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It's bothering me that he still isn't divorced

(63 Posts)
Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 20:06:07


My dp and I have been together for 8 months and things are going very well. I have 2 dc (I am divorced) and he has one dd who is 6 from his marriage. They split up 4 years ago and she moved 50 miles up the motorway with their dd to live near her parents where she grew up. He sees his dd every other weekend and has her a week at a time during the school holidays although I know he would love to see her more.

His ex isn't the most accommodating of people when it comes to their dd such as she won't tell him when sports days/school photos/school events are etc which he would like to know. He walks on eggshells around her I think almost in fear she has the "power" when it comes to their dd. I haven't met his ex.

Divorce proceedings were started by her (upon his request for her to sort it out as she was at the time working for a solicitors firm.) All the assets were sorted out between them and the only thing is sorting out their dd etc. I asked him months ago when he was going to sort it out as it's bothering me he is still married. He said then he has to take time out to get a solicitor and sort it out and said he would do it. Then last month he said he had "too much on" and didn't have the headspace to sort it out at the moment.

I said to him if he gets it sorted out and goes for joint custody of their dd (which is what he wants) he would have more clout when it comes to their dd and wouldn't need to walk on eggshells so much as he would have joint custody with no fear of her making anything difficult with divorce or anything like that.

The thing is he keeps putting it off and making excuses and it's really bothering me. At the moment we don't have the same weekends together as when mine are at their dads, he has his dd and vice versa. He keeps saying he's going to ask her to swap around so we can have a weekend where if we all want to do something with the kids we can and a weekend we can spend together. His ex controls all the dates he has his dd, when he has to pick her up and drop her off and when he has her in the holidays and he's tip toeing around it all and i'm getting very frustrated.

I don't want to go on and on at him but I feel really bothered by all of this.

MrsDustyBusty Thu 30-Mar-17 20:10:11

Why do women go for these men? She's probably not an evil control freak who's trying to ruin his life, there's a reason he won't divorce her and it's not her vengeful wrath.

I'd let him off.

Shayelle Thu 30-Mar-17 20:12:13

Hes scared of her

mymymytime Thu 30-Mar-17 20:15:17

Now wonder if she is using their child as a weapon which could well be the case!

I'm not sure how joint custody would work if they live 50 miles apart.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Mar-17 20:16:12

You mean bin him off ?

OrangeJulius Thu 30-Mar-17 20:19:14

It should bother you very much. You are dating a married man, who will remain a married man. What future could you have with someone like this?

Lelloteddy Thu 30-Mar-17 20:19:33

Here's a novel idea. Tell him to put on his big boy pants and ask the school to send him their calendar or link to the online version. Give them his number for text alerts about events.
Honestly why the hell do women give these pathetic losers who still have issues with their Exs the time of day?

TreeTop7 Thu 30-Mar-17 20:19:49

I'm going through a divorce. Early stage. If I could click my fingers and teleport to the decree absolute stage I'd do it, even if it meant losing out on the summer and a few months of my life, because I don't want to go through the "divorcing" bit. The act of divorcing is mentally hard as you probably remember, and some people can't seem to face up to it. Head in the sand! It doesn't mean that they still want to be married.

There's an awful lot to be said for quick, no-fault divorces.

That said, he's not being fair on you and he really should take a deep breath and get on with it. Maybe he worries that his ex will make things difficult with money or contact, but he really needs to face it.

Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 20:20:45

The thing is I've seen text messages of him asking simple requests such as "is it ok to talk to dd at 6pm tonight if I call?" to get a reply of "No we're busy." Blunt dead reply.

If my ex dh text me that i'd say "no sorry we're busy but i'll get her to call another time etc"

I'm sure she's not an evil, nasty person but It's like she's using their dd to get at him in some way. I suppose I find it quite shocking because even though me and my ex can be a logger heads, we are accommodating when it comes to the dc.

Kikikaakaa Thu 30-Mar-17 20:25:31

In all fairness, you knew he was married 8 months ago. And you still dated him. It hasn't bothered him for 4 years really, so this suggests he's just not bothered about it. And it's his marriage/divorce to sort out not yours.

After 8 months I can sense you hoping that he will do it to show commitment to you. In some ways this could be exactly why he is not. I know a fair few married people who don't get divorced because they don't want their partner to assume that they will marry them. There's a small chance it's that? He doesn't see the need to rush it because it's irrelevant - he ain't gonna marry you and time soon.

He also has a teeny tiny backbone, can't deal with his ex and you are already getting aggrieved on his behalf about exes behaviour. If you are not careful he will see you as nagging.

He knows what you want and he isn't bothering to give it to you. I am sorry to say this does not strike me as a man who values your relationship highly. Perhaps it is time to reasses whether he is the right man for you

Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 20:30:29

He's not a pathetic loser, he's actually a really lovely guy who I've felt a gut feeling of "he's right," right from the start. He's a very friendly, well liked man and everyone I have introduced him to has said what a lovely guy he is. Having previously been with a narcissistic abuser, I recognise the signs and he has no hidden "side" to him.

TrreTop7 I think that's what it is - he needs to face things and not bury his head in the sand. I explained to him when I divorced my ex dh I was also having X Y Z going on and it was the most stressful time of my life. But the stress was worth it in the end as I didn't want to be married!

Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 20:39:04

Kikikaakaa we've had the conversation where we've both said we don't want anymore children and we've both said we want to get married in the future as we both feel it's right.

He does have aa tiny backbone with his ex and does need to start dealing with his ex as he's the one missing out!

I think i'm going to talk to him again and express how aggrieved this is making me feel!

Hermonie2016 Thu 30-Mar-17 20:42:17

Why can't you swap weekends? I think that at 8 months in you seem to be trying to drive the agenda.Get a divorce, go for 50:50, change weekends, comments on her communications.
He will get around to it when he wants.Please don't interfere with child don't know why she feels she can't openly communicate (there will be history).My stbxh has messed me about so much that it has impacted my parenting relationship with him.Initially I was completely cooperative and open but he's been so abusive I've had to put my guard up.
I think you need to step back and let him get on with it.

Kikikaakaa Thu 30-Mar-17 20:43:26

Part of me really doesn't think you should go in hard with how cross it's making you just that it doesn't bode well for the future. Also his DD is his business to sort out all you can do is give advice on it. That's all. He knows what he needs to do but doesn't want to do it so I don't see how forcing him will help!

I can't imagine knowing I want to marry someone after 8 months, is there any chance he has no backbone with you either and says what you want to hear too?

Kikikaakaa Thu 30-Mar-17 20:44:52

I agree with Herminonie. This is verging on super pushy! He does have to get on with it and you have to accept him for the man he is, or walk away. Not try to mould him

Aquamarine1029 Thu 30-Mar-17 20:53:18

I would have very grave concerns about being with a man who seemingly can't handle the hard stuff. What will happen when the two of you encounter hard times, and trust me, you will. Real men don't bury their head in the sand and let important things slide.

ivykaty44 Thu 30-Mar-17 20:54:54

Any parent can ask the school to send information about school events, concerts, parents eve etc he needs to take the initiative to do so if he wants to know these things

highinthesky Thu 30-Mar-17 20:58:16

It should bother you very much. You are dating a married man, who will remain a married man. What future could you have with someone like this?

We all have different threshold and I agree with the comment above. Some things are sacred and married is one of them.

Tell him you'll reconsider when he is actually divorced.

Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 21:05:23

I wouldn't say i'm driving the agenda. The divorce thing bothers me but it's not me suggesting to him to go 50:50, that's his words. The weekends swap thing was something we both spoke about together as it's what we both want to happen. My comments on her communication are only on MN. I don't comment to him on my thoughts of her communication.

I'm just finding it frustrating sad

Kikikaakaa Thu 30-Mar-17 21:07:08

Your agenda, jointly or otherwise doesn't match his actual agenda inside his brain. The one he's not bothering to put into action

Kikikaakaa Thu 30-Mar-17 21:09:18

I know it looks like we are being harsh but this thread is you asking the question 'how can I push my new boyfriend into getting divorced and access to his DD that suits me more?' But I can believe he says all the right things to you to lead you to believe he wants it too

Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 21:11:30

Kikikaakaa, I don't think it's a case of saying what I want to hear. I have dc and I've been married. It's not a desperate need in me to get married again, it's just something we spoke about and said we'd like that in the future. It would be different if I was 35, single with no dc and so finding someone who wanted to get married and have dc was a big need as time was ticking etc... smile

Bananalanacake Thu 30-Mar-17 21:11:42

But have you met his family? I had all this too, except he didn't have a child, what hurt more was his refusal to introduce me to his family rather than his reluctance to sort his divorce.

Chinchinwag Thu 30-Mar-17 21:15:28

Yes I've met his family and they are really lovely people. smile

Lelloteddy Thu 30-Mar-17 21:17:12

He wants 50:50 care and he can't even phone the school to get a list of pertinent dates?

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