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Teenage pregnancy - cant see through the fog(21 Posts)
My 18 year old nephew has always been such a wonderful boy. Polite, caring, excellent relationship with his Mother.
A few months ago he seemed to just completely change. Dropped out of college, hanging round with boys who were doing drugs. Started smoking and god knows what else.
Then we found out he was stealing hundreds of pounds from his Father (with nothing to show for it). There is a hell of a lot more but i'm too drained to explain.
He has been seeing a girl for 8 weeks and we have just discovered that she is about 7 weeks pregnant.
his Mother is desperately upset and fallen out with his girlfriends parents who are thrilled that their 16 year old daughter is pregnant ....
Now he isnt speaking to any of us because we have aired our disappointment. His girlfriends family are already under social services, the Mother is a drug addict, the house is a mess. This is all a mess.
We wanted so much more for him, meet a lovely girl, fall in love and have children.
The mother of the girlfriend is turning him against us and has already marched them down to the council to get her moved up the list.
I just feel so depressed with it all. My sister can barely function.
Does anyone know what the best approach is?
No proper advice from me I'm afraid.
I can only imagine that supporting him is your best option. Try to look at it from a positive way (as hard as that is!). At least he wants to be involved with the child, maybe this could be the thing that makes him sort his life out.
The more you all appear against him and express your disappointment the more you'll push him away.
It's a horrible situation and I hope things get better
He's had eighteen years of good family life. He isn't going to forget what that is like in a hurry. He'll see through the chaos soon. Try and stay supportive, because he is in a tricky position now. He's made mistakes, yes, but it's out of his hands.
They won't be moving up the list so easy if they live in London. There is no council property available.
Housing benefit is what they'll get.
I have to wonder about a family being thrilled about a 16 year old being pregnant. I'd be devastated if it was my DD.
Where will a decent education and career fit in when he becomes a dad.
Is he sure it's his? oh of course he is, hes head over heels at the moment. The possibility that it isnt his hasnt even entered his head!
He's eighteen, it's understandable that this isn't the future you all envisioned for him but his life isn't over. There's a very steep learning curve ahead of him and he will have to face the consequences of his behaviour (very little money, restricted freedom and being responsible for another life) . Right now he will rebel against any intervention by his family and will probably make even more questionable decisions as a result. So all you can do is be there when he asks for support but shy away from cleaning up his mess because part of the harsh realities of being an adult, is doing that yourself.
Go ahead and mourn the future you envisioned for him but accept that the path he's chosen is his and he will have to start owning it.
To be perfectly honest I'd be more worried about the girl, who has an unstable home life and in all likelihood she'll be left holding the baby when the novelty wears off for the boy,
She might have a crap family, but that doesn't mean that she isn't a girl worth knowing.
If you want to lessen her family's influence on them both, step up and get involved yourselves.
HappyJanuary is spot on imho - tell him you were surprised but want to be there to support him.
Having children often galvanises and you may be surprised to find your nephew gets a new sense of ambition and direction once his baby is here.
My dear, you must let this all go. This situation is not your problem and you have no power to change anything. Your nephew is the one responsible for this mess and he needs to know playtime is over. Don't let his issues damage YOUR life.
If the girl's mum is as controlling as she sounds, your nephew will start getting annoyed with her. Then he'll need support so I think that the only thing you can do is be there if it goes tits up.
Being shocked and upset is normal but it's time to put that aside now. Especially if her family are rolling out the fan fair and he's thrilled so far.
Your family need to love bomb him and her to an extent. Invite them both round and apologise for upsetting them, it was the shock but if they're both happy then you'll support them.
Raging at them (as they'll see it) about what a mistake it all is isn't going to make them turn round and say you're so right we'll abort. It will just push him away.
Keep everything positive, "so you're waiting for a council house, that's great. In the mean time what are your plans if it takes a while to come through?"
"It's great you found out early, you've plenty of time to get a job and start saving some money, do you need any help with applications?"
I wouldn't suggest to him that it might not be his, I'd just comment vaguely to them both along the lines of "so how far along are you? Oh x weeks, wow you must have got pregnant around the start of [month] then" and then leave that to sit in the back of your nephews mind.
Ultimately there's nothing to be done now, she's pregnant, he could walk away but really would you support your nephew doing that?
Great advice from mimi.
If the girl's family life is chaotic there's a chance she wanted this as her way out of it all. With the right support they can break the cycle and be great parents
You're playing right into it by setting them all up as bad. But you say the mum of the mum-to-be is helping them arrange housing? Your language implies his gf is below your family. Not possible. Work hard to be unjudgey and the auntie they can rely on.
He has contacted the police over the weekend to accuse his Mother of harrassment. he is refusing to speak to anyone because she said she will no longer pay his phone/car bills.
His Girlfriends Sister spoke to my Sister (nephews mum) on the weekend to say that if she gioves birth whilst still living at her Mothers address, the baby will go straight into the hands of social services.
The girls mother is taking him to the police every 5 minutes to make various accusations against the family.
I have washed my hands of him, he is being cruel and nasty. He still owes the family thousands after stealing from them including his elderly grandmother.
Awful situation! I know you don't want to hear it but My cousin went on a bit of a rampage because my Aunty refused to support financially anymore (to encourage her to work), she cut all contact with Aunty, 7 years on still won't speak to her! I thought she would have grown up and seen sense by now, I know she will eventually. My brother also went through a stage of refusing to speak to my mum (what is wrong with my family!) but now they are super close again.
There's nothing you can do otherwise keep reminding him you are all there for him. Even if you jus contact him a couple times a week to check in. Perhaps offer to buy a few baby items (not expensive stuff) but at least you show you are making a bit of effort.
It will just need to run its course unfortunately.
Go round there with a massive smile on your face with a pack of cute sleep suits, say gushingly and loudly what a massive surprise it was but now you are all used to the idea isn't it wonderfully exciting and how fantastic it will be to have a new baby in the fAmily and so on and so forth. Grit your teeth and do it. Then you can guide them in better directions, at the moment the only influence is her mothers and her family. Change that and give them other options by being massively on board with the baby. Even if it kills you inside!
It will probably work out ok.
He's trying to bully your family into bankrolling him again, and it sounds like the gf's druggie Mum is encouraging it.
Yes I think you should always be there for your kids, but your Mum and Dad needn't put up with all this crap whilst you wait for him to come to his senses. IMO, they're better off sticking to their guns.
He'll either realise what a tit he's been in due course or he won't - but he'll just use the situation to manipulate them if they cave in now. The likelihood of the SS taking the child off them is reasonably low but, again, it's unlikely your parents could alter that anyway, even if they brought the gf into their home.
Well, you say you've 'washed your hands' of him, so I guess you don't want any more advice except responses agreeing how awful it must be for YOU. But it's not about you. You're not the one having a baby.
Teenage pregnancies happen. It's not what you wanted for your nephew, but what possible good can it do to 'air your disappointment?' It's happened. At this point all you can do is offer support and guidance (which as such young parents they will need a lot of) - and of course when the baby is born you will adore it.
I do have sympathy for you and your sister and of course in these situations people sometimes say the wrong thing, but it's time to pull yourself together, apologise, and offer support.
The stealing and police involvement stuff makes it sound like there's a hell of a lot more going on in this back story than we're getting. So I can't comment on that.
But there's a baby on the way, so get used to the idea and get ready to offer this girl (who could well be lovely, don't write her off coz of her mum) the support and guidance you feel she won't be getting from home.
Also, it's sweet that your nephew is excited about the baby and dedicated to this girl. For the love of God DON'T suggest the baby isn't his or bang on about how you wanted him to 'meet a lovely girl.' Surely you can see how you could be pushing him away?
My lovely SIL had her first baby at 19, with a guy who wasn't what my parents in law might have hoped for (he ended up cheating on her and leaving when baby was 6 weeks old).
They supported her the whole way. They helped her get a mortgage on a house for her and the baby, and when other people "aired their disappointment" they unashamedly stood up for her and stood by her. My DH adored being an uncle (he was 15) and has a special bond with his eldest niece. The baby is now 15 and a thoroughly lovely girl who is doing exceptionally well at school. She now has 2 younger sisters.
I'm sad to hear that this has caused a rift in your family. It could have been very different for my SIL if her parents had rejected her at that difficult time in her life.
Honestly I am wondering what is going on in your nephew's life to have caused him to start struggling to this extent. How did he end up stealing from his family etc?! Something else has to be going on for him to have started acting like this. I hope he feels some love and support somewhere - at the moment he only appears to be getting it from GF & her family?
I had some really difficult times in my late teens and I still think of the family members who accepted me through them and looked at the bigger picture, and those who wanted nothing to do with me.
I think your side of the family need to come to terms with it. Sure it isn't what you wanted for him but you're only going to push him away with the girls family which doesn't sound ideal either!
Surely if the baby is his you'd want baby to have a good up bringing? Doesn't sound like baby will get that from the girls family.
Invite them both over and sit and talk as a family. Instead of pushing him away, bring them all closer to you and make them a better unit.
You see it happen all the time, boyfriend/girlfriend gets brainwashed by girlfriends/boyfriends family abandons their own family. Eventually girlfriend/boyfriend don't want nothing to do with them, gets denied access to the child so they are then left on their own!
Just be there for all 3 of them
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