Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Unplanned pregnancy, partner wants me to abort but I don't want to :(

(248 Posts)
Toddzoid Thu 30-Mar-17 14:01:00

Really tricky situation.

I have three DC aged 7, 5 and 4 to my exH. Met my partner 2.5 months ago so yes, early doors. It's been intense from the beginning, we fell in love quickly, spend half the week together already and he's the first man my children have met.

Found out yesterday I'm pregnant despite being on the pill which has worked for almost 5 years so unsure why it's failed this month... DP hit the roof. He was calm at first, said he'd come after work and stay the night to discuss it properly. However it became evident very quickly we weren't going to agree.

He's basically adamant I have an abortion and I understand his reasoning: it's too soon into the relationship, we're both working on our careers ATM, be nice to be more financially settled first and we don't even live together etc. I empathise completely with him but ultimately I just can't bring myself/absolutely don't want to abort. He's been quite cruel about it really. He shouted at me so much earlier I broke down crying, he packed all his things up and left. He's text me since to accuse me of trapping him which is of course absolute nonsense- I have no reason to trap him! And also of emotional blackmail because I said I feel as though an abortion would drive us apart because I'd feel I'd been coerced and forced into it. Just really been a nasty piece of work about it all tbh and now I'm just lost and don't know what to do or where to turn.

Will he come around or is the strongest possibility that I'm facing the prospect of becoming a single mother of four? sad

Justmuddlingalong Thu 30-Mar-17 14:06:44

2 and a half months? Was that a misprint?

BonnyScotland Thu 30-Mar-17 14:06:58

Toddzoid.... take care of yourself..... do not let anybody tell you what you must do.... you have time ... use it .. to think about what YOU want too .... don't be bullied or coerced into anything you're not in full agreement with...

p.s. He must share responsibility ... Condoms are NOT a new invention x

TimidLividyetagain Thu 30-Mar-17 14:10:37

Don't abort if u don't want to.if he can't come round to understanding there's nothing u can do. But if he's goes to be cruel don't see him . It's on u the consequences either way so u had to be able to live with your decision. Dont let him pressure u. He did it too.

Toddzoid Thu 30-Mar-17 14:11:12

I agree and have said that to him. We didn't use condoms and that's surely something every adult has to accept, that contraception isn't foolproof. He's not really acting his age imo. I know it's a shock, I mean... it's happening in my body so I'd argue no one is as petrified as I am right now! But his reaction is that of a frightened boy. I told him 16 year old boys deal with this, why can't he?

ImperialBlether Thu 30-Mar-17 14:14:02

But this has shown you, surely, that you can't actually fall in love, not really, after such a short acquaintance?

As far as abortion is concerned, I understand your POV, but how far along are you? Having a tablet really early on is completely different to a surgical procedure.

LineysRun Thu 30-Mar-17 14:15:12

That's a very big shock, after only 10-11 weeks together. And he'd already partially moved in?

No-one can decide what to do except you, but it's incredibly early into this relationship. I think you've made your mind up - but you can't make him agree.

What effect is this going to have on your children?

floraeasy Thu 30-Mar-17 14:15:33

Well, you've seen his true colours haven't you? sad

The decision is yours. You know that. If you want this baby, you have it.

Yes, you will be a single mother of four. But you are a single mother of three already. It will be tough, of course, but if you want the baby, there it is.

Is your exH supportive of his three children? Does he pay his way financially at least?

See your doctor about a more foolproof method of contraception for the future though.

Your DP may just be in shock and will come round. He gambled on fatherhood when he didn't use a condom. I wish he'd handled it better though - he doesn't sound very nice from what you've said here.

I am sorry that your first hope at a relationship since your marriage has turned out this way.

Stay strong!


Afreshstartplease Thu 30-Mar-17 14:15:48

Honestly I'd keep the baby loose the man

2014newme Thu 30-Mar-17 14:18:42

Is the 2.5 months a misprint? You say first man your kids have met but have you only been separated 10 weeks?
It's fine for him to prefer a termination, it's not fine for him to be abusive. Perhaps "falling in love" with someone so quickly after your relationship broke down clouded your judgement as he sounds like a that.
Regardless it seems you are on your own if you proceed with the pregnancy.
Good luck 🍀 💐

Toddzoid Thu 30-Mar-17 14:18:52

I'm only four weeks so I know abortion would be fairly straightforward at this stage but I'm not convinced it's ever what I'll want to do. Right now my heart very much says keep it, despite all the odds.

He has shown his true colours and they aren't very nice at all sad.

My exH sees the DC once a week and yes, contributes financially. I think they'll be ok with it, excited even.

Vagndidit Thu 30-Mar-17 14:20:23

Cut your losses, Op. This guy doesn't strike me as a keeper or father material. Be grateful he's shown you his true colours this early in the relationship. As for keeping the baby, do what YOU feel is right. Don't let him influence you either way.

2014newme Thu 30-Mar-17 14:21:53

In your shoes I would terminate, not because he wants it as I would be terminating him too, but because having the baby means giving him the opportunity to be in your life for evermore and sorry to say itbut emotionally and practically I don't think having a baby with thus idiot is what you need at this juncture in your life

RyanStartedTheFire Thu 30-Mar-17 14:22:08

Do you want to be tied to someone you barely know for the rest of your life?

Whatatododo Thu 30-Mar-17 14:22:12

How do you feel about being a single parent to four small children?

Are you hoping he will come round to the idea if you keep it?

LineysRun Thu 30-Mar-17 14:23:39

2014newme talks sense, I think.

justnowords Thu 30-Mar-17 14:23:49

Toddzoid, whatever the circumstances of your pregnancy, no one has the right to use it to suggest/blackmail/force abortion to you if you have stated that is not what you want. To do this is very disrespectful of your feelings and rights. That includes people on this thread. You do what you feel is right for you.

Toddzoid Thu 30-Mar-17 14:24:39

This is why I'm torn. When I found out I figured (perhaps naively) that yes he would be shocked and scared but that ultimately he'd be supportive of my decision. Instead he's absolutely freaked out and turned quite nasty, not who I thought he was at all. So do I really want to be tied to him forever? But I equally can't face the idea of an abortion sad

stitchglitched Thu 30-Mar-17 14:24:43

You don't know him after 2.5 months. He shouldn't have been anywhere your kids at this point.

He has shown that he has a nasty streak and I would be very worried about having a baby with a virtual stranger who has shown that he can be aggressive. I would not want to have to be connected to and co parent with him for the next 18 years and possibly have to subject my older kids to him too. I would be prioritising my already existing children.

Toddzoid Thu 30-Mar-17 14:25:13

I'm hoping he'll come round but not convinced he will...

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Thu 30-Mar-17 14:26:48

When I thought I was pregnant after 2 months with now DH, I told him in a panic, and his reaction was pretty much: 'Shit. Really?! Are you ok? What do you want to do?' In that order. He made it quite clear that he was a bit dubious about the timing but it was totally up to me what to do, and he would be supportive regardless of my decision and regardless of whether we stayed together. If he'd reacted any differently I'd have been horrified. Unless your boyfriend does a pretty swift turnaround and apologises profusely I think I'd be getting rid of him regardless hmm. He's absolutely entitled not to want a baby and to put his pov forward, but shouting at you and flinging about accusations is horrible behaviour however shocked he is.

Wrt to the pregnancy, it sounds like you're already emotionally committed to the baby - as a pp has said being a single parent to 4, while no picnic, is unlikely to be much worse than being a single parent to 3, so you could make it work. You just need some time and space (ideally without being shouted at by knobheads) to think through what is best for you and your older DC. Fwiw I think that you're quite right that feeling bullied into an abortion is highly unlikely to be a good foundation for a lasting relationship.

user1487947495 Thu 30-Mar-17 14:27:55

I think you need to focus on what is best for your 3 existing children.

Toddzoid Thu 30-Mar-17 14:28:08

I wouldn't have introduced anyone else to my children, he's the first man I thought was of a decent calibre that even deserved to breathe the same air as them. But now given this reaction I'm questioning everything.

He can't see things from my perspective. All he sees is that he doesn't want a baby at all so is basically pleading with me to abort.

2014newme Thu 30-Mar-17 14:30:19

I think prioritising existing children is a good idea.
In the past 10 weeks parents have split up, new man on scene, he turns out to be rather dreadful, now mum has a baby with him.

buzzmoon Thu 30-Mar-17 14:30:19

Do not do anything you don't want to do and don't let him pressure you into anything. I'd keep it and lose the bloke flowers

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: