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I'm lost, please help(13 Posts)
First time poster, long time lurker. I've been married for 10 years with 3 children. About 2 months ago I began an emotional affair with a man who is also married. It was a case of infatuation on both our parts, with both of us really enjoying each other's company. It turned physical both never progressed to full sex. It ended about two weeks ago with both of us agreeing it could never go anywhere. Since it finished I've been racked with guilt and confessed it all to my husband two nights ago, I thought I was doing the right thing, giving him the choice of whether he wanted to stay with me or not. We talked it over and over and he at the moment seems happy to stay together and try to make it work. However after the initial relief that he was so understanding I'm struggling with the fact that I don't know if I want to stay with him. Even though I was happy before I met the other man I feel he opened my eyes to a new world and feelings that I haven't felt in years and now I just feel depressed at the thought of having to say put and make my marriage work and more guilt since my husband has been so understanding. Any advice appreciated.
Right now your DH is in shock, and is probably desperate to maintain the status quo because it all feels a bit unreal that feels like the best option. This is likely to change when reality hits him, which it will do, soon.
For there to be any chance of saving your marriage you need to commit to him fully, and basically jump through hoops to show that you are sorry, you love him, and will do anything to make your marriage work. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near that mindset, in which case the best thing for you to do is separate.
I reconciled with my DH after his affair, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. There are days when I regret putting myself through the wringer like this, but others when I feel it was the right decision. Not out of the woods by any means yet, but I certainly wouldn't have stayed this long had he felt like you do.
OP maybe it is because you seem to have got away with it. Think back to the guilt ridden confession. Did you really want your H to forgive you or was it really a way for him to end the relationship for you. I agree with PP that although your H wants to hold on for now, this may change. The affair wasn't a reflection of a true relationship. You know that. The excitement of sneaking around and new attention gave you a buzz, a long term relationship with the OM wouldn't continue like that. Get some counselling. Please don't sTring along your H though, he needs you to commit to healing the relationship or set him free.
Don't lose yourself in the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. Feelings of lust and giddiness don't last. They are merely chemical reactions to something shiny and new. Real love is built over the years. You had better think long and hard and then think again before you throw your marriage away for some girlish fantasy.
Did the OM really open your eyes to 'a new world ', or was it the same feelings as when you initially got together with your OH? It sounds as if you are wanting to recreate the feelings of youthful new relationships - how is this ever going to work and be sustainable now you are responsible for the well-being of 3 children? Grow up for goodness sake.
You don't appear to dislike your DP and you haven't said he mistreats you. If he bores you to tears do something about it, maybe you have stopped putting effort in?
Oh, and well done for stopping short of full sex with OM.
Were you you happy with your DH before the affair? If so, then you should work your butt off towards moving on together. If not, then this may be your 'transition affair'. I had one. I can never excuse it. It highlighted the shell my marriage had become, and we split, at my instigation. We are both much happier as a result, and I'm now with someone who is much better for me. He now has a boyfriend!
Thank you for your replies. Maybe your all right in that when I told him I was expecting him to react differently, to throw me out, to shout at me. He did none of those things only blamed himself for allowing the marriage to go stale. Before the affair I wasn't unhappy maybe just a bit bored with life. I know the right thing to do is fully commit to rebuilding my marriage even though my hearts not in it. I suppose I'll have to fake it till I make it. I don't know if I can just accept the fact though that life has to be stale with nothing to really look forward to, the om gave me a feeling of excitement and where as I know things wouldn't have worked out with him I miss that, I wish I'd never met him though and he'd never brought these feelings to the surface.
Tbh you sound like the lack of drama when you revealed your affair has disappointed you.
Did you expect him to rage and show passion? Fight for you?
His reaction has thrown you and i agree with pp its probably shock.
But why would you want him to do the 'pick me dance'?
I think you told him, partly, to bring some drama into your marriage.
Do you know what? Life is boring. Especially when married a few years and have kids. So much needs doing, wants often get forgotten. The only people who can make your life more exciting are you and dh. But you have to work together.
If you and OM decided to be together, that would get boring too. Thats life.
If your marriagr is stale, its you and your husbands responsibility. Not his. I hope you put him straight on this, that its not all him.
You are to blame for your affair. Not him. Dont let him pile this on to himself.
I don't think I told him to bring drama, I did tell him to ease my guilt though and because I constantly read on here when people are having affairs that the right thing to do is to tell their partner so they can make an informed decision. So that's what I did. I don't know what reaction I was expecting exactly and it's not that my husband is saying pick me, there is no one else now, so I pick him or choose to be single.
The excitement I felt with the om was completely different to how I felt on meeting my husband at the beginning. If I understand what everyone is saying to me correctly than the general gist is that I should just suck it up and get on with it. Whilst I agree with that to a certain level half of me thinks fuck it why should I don't I deserve more than this. I know u all think I'm a selfish cheating whatever but I can't help how I feel right now and at least saying it on here means I'm not saying it to my husband.
I meant to add that of course I told my husband the affair wasn't his fault but more to do with my own issues however he doesn't seem to believe me.
OP please consider going to see a relationship counsellor with your DH to help you work through this and decide whether to stay married.
Warning-this board is not a good place to seek support for someone in your position. You will get lots of hysterical posts telling you that you are evil which will just make you feel
You should leave your husband.
you are going to spend the rest of your life chasing a dream of this giddy excitement that is just not real life, but I think you need to do that.
You are not going to listen to anyone else. You might make the right noises and nod your head but deep down you would cheat again because you think there is some teenage like giddy romance for you that your missing out on. It really does seem like your looking for your Mr Darcy to sweep you off your feet, the strong bullish man only you can change. It's a little mid life crisis isn't it?
It's not real life, Mr Darcy still picks his noise and takes a shit.
You sound very immature and lacking any prospective on what life is and how real people behave.
I think it's really sad that if you start down this path you are going to end up very sad and lonely with your self esteem in tatters and absolute carnage in your wake.
Whilst I agree with that to a certain level half of me thinks fuck it why should I don't I deserve more than this.
No. Why do you?
If you're looking for a life of constant excitement and thrills, by all means abandon your DH and kids. Then see what you deserve.
If you think you deserve more, work on making life more exciting with your family. Or leave and be a serial mistress...your choice. You sound immensely shallow.
Of course the thrill you got meeting OM was different - it was a sneaky illicit affair, guaranteed to get the adrenalin going. By comparison, I assume you were single and available when you met dh. Also not stuck in a boring rut at home, which you desperately wanted saving from. Apparently.
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