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Not in love anymore...

(20 Posts)
rackhampearl Thu 30-Mar-17 20:56:15

Have you ever gone through a period when you have felt like you don't love your DH/DW anymore and then things have change for the better? I have been married 7 years now, 2 DC and just lately have been feeling a lot happier when DH works away. We annoy each other, he says he's in love with me still but I don't feel like I am in love anymore. Anyone hit a rough patch and then got that spark back? I'm not sure if this is the end 

mymymytime Thu 30-Mar-17 21:00:34

Don't most marriages go through these periods. You don't have to be 'in love" all the time

rackhampearl Thu 30-Mar-17 21:02:41

Yes that's what I'm asking. Is it just a phase? I'm only 26 and been married most of my adult life so just wanting other people's opinions really. I've never felt like I don't love him before so just wondering if that's normal and will pass.

Huskylover1 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:08:49

Maybe it's the hum-drum of having young children?

I eventually felt like this about my first H, but that was after learning he cheated on me alot

I can be mad as HELL with my now DH (I have a bit of a temper), but always know deep down that I do love him.

I hate to ask, but are you intimate? Because nothing will send a marriage down the tubes faster than a lack of sex.

rackhampearl Thu 30-Mar-17 21:13:02

Thank you Husky

Yes we are intimate, we have sex a few times a week which is good considering he works hard travelling around and I have our DC (SAHM) I do really like him and care for him loads but just lately I feel like i would rather be on my own and can't see a future with him any longer. It's a horrible feeling really, I don't know why I'm thinking it.

Chipshopninja Thu 30-Mar-17 23:57:10

I feel the same op (except we don't have sex)

Happier when he's not in the house, feel like I would be better on my own. I love him but I'm not in love with him.

I finally got up the nerve to tell him and he was devastated. He said he is not ready to give up on us and will do anything he can to keep us together and he will change (but I've tried to tell him this isn't his fault)

I've agreed to give us another chance but deep down Im worried I'll never feel in love again

Hugs to you I know how horrible this is

rackhampearl Fri 31-Mar-17 08:47:03

Thank you Chips

It's just the worst feeling isn't it? I don't want to hurt DH but I'm rather miserable when we are together and I have to 'pretend' I know it sounds selfish but I am not the same person I was when I married in. In terms of personality he's a lot like Mr Grey (bear with me) He is well known and feared respected where we live but I know that people don't actually like him they are just intimidated by him. He is lavish with gifts and very protective of him, he only wants the best for me organic foods, no smoking and drinking etc. This is all well and good but it has alienated my family over the years as they like a good party and lead modest lives in terms of income. I am exhausted from trying to be the pace keeper between DH and my family who are a tad resentful of him. We have moved away from family too so I barely see them. He his really strict with our DD and I always have to step in, I get the last say don't get me wrong but not before a huge argument and I'm all the arseholes in the world for undermining him I front of the DDs ... I just feel it's wearing a little thing. I feel like a woman now and I don't want a man controlling any aspect of my life, I want a partner. However, he's not a bad guy and I don't want to break up my family if it's just a phase and I'm gonna feel like I love him again in a month or two. Marriage is a complicated thing. I just wanted some other perspectives.

rackhampearl Fri 31-Mar-17 08:48:52

Apologies for typos, I had a restless night sad

Destinysdaughter Fri 31-Mar-17 08:52:42

I'm not surprised you're not happy, he sounds v controlling. Do you feel safe, has he got a temper?

Chipshopninja Fri 31-Mar-17 09:18:33

He sounds very controlling to me too! flowers

rackhampearl Fri 31-Mar-17 09:19:12

He has a horrible temper but only when he feels he's been spoken to like 'shit'
His family all know what he's like and they're quite intimidated by him too. His parents love me cos I call him out on his bullshit but it's always very toxic when I do. He has been physical on several occasion and even at his Mums house. His mum didn't get involved but later told him her shouldn't hit women hmm It's hard because he's so loving too, he acts like he worships me a lot of the time. I am so confused. Everyone tells me that it isn't a healthy relationship but I feel like he hasn't done anything really wrong. My head is like a dropped lasagne.

Destinysdaughter Fri 31-Mar-17 09:46:20

So he hits you? Oh love, you are in an abusive relationship, no wonder you don't love him.

Destinysdaughter Fri 31-Mar-17 09:49:55

Read this about the cycle of abuse,does it look familiar?

lifeissweet Fri 31-Mar-17 09:50:26

I think it is a good thing that you have fallen out of love with this man.

The love is what keeps people in relationships with men who abuse them - and that is what he does.

Now you don't have that emotional tie to him anymore it will be easier to recognise him for who he is and leave.

I'm not saying it's easy - and he sounds very intimidating and possibly dangerous, so I suggest to get some support with this.

And - on a different subject entirely 'my head feels like a dropped lasagne' is one of the best descriptions I've even read, so kudos for that in the middle of your turmoil! grin

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 31-Mar-17 09:57:15


What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.
I would state that he is abusive towards you and your DDs are seeing this from him (and your reactions to same) within their home too. Would you want either of them to be with someone like your H?. No?. But you are doing your bit here currently to show them that this treatment of you is acceptable to you. Is this what you want to teach them about relationships? Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours; he wants absolute power and control over you.
Currently they are seeing their dad abuse their mother physically and emotionally abuse you as their mother.

I would also read this by Dr Joe Carver:-

Did you meet him when you were either very young (say late teens) or were you in a bad place yourself when you met him?. I would also think that he targeted you and deliberately as well; he saw something in you he can and has indeed exploited. No wonder you are in the state you are in now; these men do really mess with their victims heads.

You state that you do not want to hurt him but he has never given you really that same consideration at all. This individual basically wants you in a cage of his own paranoid making; it may be a gilded cage but its still a cage all the same.

I would seek the support of your family in building a new life for yourself without him in it. It is also worth now seeking legal advice re separation particularly as he has been violent towards you.
Womens Aid are also worth contacting; their number is 0808 2000 247. Seek their support too.

Msqueen33 Fri 31-Mar-17 09:59:38

This is like us. We've been together 12 years and have children and two have disabilities. We don't have a lot in common now but I feel for the kids I should stay. I'm not sure what will happen. I do think due to things like kids the dynamics change and so does the relationship. Everyone goes through rough times.

Msqueen33 Fri 31-Mar-17 10:00:33

Actually your dh sounds abusive. I'm not surprised you're not in love with him anymore.

lasttimeround Fri 31-Mar-17 10:05:35

I was going to post that marriages go up and down in respect to feeling in love. But what you describe sounds like a controlling ea partner. That is would treat v seriously in terms of considering leaving. A lot of people like that can't, or simply don't, change.

Destinysdaughter Fri 31-Mar-17 10:09:12

Attila thanks for posting that link, I was trying to find it for the OP!

rackhampearl Fri 31-Mar-17 11:02:57

Thank you for the replies everyone. I really appreciate it. We have just sat down and discussed it. I thought it was best to approach it while we weren't arguing. To my surprise he has agreed to a separation. He says it will kill him for me to be with somebody else but I've assured him that I won't be for a long time. I will have a long way to go before I can even think about a social life. Now I have to decide where to begin. I have no savings, no job, etc. He said he can help a little but I really don't know where to start. To answer some questions, I met him when I was 19, I had been raped at 14 so my teenage years had turned from innocent to self destructive over night. I was known in town for my wild partying ect. I do credit him for getting me on the straight and narrow but I feel like a grown up now and can't cope with his suffocating ways anymore. I think that's what makes me feel guilty, he's taken me from Scarface to Mary Poppins so I feel that I owe him. Have a very sickly, low feeling right now. I hope I'm strong enough to see this through. Thank you everyone wine

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