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Splitting up in later life

(15 Posts)
MrsExpo Wed 29-Mar-17 13:32:56

I'm 63 and feel sort on of young for my age, if that makes sense. People tell me I don't look my age, I can still get my aging rear into a pair of size 10 skinny jeans without looking like mutton dressed as lamb, I'm socially active and have lots of interests and friends, I hate to be idle and am always busy doing something. DH is 70 and behaves like a grumpy old man pretty much all the time. He's critical, negative, somewhat controlling and fairly inactive. He lives a very solitary life (his choice) and only goes out to walk the dog. In short we're polar opposites and I'm getting fed up with dealing with his bad moods, negative attitudes and the other less appealing aspects of his character.

I'm seriously considering leaving. It would be a big thing for me but I can't face spending the rest of my life living with increasingly poor demeanour. I'm sure some on here would call him a narcissist. Do I stay or do I go. Has anyone split up this late in life and moved on successfully?

We've been married for 15 years: second time for us both: no DCs. He can keep the dog!!

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 13:34:40

Wouldn't matter to me what age I was, I'd not spend my elder years with a miserable joy sucking individual; why would you?

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 13:42:36

Hey MrsExpo, I feel the same at 55. Although sadly the size 10 jeans are bit a distant dream. Can I just tell you there is a lady down our road here, she is in her mid 70's I would say and on her own. One day we stopped and had a chat, she told me her husband dies 15 years ago and nowdays she has gentlemen friends but no way does she want a live in partner/husband. She always seems bustling and happy

category12 Wed 29-Mar-17 13:53:01

If you feel that you will be happier without him, then go for it. Seems a shame to waste more years on someone who makes you miserable.

A relative lost his wife a few years ago and has remarried in his sixties. And plenty of older people are single for various reasons and have full lives. My neighbour is always off and out and doing, and seems happy.

Mumfun Wed 29-Mar-17 13:58:51

Inform yourself of your options on housing and how the split would affect your financial situation

But definitely split if your relationship is making you miserable.

Ellisandra Wed 29-Mar-17 14:07:06

My XMIL dumped her long term (50 years) live in boyfriend when she was 82.

They're certainly both happier.

Generally I say: go for it.
Only reason not to would be if you thought it was one of life's ups and downs periods whilst you both adjust to retirement (no idea your status or recently there)

But if you're throwing in terms like narcissist I'm guessing he's not just a little grumpy as he adjusts wink

SmokedGlass Wed 29-Mar-17 15:07:30

I was in a similar position to you Mrs Expo
I had been with my husband for 30 years, had 3 adult children, a lovely life and home
DC were all settled with careers and homes of their own,
We had our good health and a lovely group of friends

Then, he sold the family business, retired and practically gave up
He changed from being this dynamic busy man to someone who just wanted to plod day to day, doing nothing

We had talked of travelling, downsizing the home, weekends away and spending more time in our apartment on the coast
This all changed, he told me quite frankly a few months after retiring that he didn't want to do any of the above and was quite happy for us to stay in the family home and I could do all these things on my own, he was happy for me to do this

He became quite controlling in lots of areas where he had never shown interest before i.e. Weekly food shop (it was his goal to get it to the absolute minimum) the cheap crap he bought, the out of date stuff
He complained when I bought myself something
He wouldn't go out for meals unless it was somewhere that was doing a cheap deal (not a problem to me) but it became some sort of quest to find the most terrible place selling terrible food all to save money
This then turned into a mission

He started to buy his clothes from charity shops, again nothing at all wrong in that, I volunteer in one and its lovely,, but a man who used to have suits made, a Hugo Boss dresser who then looked like some scruff was so out of character

All this and he is only 57

I couldn't take anymore and after 18 months I left, he went to pieces, we talked things through for a couple of months and we got back together again but this all changed within a few weeks. He became morose again, still controlling and emotionally distant so last summer we parted for good

I miss my family life, my old fulfilling life and the man I married like crazy, but he has changed. My family unit is fractured and for that I am so sad
I now live in a new home, have new friends, new hobbies and am getting there with counselling
My family and friends have been great throughout

Guess what though - just after Christmas he met someone new online, sold the family home and moved 100's of miles away to be with her all within 10 weeks
The shock is unbelievable, this new person will now be getting the man I thought I was going to grow old with, a different version admittedly, I accept that this has happened but I will never understand how a person can change overnight

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:19:33

I think its the ""changing thing "" smoked glass thats hard to take. We all change I guess but you dont really sign up for extreme changes, if I had met my husband now Im not sure I would have been interested in someone so moody and bad tempered. In my case my extremely devoted husband who was kind, adored me, (we worked together) suddenly found himself in demand workwise, much built up by my efforts too after a few years and next thing he is texting a lot and writing love notes to a 20 year old assistant (one sided I am told on his part) which I only found a few months ago--these are from 11 years back . He became much more aggressive generally, far less laid back and suddenly with a mouth that would shame a navvy! It all suddenly seemed to be about "him" . Im still at home but ducks lining up at moment--Not happy after 21 years !! Feel like I am here for work and housework and its his roadshow with me in as an "extra" rather than a true love match. Shame , it was good for many years.

Nowstrong Wed 29-Mar-17 15:30:06

Hello MrsExpo,
I did it. No regrets...
Pity I can't say the same about the skinny jeans, but I'm doing OK...
Life is much too short to be miserable for the last bit. I sincerely hope that you enjoy life as much as possible. You might be surprised what life has for you around the corner....

Goforit2017 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:53:47

I know someone who divorced her second husband in her 80s! And everyone thought good on her.

Hermonie2016 Wed 29-Mar-17 16:10:53

I think as we age we need to be with someone who we trust to love us so if your husband is not this man then I would separate.

I decided to divorce after recognising my h would not be someone I could trust into my old age due to his selfish behaviours.

I know someone who found love in her late 70's/80's (sadly he died) but she felt more for him than she did her h of 40 years.

MrsExpo Wed 29-Mar-17 16:47:14

I popped out for a couple of hours and have come back to all these lovel, supportive and inspiring stories. Thank you so much to you all. I was beginning to feel like I must be the crazy one for even contemplating it, but now I feel I can do it! I'm not going to make a sudden jump, but I am going start "lining up my ducks" ... working out finances, making plans and making a formal appointment with a good friend who happens to be an excellent divorce lawyer smile who has said she would be happy to advise me should I decide to go down that route. I'll see how the next month or so works out. Onwards and upwards and thank you all once again.

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:19:38

If you want to be--I have a feeling you will be much in demand! Sometimes we just have to accept that people change beyond what we expect and what suits at 40 doesnt necessarily suit at 60 etc. You are only here once and it "may" be that you can remain friends if thats what you wish .

Giggorata Thu 30-Mar-17 09:34:50

I wonder how people manage when they part in older age and have to divide up a meagre pension between them?
If I wanted to bin my dh, I would be practically destitute, as he has next to no pension (but works) and my just adequate pension would be halved....

heron98 Thu 30-Mar-17 15:13:22

DH's grandparents split up at 70. His grandma wanted to travel and see the world whereas his granddad is very much set in his ways. They are still very amicable and see each other at family events. For them it's been a good thing, particularly his grandma who has been able to spread her wings.

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