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Where do I stand

(19 Posts)
Thattoldme Wed 29-Mar-17 20:16:19

I met someone through OLD about 6 months ago. We hit it off straight away but both have big amounts of emotional baggage. We've wobbled along slowly since then; I always felt I wanted a little bit more in terms of reassurance, he thinks I'm in a rush, but we've had a lot of fun and it's helped my confidence massively in many ways; I genuinely feel love for this man. He, however, is "scared" of love, and in the only conversation we ever had about it, he told me he wasn't sure if he ever would be able to love again, but he was trying.

Now, 6 months on, it bothers me that I don't know where I stand. He's in and around my life/ home/ family a fair bit, yet I've met none of his friends or family (there are reasonable reasons for this, but still...) And I don't even know if anyone in his life even knows I exist.

Part of me feels it's not my place to put him on the spot and demand he tells me where i stand/what this is, and part of me thinks that if I was right for him he would make sure I knew it. I guess I just want to know that I'm special to him. As opposed to someone to pass the time with... As I'm writing this it's really hitting home that this isn't looking good... Would be good to hear your opinions.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Wed 29-Mar-17 20:19:06

You are rushing things. It has been six months and you were strangers before.

Maybe have counselling for the emotional baggage instead?

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 29-Mar-17 20:22:52

I'd hate to have been kept from meeting his friends and family for SIX MONTHS! What are his reasons for that?

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 29-Mar-17 20:24:39

I don't think six months is early days. I think it's plenty long enough for a man to know if he wants to get serious with you, or not.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 29-Mar-17 20:25:58

You are standing right where you've put yourself, which is no where. This man has TOLD you who he is. Please believe him! He will never be able to give you the love and support you deserve and you KNOW it. Stop wasting your time.

scottishdiem Wed 29-Mar-17 20:39:22

I think that proclamations of undying love so early in the relationship are overrated. However, this would concern me:

Now, 6 months on, it bothers me that I don't know where I stand. He's in and around my life/ home/ family a fair bit, yet I've met none of his friends or family (there are reasonable reasons for this, but still...) And I don't even know if anyone in his life even knows I exist.

This is much more problematic. If he is a person that doesnt go out or just heads to work and back and doesn't see friends or family then it could be ok. However, if he does and you've never been to see them then its time to evaluate things. There is a difference between love and respect and if you are excluded from his life apart from his time with you then he isnt even respecting you.

Thattoldme Wed 29-Mar-17 21:41:07

Thank you all. I have had extensive counselling for the baggage; he's gentle, kind and genuine, and I'm fairly sure he wouldn't intentionally hurt me, but some of the focus of that recovery was learning to spot 'red flags', & I know some of my concerns would probably qualify, even though he has reasons. 

I also appreciate that it's early days; that's exactly where he's coming from. I probably do need to calm down and just see what happens.

Some valid helpful points here; he isn't out an awful lot (that I'm aware) so I guess I shouldn't focus on meeting his friends and family. 

Aqua I think that's the niggle at the back of my mind. It's so hard to make a judgement when my track record hasn't been that great. 

LesisMiserable Wed 29-Mar-17 21:48:53

I dont know. I was with my EXP for four years and had know him almost twenty years previously. He never really integrated me with his friends or family - if I'm honest I think some of his friends did try to include me in their circle but I was never really part of it - it's almost as if they knew much more than I did that I wasnt going to be a permanent fixture.

I think it is a problem to not be brought into that side of your boyfriend/partner's life - it shows a lack of intent to have you involved in any real extent.

If I was you as shit as it is, but speaking from experience, let him go if it matters to you, he's got you boxed off and you're probably wanting more than that.

Pookie100 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:57:32

I'm not a rusher in. I've been with my partner for about 8 months and he's only just met some of my family and none of my friends. We are dating, it takes time to know if it's right. Everyone is different though and I think it's a concern that you are not in the same place as him, further down the line this could become more and more of an issue. But IMO 6 months is still early days

TheNaze73 Wed 29-Mar-17 22:00:54

Slow down & allow the relationship to breathe. 6 months is no time at all

SaltySeaDog72 Wed 29-Mar-17 22:01:06

Agree at six months in these circs I might start to think about introducing friends and fam but then I don't think six months is long. Not when you had never met him six months ago.

Kittencatkins123 Thu 30-Mar-17 11:52:30

I've been with my bf for about six months and have only met one of his friends and am about to meet his family over the Easter weekend. I'm not a rusher in, also I can't really be bothered with all that, as I'm much more interested in having a lovely time with him than being 'official' or 'recognised' or whatever. He has met my family and my friends as it was my birthday recently, but mostly we just hang out and have a lovely time together.

However, I know we're bf/gf, we've said I love you, are planning all our weekends and holiday together, he even broached moving in (I have an annoying flatmate) so I know exactly where I stand, and I think you should know this (or something approaching this - minus the moving in thing) at six months.

You've had therapy to deal with your issues - what's he doing to sort out his?

Kittencatkins123 Thu 30-Mar-17 11:54:59

NB I don't think your relationship should be like mine! I just mean that you should know where you stand, feel comfortable, be making plans etc sort of thing. smile

ocelot7 Thu 30-Mar-17 12:01:20

I've been with my 'bf' (late 59s!) 10 months - I met his teenagers & he my DC quite soon (as his previous gf refused to & he wanted to know we'd get on). I've met more of his family than he has mine for geographical reasons. He's met my best friend+DP and I've not met his (geography again) but met lots of people he knows locally.
But no-one has mentioned the L word - I was a bit scared of it earlier tbh but anyway we are still getting to know one another and there is no rush

ocelot7 Thu 30-Mar-17 12:01:40

Late 50s

FrogsLegs31 Thu 30-Mar-17 12:11:03

As you can see from the responses everyone works on a different timeline.

If I was in your situation at six months I'd call it a day (probably by about 4months actually)

Think about it like sex drives, there's no right or wrong one to have but you need to at least be nearly matching in your needs to be happy.

I've been with DP for two years next week, we have owned a house together for six months now. I moved in with him after 9months. He introduced me to his entire family after three weeks and I went on the family holiday 4 months in.
That is what I expect in a partner but there are plenty of people who would find that rushed and therefore they wouldn't match with me or him. See my point? smile

category12 Thu 30-Mar-17 13:48:07

The bit that struck me out of the post was "he told me he wasn't sure if he ever would be able to love again, but he was trying." Which is a lot of old toss and sets my alarm bells ringing. Cos it sets you up for a "I told you not to fall in love with me, I told you how I am" etc etc. And "woe is me, I am so damaged, you must heal me with buckets of love and I will give Sod all back".

If he's not willing to be emotionally available, he shouldn't be dating. And certainly shouldn't be dating you who does want an emotional connection.

JellyBean31 Thu 30-Mar-17 14:04:07

he told me he wasn't sure if he ever would be able to love again, but he was trying

This is me, this what I said to the last guy I met OLD, however what I meant was that I knew very early on that I wouldn't fall in love with him, it just felt harsh to say that. I'm pretty sure when I meet the right person I will fall in love.

I could tell he was super keen early on so I ended it as it wasn't fair to him to give him an expectation that I knew for certain would never happen.

This guy is not treating you fairly - if he knows he won't fall in love with you he should walk away.

I can only see heartbreak for you in this situation OP

SaltySeaDog72 Sat 01-Apr-17 15:53:07

Yeah the 'not sure I'll ever be able to love again' would definitely turn me right off him tbh.. I think people probably only say this to people they are not really into.

Big Red Flag.

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