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Should I be worried?

(39 Posts)
babayjane67 Thu 30-Mar-17 15:32:37

I have an 8 yr old dd.she is to all intents&purposes an only child though I do have 2 grown up dds from a previous marriage.
I'm not married now but have been in a relationship my my dp, her dad, for 10 yrs.
She does lots of after school dates now&again but not for a quite a while now.She never asks for one or seems bothered about it.
I work pt at her school so I see what happens at play times etc.Ive noticed for a while now that she very often doesn't have anyone to play with.she has one girl in her class she calls her best friend though they don't socialise much out of school.if this girl doesn't want to play with her then she basically has no one to play with as she won't play with most of the other girls in her class.or indeed any!she will sometimes play with some of the boys if they're playing something she wants to or they will let her.
So a lot of the time she's playing by herself which she does quite a lot at home too if we're busy etc.she's very good at playing in her imagination.always has been.she used to make 2 characters out of anything even 2 bits of loo paper while on the loo!she still will sit for ever on there playing!
Anyway when I ask her if she's happy playing on her own at school she says yes.she sings to herself plays by herself etc.I am still worried about her though as she tends to say yes she's OK when u can tell she's not really sometimes.or I get that impression. I've spoken to dp about it but he's not overly worried.I've also spoken to her teacher who said she will keep an eye on her.
Should I be worried or is this quite normal sometimes?neither of my other kids ever did this that I can eldest dd used to play with the boys more than the girls but she did have girl friends.I've always been a bit of a loner myself not loads of friends as such&used to get left out a lot.I remember how that felt&don't want that for my dd.
Maybe I'm just worrying over nothing?

AutumnRose1988 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:30:46

I can see why your worried but I have also known very creative,
Imaginative people be loners who played on their own in the playground making up stories and asking them out alone etc. Does she like writing stories, reading lots etc? If so, she is probably just really imaginative. Does she show empathy towards others? Does she show affection and make eye contact? You will see where I'm going with this but do a bit of a mental check list and I'm sure she will be fine xx

AutumnRose1988 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:31:11

Acting not asking

babayjane67 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:50:59

She doesn't write stories at least not at home.though her teacher said she's always got lots of ideas at school & writes lots like mad& gets carried away!lol
She does read a lot though both at school&home.
Yes she does eye contact& has empathy.I know exactly where you're going as Ivery had concerns about her on& off first a while.
Not all people on the spectrum have no eye contact no empathy's a very big spectrum!
She's generally a very happy thoughtful helpful little girl.she has her moments buy don't they all!
I'm just a bit worried for her at times.praps it's me.

AutumnRose1988 Thu 30-Mar-17 20:59:59

My apologies-I work in SEN and very very briefly

AutumnRose1988 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:04:54

My apologies-I work in SEN and very very briefly asked a few things that could possibly suggest ASD. I completely agree that it's a vast spectrum and girls are indeed better at masking being high functioning or aspergers etc so please don't think what I posted was what I thought were the main indicators! Why don't u suggest drama classes to her or another extra curricular activity where there's kids more on her level (she could be brighter than the other kids and find them boring!) she sounds like a fab kid but if u have a couple of worries then chat with the SENCO at her school or speak to your GP? Xx

NarcsBegone Thu 30-Mar-17 21:47:54

My ds is almost exactly as you have described your dd. It has been heartbreaking for me but he honestly seems ok with it. He has ASD and I'm pretty sure it's because of that. He also gets very attached to some people and sort of emotionally over invests, they become the only person he's really interested in. My ds is now 11 and is able to mix on a level with the other kids, he seems liked and as far as I am aware (I do check) isn't being picked on. He says he's happy on his own or helps out with things the staff are doing, he likes to have 'jobs'. I worry that when he goes to secondary school things may be picked up on by the other kids but now we finally have a diagnosis I'm hoping the new school will be more aware.

babayjane67 Thu 30-Mar-17 22:13:29

That's OK Autumn thanks for the in put.
I have thought of drama/ singing for her as that'd be right up her Street! Just need to sort out the logistics as shes busy 4 days a wk already!our deputy head is the school Senco so maybe I could have a word.
Narcs when did u yr son get his diagnosis?
I also worry what it'll be like for her as she gets older/goes to secondary.she does say she's happy though.
I'm off to bed now but will come bk on tomorrow so would be glad of anymore input.

AutumnRose1988 Fri 31-Mar-17 06:08:27

The drama / singing would be a great outlet for her. Drama could be a great way of practicing her social skills should she need to and it gives her a chance to mix with likeminded kids and perhaps in secondary school it will keep her busy with school productions etc :-)

Speaking to SENCO will be good as they might have a better insight into how she is at school or be able to get the ball rolling for an assessment. Is she doing well academically? X

babayjane67 Fri 31-Mar-17 07:20:11

Trouble is our Senco isn't always very approachable!don't know how dp will react either when I tell him I think we ought to spk to them.hes not worried about that at all.more about doing her spellings etc with her which I know isn't a bad thing.he will be very shocked!
She's doing good yea.we had parents eve last wk&teacher said she's always so enthusiastic,is a team player when they play football or hand ball as outside pe&she's a good role model for others bless her.
She struggles with spelling&handwriting(she's getting extra help with this now in a handwriting group once a wk) also a bit with maths but some bits of that she gets straight away.teacher has asked us to help her at home with money.what change to give etc as that's what they're learning at mo.
She has hypermobility&needed physio to walk.she took her first steps a wk before her 2nd birthday.she has never let it stop her doing anything! S he's a determined girl!she does swimming lessons, gym.she's always had orthotic boots&insoles though in the last 6 months it's now only the insoles she needs which is great!so when this girl she calls best friend wants to play football or play with the skipping ropes dd doesn't want to as she can't skip&though she plays football in pe she doesn't really like it so doesn't want to play's difficult bless her.

babayjane67 Fri 31-Mar-17 15:48:18


AutumnRose1988 Fri 31-Mar-17 19:42:15

She sounds fab - proper cool little chick :-) if you think that DP won't approve why don't you go alone to see SENCO? If he gets funny just say it was something you just had to do for you. If you're not comfortable with the SENCO then is her class teacher any better? Did they mention anything about her interaction with others at parents evening? Is that the main thing that bothers you, that she seems to not make friends? What is she like with siblings? X

NarcsBegone Fri 31-Mar-17 23:08:24

It's taken 10 years! He's very high functioning and no one properly took notice. Finally I was listened to and he got a new teacher, new Peadatrician all combined with the pressure of sats mocks and him not being able to keep a lid on things resulted in a diagnosis of sensory processing disorder, ASD and ADD. I've been getting a little help with a local organisation for a year or so and now getting quite a bit of help. It's really important to help him with social skills and with the temper/meltdowns asap now and although I've obviously tried my best I haven't been that successful on my own and hoping that we can learn new ways to manage. He is very differently behaved in different situations but releases at home... it's complicated to explain. The Nhs guidelines for diagnosis aren't great and don't take all the information into account making it very hard. I was desperate to get the diagnosis before secondary school as he is already struggling and I think it's going to be so hard on him. My advice is to ask the school to monitor and anything they see at all, no matter how small, could really help build a picture.

babayjane67 Sat 01-Apr-17 08:51:47

No they didn't say anything about her interaction with others.teacher just said she had no concerns over her at all!she didn't even know that dd was playing on her own till I told her!she caught me a couple of days after&said she'd seen her sat in the quiet area by herself&that best friend was playing she asked if she was ok happy being alone&dd said yes she was.she wanted to be alone!so teacher was OK with that but will still keep an eye.
She's fine with her older sisters& her niece whos 21 months younger.they play together lovely!
As we spk now she's sat playing in her imagination with one of her my little ponies while we've got the news on lol
She has got a wicked sense if humour!
I have read/ heard it takes forever to get a diagnosis of any aspergers etc.
I don't know maybe it is just me worrying too much& should just let her get in with it bless her!

babayjane67 Sat 01-Apr-17 08:54:10

See she doesn't have any tantrums or meltdowns.she gets stroppy sometimes but that's probably just her age.
She's always trying to please.she's definitely a people pleaser.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 01-Apr-17 09:31:11

I would keep an eye on things and if you remain concerned I would ask your GP to refer your DD to a developmental paediatrician.

ASD did cross my mind when I read your initial post and subsequent postings. Many teachers and SENCOs are not trained to recognise ASD, let alone any additional needs if these are present so I am not altogether surprised that her teachers have not noticed anything.

I would speak to the people who give her extra handwriting classes and ask how she reacts socially amongst her peers in that class.

I note she plays nicely with her elder sisters and her younger niece (all these people are safe to her). Its usually around the age of 8 or so that social difficulties if present start to become more apparent. If her peers are maturing faster than your DD is and they have "outgrown" her she could well become more and more socially isolated because they are no longer interested in the things she is. That may well be happening now, it could become far more apparent in secondary school.

Her people pleasing tendencies will do her no favours in the long run because it could lead to her being exploited and taken advantage of.
I would try and address this now with her.

babayjane67 Sat 01-Apr-17 09:57:01

That's also what worries me Attilla that her friends are starting to outgrow her a bit& don't want to always play what she does.
She likes to play MLP games most of the time.sometimes her best friend will play it with her bit more often now she wants to play football or something else with someone else.
Yesterday wasn't too bad to start with as one of the girls in her class played with her briefly with I can't remember what the name is but anyway she let dd borrow it after about 10 mins so she was going round to everyone all over the playground to show them/play it with them.this other girl joined in with the football.dd was just wandering around to everyone showing them it.
Once dds class had gone into lunch on didn't see her after that.
She can be quite bossy&pedantic with us at times but that doesn't seem to come out much at school or not that I've noticed or been told.
Sometimes she reminds me of me when I was a child.mine was a similar situation in that I'm the youngest of 4 but age gaps between the 3rd one& me is 8 yrs so I was also an only child really.I used to get quite lonely sometimes&also played in my imagination a lot. Maybe shesome just like me I don't know.maybe Imy also on the spectrum somewhere.I have wondered that sometimes but never done anything about it&no one else has ever mentioned it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 01-Apr-17 10:17:15

Her peers do seem to be now outgrowing your DD socially and emotionally and that could well lead to her becoming further socially isolated and even worse ignored. Your DD may well be finding the whole social gamut of junior school very hard to understand if not unfathomable. If a child has social and or communication difficulties its usually around this age that they really start to become apparent as the gap widens between the child and their peers.

How proactive is this school really? Does the school have a gymtrail type group or even better a nurture group; this is something I would be looking at if it is available. Is there a friendship bench?

I would ask the GP to refer her to a developmental paediatrician keeping your own notes in the meantime. I would also consider posting on the SN Children's part of this website as I found that to be most useful as well.

user1488545772 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:36:38

Your dd sounds lovely and not unlike myself as a child! I have recently read 'highly sensitive persons' by Elaine N Arron and has been invaluable in coming to understand myself and the child I was. It really has been an eye opener. Maybe worth reading

babayjane67 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:38:08

What's a gym trail? School doesn't have one as far as I know.don't know about a nurture group either.there's no friendship bench.
The teacher has talked to the whole class once or twice about being friends with everyone to be kind etc but as far as I know that's it really.
I know she doesn't enjoy playing football& can't skip due to the hypermobility.she's bit slower running etc than the if she's ever playing tag in a group of kids which she does occasionally then she's pretty easily caught or only goespecially so far then straight bk to Base so she isn't caught!
Yes I may try the sn kids section on here too later.thanks.

babayjane67 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:40:22

Thanks User.are you on the spectrum yrself or just someone who enjoys her own company more etc?or especially as a child anyway.

user1488545772 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:48:45

I don't think I am! But I did grow up feeling a bit different. Very sensitive to other people's emotions and also a people pleaser. I am a confident adult running my own business that I love. I do need a lot of down time as I occasionally find large crowds and noise difficult. It's hard explaining in a post but that book says it all !

user1488545772 Sat 01-Apr-17 10:54:50

My friends and family often tell me that I am too nice and soft and I do get taken advantage of by certain people. I am now finally learning to set firmer boundaries (I'm in my 50's) We are all different and shouldn't be expected to conform to what society deems as 'normal '

babayjane67 Sat 01-Apr-17 11:43:53

Sorry I didn't mean to offend or pry.just very confusing isn't it!
I know what you mean about feeling different.Ive also always found it difficult to make friends& meet new people.used to use alcohol but too much!
I will take a look at that book as dd may fit into that rather than being on the spectrum.
Yes I don't think we can or should all be deemed to be the same or expected to be!

user1488545772 Sat 01-Apr-17 11:48:28

No offence taken smileI was speaking generally. This is my first time posting on here and it's difficult to phrase my thoughts. If you read that book I would be very interested to hear your thoughts

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