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Feels like DH doesn't care

(15 Posts)
FlyingJellyfish Thu 30-Mar-17 21:19:39

About me at all in every aspect. Eg we are supposed to give eachother a few hours a week alone so we each have some time away from DD (no family nearby). DH sets his each week for dancing whereas I do mine at some point over weekend. Last few weeks whenever it's my time to have a break he doesn't take care of DD so I jump in. I always ensure he has enough time out.

I also help make sure he has enough 1:1 with DSS by doing nursery drop offs with DD and creating time. DH never gives me time to do things I need. I ask for him to listen out for baby when she asleep so I can do my studies and he doesn't so haven't done any in weeks.

He is on PL and I am working. I said he needs to help keep on top of things like washing and food shop. He won't. I understand once in a while if DD needs lots of attention but he has time for TV. If I do get any free time I catch up on jobs that have been left.

He stays up until 1am watching TV and I sleep at 9pm. This is a vicious cycle because he is sleeping so late he is too tired so I start morning routine when DD wakes up at 6-7 hence why I sleep early I'm shattered.

He always puts his ex wife first. Due to this he did something really shitty 2 years ago, I don't want to say what but basically it broke the trust we had and he allowed his ex free reign of our life together. Trust takes time to rebuild and he has made no effort to start. He says he doesn't see the big deal, there's no issue.

He never holds me or hugs or kisses me. I only get physical interaction when he wants sex.

I've only had one proper bday and xmas present and we've been together 3.5 years.

We have argued for months. We had big talk a few days ago and I told him he never once considers my feelings and it's all about him.

Also he goes out of his way for our son and with our daughter he doesn't do anything. She's 11 months old so not into the same things SH and his son are but she still needs his time. I said it feels like he prefers his son over our daughter. He said all parents have a favourite.

I always do thoughtful things and go out of my way to make sure he and his son and our daughter get what they need. Killing myself with overtime as he is on unpaid PL and I'm drained.

He said he gets complacent but still no effort to even tell me he loves me.

LostSight Thu 30-Mar-17 22:04:40

My first thought was to wonder why you were still with him. If he is full time carer, I guess it might complicate things. I'm no expert on that. Hopefully someone else will advise you.

The other thing I thought though, was that you should just go out when it's your 'me' time. If he knows you will give in, he won't step up. I'd even find somewhere else to study, if necessary.

He sounds like an arsehole.

LostSight Thu 30-Mar-17 22:07:50

Oh and no decent parent has a favourite. As soon as your daughter is old enough to notice, he will be damaging her. I really think you need to look at how you can extract yourself from this unhealthy relationship.

category12 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:12:42

If you're staying with him, go out when it's your turn to have free time. Don't ask, just go. Study elsewhere. Stop filling all your freetime with the things he doesn't do and resenting him for it.

I'm not sure why you're staying with him, tho. he doesn't show he loves you, he doesn't even say it. I don't think he does love you. He also straight out admits he prefers one child over the other. Do yourself a favour and ditch him. You're already doing the lion's share of the work, might as well ditch the dead weight and not have the resentment of a perfectly capable adult letting you do everything.

Naicehamshop Thu 30-Mar-17 22:18:56

His comment about having a favourite child is horrible. sad

FlyingJellyfish Thu 30-Mar-17 22:22:46

I know he is awful for saying favourites. My stepson is a good boy but he drops us to do what his son wants. I have to beg him to take dd out. We both work and split maternity leave.

FritzDonovan Fri 31-Mar-17 00:00:22

You're right. He doesn't care enough to consider you and your needs from the sound of it. He's also lazy, if he's on PL and not keeping on top of laundry etc.
Stop making life easy for him (why isn't he doing drop off's?) and make it clear what his responsibilities are. If he doesn't make an effort to pull his weight there is really no future in which you will be happy with him.
BTW, if you're still shattered after 9 hours of sleep I suspect there is something else contributing to this - depression /stress/poor nutrition? Might be worth checking out.

FlyingJellyfish Fri 31-Mar-17 08:42:05

I said I'd do nursery pick ups. I pass the nursery on my way home from work so it's 30 min to leave work, pick her up and come home. His son's school is near his mum's so I said he and his son should make the most of time together and go out for a couple of hours. If he picks her up it means they get an hour 1:1 before trying to miss rush hour traffic back to the nursery. My suggestion completely as was trying to consider him.

He doesn't do the serious bits of parenting with his son and I have to carry him with that which I find uncomfortable due to issues in the past with his ex.

I do have health issues that makes the tiredness worse.

We've talked so many times but he tunes out as it's another nag. If he listened I wouldn't have to ask repeatedly.

I always ask if he needs me to work on things. He asked about one thing and I did it straightaway.

FritzDonovan Fri 31-Mar-17 11:04:59

You're letting yourself be taken for granted if you carry on. Stop considering his feelings. You said he doesn't consider yours.

category12 Fri 31-Mar-17 11:08:54

So why are you with him?

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic Fri 31-Mar-17 13:10:41

We talked a couple of days ago and I said again last night that whilst some of the bigger issues take time he isn't even making the first step!

He has been acting better today though, I have decided to give one month to,see if he is making steps to change. Then at least I know I've tried.

category12 Fri 31-Mar-17 15:07:40

You have given it two years since he broke your trust, and he makes no effort in that time. I think you have tried. But as long as you have something in mind.

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic Fri 31-Mar-17 20:54:54

I figured give a month as he is still on PL and I don't want to live away from my DD 5 days a week so figured one more month to see if things change?

category12 Fri 31-Mar-17 21:41:06

Check out the legalities. I doubt very much he would achieve resident parent. He'd probably threaten you with it - but the child is 11 months old, you split the leave, you do nursery pickups and do the majority while he's just a body.

Plus he's too fucking lazy to actually want residency.

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic Sat 01-Apr-17 11:35:13

I don't think DH would ever go for residency and would be happy with JC but I will definitely check everything out as you can never be too careful.

He does a few things in house eg we converting the attic so when I'm off I do the house and he does work on that but I have to ask him to do it. I think if it's a job he likes there's no issue getting him to do it but he doesn't seem to understand that between the normal day to day running of house plus the extra work we are doing it's exhausting for both of us and I need time out too.

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