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please help me to get financial support from exP!

(11 Posts)
MsComplicated Thu 30-Mar-17 20:14:00

We have two DC, 5yo and 6 months and have been seperated since Jan.

He is self employed and has been an arse about everything since we split, he is forever tellin me that he is barely affording to get to work and still trying to build things up, so Ive been flexible with him and just accepted him paying for the odd grocery shop, school uniform when he 'can'. I am due back to work soon but DC2 was born with a disability that makes me unable to return at this point so will need to go onto benefits to support us as he isnt showing any willing to help.

However he is managing to afford new clothes, I have seen he has been on a few nights out and has booked a tattoo so he clearly is earning a living. If I go through CSA he will declare bare minimums as I will be unable to prove otherwise as it is all pretty much cash in hand.

What can I do? If he wont pay voluntarily but CSA not an option do I just have to wait? Have looked at what we will be entitled to and will massively struggle without him contributing.

ivykaty44 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:00:56

I often wonder what would happen if we turned up with the dc at exes work and left them there on a Monday morning - walking out saying

Oh i need to build my working life up so you need to look after them this week and I'll pop you a fiver in the post on Friday for all your effort

Sorry not much help but apart from being hard nosed and going to CSA not a lot you can do?

What have you got to lose though, he's paying fuck all now so ?

ginswinger Thu 30-Mar-17 21:10:45

1. Yep I agree with PP, drop the kids off and scarper for a few days. Agree to pick them up when he's made out a direct debit for a sensible amount.
2. Call his parents and tell them you need money because he's leaving you short.
3. Threaten to call the local paper and do a sad face story. I refuse to use a certain eco energy company because their founder avoided maintenance for 20 years.
4. refuse to let him see the kids until he pays. I know a lot of people will disagree and say it's not pay to view but kids do not live on fresh air and if you run out of sanctions, well tough. You have kids, you have to be responsible.
5. Go into his house and take things and sell them. Technically theft but may be effective.
6. Train your 5yo to pick his wallet.

Okay I'm out of options but I'm sure others can suggest some. Having a self employed ex sucks.

MsComplicated Thu 30-Mar-17 21:20:58

I so agree. Although I love my DC Im so resentful of exP that he feels able to take this leap into the unknown to 'build up' his buisness and Im now left to put aside my dreams completely to care for them without much emotional support and naff all financially.

His parents know he pays nothing and his DM bless her does find excuses to buy nappies etc. so I know she feels guilty especially as she raised her 3 DC alone.

Im loving suggestions 5 & 6 grin

When he is with the DC he is a good dad and they enjoy time with him, DC1 also has an understanding of days of the week and what days are 'dad days' he counts down how long until he will see him sad.

PaterPower Thu 30-Mar-17 23:20:22

Is that the same eco millionaire who'd employed his kids in the company, bought them property and so on?

She went after him for spousal support, which is what he'd objected to, and he had paid maintenance when he could (at least so he claimed) but the court ignored it because it was cash.

Given he was living in a van for a big chunk of his life (no doubt living off our bloody taxes - as was she), and only became a millionaire recently, when his kids were already adults, I think he was pretty hard done by. It looked to me like the Court stretched itself to find a way to justify him paying her something.

ginswinger Fri 31-Mar-17 00:03:37

Thing is, when you have kids, you have a responsibility to provide for them financially. It's lovely to be able to be floaty and light and do whatever takes your fancy but you have to buckle up and bring in the cash so your kids can have school uniforms, half decent food and a reliable roof over their heads.

donners312 Fri 31-Mar-17 07:56:53

But the point is you don't have to be responsible!!

You literally can walk off and pay naff all if you want and there is nothing the one holding the baby can do.

The CSA won't do anything and the courts won't do anything. You just have to get on with it yourself.

I think they should be charged with child neglect and sent to jail but there are no consequences in reality.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 31-Mar-17 08:47:30

Doesn't CMS do social media and credit searches to catch out exactly this sort of deadbeat? If not, they fecking should. angry

MsComplicated Fri 31-Mar-17 13:11:26

ginswinger precisely! I think part of being a parent is making sacrifices for the good of the children, if I decided I would like to take casual work following my 'dreams' and neglected to pay for the DC, social services would be alerted but its seen differently because he is their father. angry

From what Ive heard from CMS it seems quite hard to get them to pay, I dont think they do much of a background search and would probably go from what he declares for tax with HMRC which I can imagine is minimal. His social media proves he is working but actual amounts earnt would be really difficult.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 31-Mar-17 13:44:51

But when he's boasting about the clothes and tattoos, clearly he's earning more money than he's letting on, if ye dig.

I know some posters on here have also shopped their exes to HMRC, who take a very dim view of deadbeat taxpayers. This then creates a paper trail for CMS to use. Main potential problem being that by the time HMRC are done with the deadbeats, there might not be a lot to feed and clothe the kids.

ginswinger Fri 31-Mar-17 21:03:22

When I rule the world... I would make a minimum payment for the non resident parent a compulsory feature. The expectation is you would have to contribute £200 a month regardless of what you earn with very few exceptions. Can't pay it? Tough, you need to find a job that will pay it because that's what good parents do. Then strap on the big girl pants and accept that the odd crumb of cash thrown out every now and again is simply not good enough. The rent will not wait until you 'have a bit more cash'.

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