This weird ‘friendship' is causing me so much heartache

[MuckedUpAgain]

Have NC.

I have a male friend I met at work 5 years ago, although we no longer work together.

The friendship soon strayed over the line and we became emotionally close. I was / am in an unhappy marriage, with control issues but for various reasons am still in that relationship.

He was also in a relationship. I know what we did was wrong but I got carried away and felt ‘loved’. He said he loved me too. We never DTD though, only emotional closeness, kissing etc.

Unfortunately his other half found out and the relationship ended abruptly. My other half never found out and life returned to normal, albeit I felt bereft emotionally for a while.

I moved myself to another area of the company and no longer saw this person at work. We no longer communicated and I tried to forget about him.

About 2 years after all this happened – I.e. about 3 years ago, we met each other by chance and, because of the nature of his work, he was able to ensure that I had to talk to him (sorry if this sounds cryptic / vague but I can’t go into detail as it would be too identifying.

We then started texting again / chatting again and it appeared ’a spark’ was still there.

However, he was / is much more distant, there’s no talk of ‘love’ etc. We are just like friends.

He wanted to meet up and we kissed. He says he finds me attractive and wants to be friends and he enjoys kissing me.

I find this bizarre and have told him I think it’s best just to be friends.

But because I am so weak, and also because I get very little affection at home :( - I always end up caving in and kissing him.

I know it's wrong, I know he is using me, I know he clearly doesn’t love me, but I can't help myself.

We talk from time to time and it really hurts when he mentions his partner (who clearly doesn’t know that we are in touch again…) I am puzzled why he is like this – does he not kiss his partner? I have tried asking him but get very woolly answers.

I know the sensible thing to do would be to cut off all contact… but… I would miss him. I need to be stronger in ensuring our friendship stays inside appropriate boundaries I know.

I would really welcome some help, advice and perspectives. Please don’t be too brutal though, I'm sorry for what I did - i'm lonely and just need support to do the right thing. :(

[Dieu]

You don't need to be "stronger in ensuring our friendship stays inside the appropriate boundaries."
You need to be stronger in actually ending said 'friendship'.

[pombal]

Don't keep doing something that makes you feel shit.

[magoria]

You cannot have a friendship with this man.

NC is the only way to go for you to have some dignity.

Sort out your relationship for better or worse at home but don't even be friends with this man after that is done.

[Dieu]

You sound totally passive OP. I think you need to do something about your life. I mean that not unkindly, by the way.

[anyoldhow]

When you say he 'mentions' his partner, what does he say about her? Does they seem to be having issues as surely that's why he's seeking attention from elsewhere? If this is the second time you have both started something then surely his relationship with her can't be good

[HotNatured]

I don't have any good advice, hopefully that will be forthcoming, but I just wanted to give you these as you sound so sad.

Good luck

[Trickycat]

You are both having an emotional affair. You need to go no contact.
His poor partner does not deserve this.

[HappyJanuary]

If you're unhappy in your marriage, end it.

Don't be the sad cow mooning about over a married colleague whose 'wife doesn't understand him'.

If he's so unhappy, why did he drop you for her when she found out about your first ea?

You think your sad, but I expect his wife (& kids?) will be sadder when they find out.

And actually, you'll be even sadder than you are now if she turns up on your doorstep, or your place of work, or contacts your dh.

[Trickycat]

"I ...get very woolly answers" This is because he wants to eat cake. Take his fork away.

[MuckedUpAgain]

AnyOld- he just mentions what they're doing, where they have been, holidays they have planned etc. Just as you would when talking to a friend.
They don't appear to have any issues. I can't get through to him why he wants to kiss me.

We no longer have what I would term an emotional affair, although it was originally. It's purely friendship on his part, although I still have feelings for him.

I know his partner doesn't deserve it.

When pushed / when I try to 'talk' (i.e. About the situation rather than day today stuff) he will say 'we're just friends but I find you attractive' as if that gives him a licence to kiss all of the friends he happens to think are attractive

[MuckedUpAgain]

He had no kids and not married, that doesn't make it ok I know.

[MuckedUpAgain]

Happy - he has never said his dp doesn't understand him..if anything the reverse. He tells me all their plans, all about their holidays etc, what a great time they've had etc etc.

[anyoldhow]

Strange then. Can't think if he has no kids and he's not married to her then why stay with her if he's attracted to other women for so long? Has he done anything like it before though he could just be a serial cheater

[Happybunny19]

This man is not your friend. You are unhappy in your relationship and he's filling a void, but it's not making you feel better, quite the contrary.

Is there anything you can do to improve your home life? I think you are starting to rely on this OM again to make you feel alive again, but you need to find an alternative way of achieving this.

Cut contact, he is not committing to you or his poor partner. He probably keeps stringing you along to massage his ego, but it's just making you feel shitter.

Is his current partner the same one who previously found out about your affair? If so, she's probably suspicious already that he's up to his old tricks and she may well fill your partner in if she finds out you've rekindled the affair.

[JustSpeakSense]

He is using you for a bit of a thrill.

End this friendship now, it is toxic.

Concentrate on trying to get out of your unhappy marriage.

[ElizaDontlittle]

Is this all, deep down, because you are miserable at home but due to his "control issues" - for which I read emotional abuse - you feel paralysed to do anything about it?

[Vegansnake]

Do you want yr husband to find out? He may leave you if he does...if she finds out ,she may tell yr husband.is he using you to end his relationship with her.?hoping she finds out and dumps him..?he's 100%using you...you need to stop this before you sleep together

[MuckedUpAgain]

Yes his current partner is the same one, they met about 4 years before I met him and are still together.

[Trickycat]

This is horrible cheating, despite whether they are married or not. This is not 'just friendship' - you are being physical. Perhaps you are not the only woman he has dangling like this. You are boosting ego. Tell him to get lost. He is not a nice person.

[Trickycat]

boosting his ego

[Paperdoll16]

Dislike! On every account.

His partner has found out about this before and he clearly decided to stay with her, and is still with her, probably still rebuilding trust.

But a couple of years later he's back at it again, with the same woman. Imagine if she finds out, again!!

If you and him are unhappy in your relationships then just walk away. Address your lack of attention/affection with your partner with him.

Sorry I don't sound very empathetic to your situation as I was like his partner who found my H doing something similar with a work colleague. No doubt he would do it again in a few years once the dust settles as those type of people are never going to change.

So what I'm saying is if you were to pursue this any further and end up in a relationship one day there's a pretty good chance you'll find some texts or emails once the honeymoon period has ended with you.

[Happybunny19]

Can't you put yourself in his partners shoes just for a moment? Imagine finding out about your partner's betrayal, staying with him, trying to trust again, only to discover it's happening again years later with the same woman. You can keep kidding yourself it's not an affair, but she will see it as that.

You are miserable for whatever reason, but that's no excuse for inflicting pain on others. I had some sympathy initially but now you just seem cruel and self centered.

[Emmageddon]

This isn't a friendship. He is using you. He's messing with your head. Stop seeing him where situations lead to kissing for goodness sake. If your marriage is in trouble, either seek couples counselling, or end it. Don't see this man in any other setting other than a professional work setting.

[crazyhead]

What you've actually learned here is that you can't be friends with this man and that he's a real shit.

Solution? Zero contact. You are drifting in no man's land with the anxiety and guilt of this situation and that's way lonelier than being properly alone (I was once in a similar EA situation so speak from experience)

[anyoldhow]

I agree with happybunny

His partner was probably devastated and obviously loves him otherwise why would she have given him another chance only for him to do it again? Have you not asked him why he's still with her? Surely he's said why? And how do you know they aren't married or have kids for certain? Genuinely just wondering if you know for certain??