support.

Things such as isolating me from family, not letting me go the the Dr after suspected pnd, reading messages to family and re-writing them 'for me', and lots more. We also had an apparent misunderstanding a few days ago - where he wanted to be intimate but I didn't want to, I had to say no too many times.

I just never dreamt of this for my life. There has always been this element to our relationship, I think, I just wish it hadn't started bothering me as much as it does now. I want to feel free, but with dh by my side supporting this. He says he does, but I don't feel that way.

Honeyandchamomile Thu 30-Mar-17 22:22:15

That's a good idea about writing things down, thank you.

Strigoi Thu 30-Mar-17 22:26:59

You're the poster with the religious DH and the other day he tried to force you into sex. I've seen your other threads.

Look, this is going to sound unsympathetic, and I genuinely don't mean it to, but your DH is abusive and no matter how many threads you start, you're going to get the same answer. Him being religious and occasionally not a shit doesn't mean he is less abusive. Don't put up with this. You are better than that.

Honeyandchamomile Thu 30-Mar-17 22:30:55

I know you're right strigoi, I'm just working through so many conflicting feelings. I hate this, and so wish things were different. I don't even know what I'm expecting anyone to say anymore.

user1471471849 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:43:31

I feel I should help you but don't know if I can. It sounds to me like everything is made out to be your fault. It sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Major alarm bells going off here as I've seen this relationship up close ( not me but a close relative) and know how everything can be twisted to make you feel like you've done something wrong when you are perfectly entitled to your feelings and to express your feelings. It sounds like he's not listening to you, not acknowledging your feelings, not acknowledging your right to react to the situations you are in or taking ownership for his part in causing upset.
In short, he sounds like a complete twat (I can think of a lot harsher things but am holding back) and I would run a mile.

You are not at fault for being upset if something upsets you. You haven't got it wrong, he's just messing with your head. You certainly haven't 'caused us to feel this way'. In a normal relationship, if something upsets you you should be able to say so and talk it out with your partner, but instead he acts all upset and doesn't speak to you.. how immature and controlling.

My guess is, he will act like this until you are convinced that it's your fault, you will apologise and feel terrible, he will come around and you'll feel grateful for his affection, things will be ok for a while. Then he will do something again that's unacceptable/hurtful and make you feel like you're in the wrong to get upset at his actions. And so the cycle will continue. He won't change.

Does this pattern sound familiar to you or am I off the mark? My only advice is what I told my relative which was that he won't change and just to leave him. In fact, 2 relatives were in this situation. Neither left unfortunately but they are still unhappy and constantly doubting themselves and suffering low self esteem. Only you know what is right for you but don't doubt yourself and don't allow him to tell you what you can and can't feel. Is there anyone in your family you can talk to to get a good perspective on things? Hope you're ok.

Naicehamshop Thu 30-Mar-17 22:51:28

I have seen a couple of your previous threads. You sound like a lovely person, and your dh sounds vile; emotionally and physically abusive, and totally controlling.

I know it's incredibly difficult to leave a long term relationship, but please keep questioning and posting on here. You will get there in the end. flowers

user1471471849 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:55:19

I'm just going on my experience with my two relatives in a similar situation and hoping that their experience might help you: another part of their relationship was that they justified staying with their abusive partners because 'they weren't all bad and had some good points'. Sure even hitler had good points in my opinion! No reason to stay with someone. Another aspect was that after particularly bad behaviour there would be some grand gesture made, like jewellery bought or a nice holiday so the woman would think maybe I've got it wrong, maybe he is a nice guy and they'd forget about the bad times for a while until it happened again. I haven't read your other posts but I think fromjust what you've written here that this is the kind of relationship you're in. If so, it's not normal.

springydaffs Thu 30-Mar-17 23:02:47

Perhaps get on the Freedom Programme to work out once and for all what's going on with your husband. It's a wonderful course and you will get first class support all the way, regardless what the outcome is.

Honeyandchamomile Thu 30-Mar-17 23:20:26

Thank you so much, it's lovely how kind complete strangers can be. I called women's aid the other day, and they've put me in touch with a local service - I'm just waiting for a call back.

It absolutely goes in cycles, something I've recently learnt about. But whenever things are going well and we are happy, I convince myself everything is perfect and it won't happen again. It always does.

I try to speak to dh about it, but just seem to end up apologising and feeling like I'm the one with the problem. That then makes me doubt everything. I'm just working through my feelings right now, as I feel so lost.

I just keep fighting feelings of disloyalty to dh, in secretly speaking about this.

anxiousnow Thu 30-Mar-17 23:35:39

Op you are not being disloyal. I haven't read your previous threads but if he is as abusive as pp states then you don't owe him loyalty. If you are thinking of vows, no where does it say to keep secret abusive behaviour or to put up with it. Also this is an anonymous forum. No come back for your DH. You are not outing him in anyway. Please continue to talk OP, you are doing nothing wrong.

springydaffs Fri 31-Mar-17 00:10:50

Sounds like you're experiencing FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

Once you get going with Womens Aid - who will recommend you do the Freedom Programme btw - the FOG will begin to lift flowers

Honeyandchamomile Fri 31-Mar-17 10:52:59

Thank you, I will look into the fear, obligation, guilt thing as well.

I have spoken to my mum on the phone, just speaking about it more is hard but I know the best thing.

Adora10 Fri 31-Mar-17 10:56:44

You are being abused OP; no matter how nice you paint the picture you will have to one day face that; I don't think you are there yet but I hope the comments here help speed that up because you are putting yourself in a very precarious situation with a man who is basically not right in the head.

Naicehamshop Fri 31-Mar-17 14:58:22

Yes, unfortunately this type of behaviour will probably get worse and worse as he starts to ramp up the pressure on you.

Keep thinking, keep talking to your mum and sister and don't feel guilty - he is the one who should feel guilty!

NearlyFree17 Fri 31-Mar-17 15:09:23

Oh OP I have been there too. My ex was exactly like this. Whenever I dared to get annoyed or angry about his horrible behaviour he would twist it so that I would end up apologising for hurting his feelings. It was a complete mindfuck and Im still struggling to get free of it.

Jaysis Fri 31-Mar-17 16:27:02

He wears his religion as 'proof' he's actually a nice man.

The world over, religious people do terrible things and very often hide behind their religion to justify what they do.

It is wrong. He is wrong.

Things such as isolating me from family, not letting me go the the Dr after suspected pnd, reading messages to family and re-writing them 'for me', and lots more. We also had an apparent misunderstanding a few days ago - where he wanted to be intimate but I didn't want to, I had to say no too many times.

Even these, this handful of examples you give off the top of your head, are abusive as stand-alone actions, and together absolutely add up to patterns of abusive behaviour.

Listen to your gut. Listen to the wise women here. He's not a good man.

Honeyandchamomile Fri 31-Mar-17 20:26:53

Thank you everyone, so much.

I tried to speak to Dh about what happened last Sunday (pretty much sexual assault I now know), but he told me he could see the manipulation on my face and said I was being controlling. I'm really not. I just wanted to speak about how I was feeling since that happened, and hoping he would see and things could get better, but he just won't.

I feel so broken, so lost. I am trying to make things work, but he said I'm trying to change him.

Strigoi Fri 31-Mar-17 22:45:50

That's because you have told him what he is and he doesn't like it, so he puts the blame on you.

TBH, you're well past the talking and trying to get him to understand stage. He does understand. He knows he is abusive. He. Does. Not. Care.

Do you want to be still posting these threads in 5, 10, 20 years time? I doubt it. Please start leaving this shit. You deserve better.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now