Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If it walks like a duck,swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck

(22 Posts)
Mindfuckery Wed 29-Mar-17 13:29:52

So many threads on here of posters who are suspicions of their partners cheating/viewing porn/ visiting prostitutes/sexting. Lots of people have gut feelings things don't quite stack up in their relationships. I would just like to say, after being totally played for 20 years, if you have your doubts you are probably correct in assuming the worst.
I have spent the last 2 decades being gaslighted & being made to feel I was crazy. I won't go into details but I have discovered my H has been using massage parlours with "happy endings" long before we were married.......So I suppose my advice to others is please look after yourselves and if your partner is guarding their phone there is a reason. If your partner is suddenly preoccupied, distant and irritable there will be a reason. Don't be thrown of the scent by their "midlife crisis" or "depression " or " needing some space".
Apologies if I sound cynical but I've learnt the hard way.

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 13:32:54

Wise words from an experienced lady; I agree OP; depression, mid life crisis; love you but not in love; all mean the same thing usually - cheating or behaving badly at the very least.

loobylouloos Wed 29-Mar-17 13:35:58

that's rubbish for you, sorry.

But your message is spot on.

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 13:40:02

I wish I had listened to mine properly and pursued it 12 years ago. I had the gut feeling and fell for the gaslighting. Finding out more about something a long way down the line is pretty horrible even if ended a long time ago.

Dieu Wed 29-Mar-17 13:42:50

Good on you for posting this OP. Wise words indeed.

We should ALWAYS listen to our instincts. If it's telling us that something isn't right, then chances are it's not right. It's there to protect and guide us. We have our spidey senses for a reason!

Hopefully the next generation will be taught to listen to their gut feelings. Girls in particular have been taught to be 'nice', and not necessarily to act on it.

Mindfuckery Wed 29-Mar-17 14:17:19

I'd also like to add, at the risk of being flamed, it's not always so simple to LTB or "change the locks" which is the advice often given out. I'm still living under the same roof as my H until it suits me. I have distanced myself and there is no chance of reconciliation. Initially I was in shock, I was angry and I was grieving for the wasted years and a different future than the one I planned. These feelings are gradually fading and I'm looking forward to starting my new life, whenever that will be.

I realise my H is deeply flawed and he is not the person I thought he was. Now things have calmed down I harbour no ill feelings towards him as I have no feelings towards him at all. I am having counselling, I'm on antidepressants, I am exercising everyday and eating healthily. I refuse to be a victim as I think of myself as a survivor.

I get through the weekdays as best as I can and at the weekends I stay with my friends. This is not how I chose my life to be but I'm determined to learn from this and move on with dignity in my own timescale.
I suppose I'm saying to others in similar situations, try not to act in a knee jerk way when the adrenaline is kicking in and when you're raw with shock. Self care,talking to friends, taking each day as it comes and generally being kind to yourself might be the way forward rather than putting yourself through more trauma.

Mindfuckery Wed 29-Mar-17 14:21:39

Just to add, after discovering my H's little "hobby" the first month I was like a raving lunatic, shouting, throwing things and drinking lots of wine! I'm just trying to get across there is a life after the initial discovery of betrayal. flowers to all those who are going through it.

SilverDiary Wed 29-Mar-17 14:37:32

I'd add two more things women sometimes do

1. Look for the swan in the man. They're hoping (and assuming) he's a swan - or could be - sometime in the future! Whereas, usually early on, there's signs he's a bit of a duck. Men are much more realistic I guess.

2. Whether ducks or swans (I mean men here) - neither are really that important, in the scheme of things. If you make your whole life about ducks and swans you'll miss all the other glories of the park and river ...

<maybe took metaphor too far>

Mindfuckery Wed 29-Mar-17 14:41:47

Ha ha love it SilverDiary and I agree with both points you made

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:44:08

wise word ladies, and Mindfuckery Im doing exactly the same--(apart from weekends with friends) When I spoke to the lawyer, she advised exactly so, make sure its a time and place to suit you , dont go off on one out of immediate anger (difficult I know) and put yourself in a poor position.

Mindfuckery Wed 29-Mar-17 14:52:41

Hope you're ok user1479 yes after I'd been to the STD clinic, my Gp and for counselling I also went to lawyer who advised me not to act impulsively and to cool things down. I'm glad I took that advice although I realise I've a lot to go through but one step at a time.

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:36:25

Yep, Im fine-- detaching mentally I guess. Mine is something I know that others could get over-- as it was an emotional affair on his part 11 years ago with an assistant of ours who was 20 at the time (it may be more he says not but they had every opportunity) but the problem was he kept and hid love poems/songs he wrote and then recorded himself singing and playing (hes musical) --so Ive read them all and heard them too and its very hard to get beyond that when someone is saying such sentimental stuff and talking about everything will be ok when "we" become one etc and I will come out the dark if you will be there for me and there is only you and me when I escape from my room etc, etc . Makes me seem like some kind of gaoler harpy! and I am so not that way These were clearly written and recorded in OUR home too, I find it grossly disrespectful and very upsetting as I was at the time slaving away at our business full time with a 7 year old whilst he wasted hours on such crap at home when he was "working" . I only found these 3 months ago but there was a "lot" of texting at the time that I picked up on for at least a year and I was gaslighted too then and told it was just friends . Even though in recent years he was always popping up and commenting on her FB posts even though she moved abroad and is now married and pregnant and of course at those points I didnt know about these songs/poems. Its the deception that has got me, the holidays we went on at the time when he was writing this stuff when at home and acting 100% normal with me at home and on holiday etc . I really dont think I can get past that and yes Ive had counselling. He however seems to think its out there now, I should move on, hes said he was sorry and was an idiot and was not in a happy place mentally etc. Problem is I now simply dont feel the same about "US" he has spoilt to me what was always special. I guess you know what I mean Mindfuckery.

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:37:26

In some ways I think in a situation like yours I would find it easier just to say " stick it where the sun doesnt shine"

Mindfuckery Wed 29-Mar-17 15:48:26

Yes I get you user both our relationships have been tarnished forever in different ways. My H says he was an idiot and is totally remorseful but how can I forgive years of mindfuckery , deceit and disrespect? We have completely different situations user but both very hurtful

user1477054316 Wed 29-Mar-17 16:05:33

I totally agree. I had felt very, very slight vibrations over the past few years, so subtle that I dismissed it as paranoia. When I contributed my husband I came away feeling like I was just being silly. He seemed so genuine and sinsere with his denials. I'd just given birth so was very vulnerable. It made me question myself and my sanity. Looking back over the last 6 months, it's rocked my absolute being. My self worth was on the floor. It still is but I know we deserve better, even if that's a life alone as a single mum. It's taken me months to turn cold, to see the man I married, loved and gave my entire being to turn out to be a total fraud. He was such an annoyingly honest man, always had to word everything perfectly, seemed the ultimate perfectionist, and he was, that's why it took 6 years for him to be found out. Now I feel cold, I've allodd my heart to catch up with my head. I can see him for what he is. Never ignore those vibes, however small they might be. It's our minds picking up on the tiniest details, their body language, our intuition. Sometimes we might be wrong (and I wish that was the case) but more often than not, our intuition is spot on. Thank you to you lovely ladies for helping me too.

SandyY2K Wed 29-Mar-17 16:05:55

Wise words regarding detaching yourself OP. I do agree its not always as simple of LTB, but you can detach from a person in your mind and get your ducks in a row to leave them.

I also cringe when people say change the locks. One party hasn't got the legal right to do that. Same as saying bag up his clothes and put outside.

Only shame will prevent a cheater from doing anything about that. So unless you have a man who is ashamed and willing to be kicked out, those forms of action will be problematic.

OP- good luck and I hope it all works out well for you in the end.

You may get away with it because the cheater feels so incredibly ashamed of what they've done.

user1479305498 Wed 29-Mar-17 16:13:07

My counsellor who was a lovely down to earth ex big league agony aunt who has lived a bit said to me " you dont hate to hate someone to leave, you can be friends if you both wish to be, but you dont have to give 100% of your heart or life to someone whose behaviour has made/makes you unhappy , She said a lot of women feel there has to be one big ultimate reason to leave, even without kids on the scene or grown up kids and that they actually have to hate the person or be a victim of domestic abuse etc--we are conditioned to think that way.

IsNotGold Wed 29-Mar-17 19:20:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notthemessiah Wed 29-Mar-17 20:00:25

Agree with most of the signs here apart from Adora10 - depression usually comes with a decreased sex drive and less intense feelings (so loves you/not in love with you) so would actually be a sign he isn't having an affair. Mid-life crisis isn't always cars and affairs either.

Trust your suspicions is almost always good advice - certainly was in my case.

fedupandnogin Wed 29-Mar-17 20:43:14

Great post Mind. Sorry to hear that it's happened to you too. I had all of that too :-(

Mindfuckery Thu 30-Mar-17 08:30:47

I'm sorry for people who are also going through this as it's very painful and not what we signed up to. I agree with your counsellor user1479 we don't have to hate. Detachment to me means he evokes no strong emotions in me, he has made bad choices and he has hurt me but I wish him no ill. I don't want to waste any more brain space on trying to figure him out or discover other things he's done (as I'm pretty sure he's minimised and all I know is tip of the iceberg).
To summarise, what's happened has happened. The prostitutes he's fucked can't be unfucked and I've got to deal with the debris in the best way I can. I hope eventually we can both move on to better lives. He wasn't who I thought he was and if continues to seek out sex workers then that's his choice.

Esoteric Thu 30-Mar-17 09:44:41

I agree totally , good people do bad things but doesn't mean you have to stay tied to them if it's a deal breaker for you , I think how they treat you once you leave is the tester as to whether to stay friends or not

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: