Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Forgiveness and moving on- warning - possible sensitive .

(7 Posts)
ginorwine Wed 29-Mar-17 10:08:40

I'm really distressed and sad .
Been married long time .
Husband is kind considerate man .
I have history of abuse as child and a result is that I really cannot manage some things that some women would dislike but tolerate . What I mean is I cannot manage when I perceive females are being objectified by men and used by them .
Some years ago when we were having a difficult time he looked at porn . I told him that what he does is his choice but that it was a bottom line for me and I found it repulsive and I was v upset that he knew , with my views , what it would mean to me .
I said I would try to move on but if he chose to do it again then it would be a deal breaker for me .
After we had our first child I saw a picture of a woman naked waist up from a woman's magazine I had and a bottle of baby oil next to it .
Obviously I knew what it was for - it was left in bathroom .
I realise that due to my experiences I am much more sensitive than some people but I felt that he was using women again for gratification . Our post baby sex life was non existent . He said he felt lonely and in a bad place and was seeking comfort . But then he didn't use the image because it didn't feel right - I don't know if I believe him and if he said it because I discovered it . I will never know .
I've really really tried to let this go as I kno he has tried to make amends but it closed my mind in part to my view of him being the husband I loved and was proud of . I know it sounds extreme but my background is very sensitive about men using females in this way .
I've stayed with him for years and we did have marriage counselling . To help me to understand in part why men do things like this .
It still rears its head and it's not left me and has affected my view .
I don't know if there is anyway back ? I'm aware people have affairs and heal . If I leave I will lose my home and struggle to manage and that wd be another loss .
Please be gentle - I know I sound judgemental about men - it's my Achilles heel . Thankyou .

Offred Wed 29-Mar-17 10:48:55

It is not extreme at all. You don't need to have been sexually abused to find male objectification of women deeply upsetting though being abused often helps you understand really for the first time how it is all part of the same pathology and your reaction to objectification at the lower end may be triggering then.

Don't beat yourself up for having the boundaries you have or for now feeling that your husband is not a safe person.

The only thing I can recommend having been in the same position is to leave him TBH. He has broken your trust and your boundaries at least once that you know about, because it is triggering and important to you there is not likely to be any coming back from it and you do not need other people to agree with your boundaries for them to be your boundaries.

I sincerely hope you don't get a load of insensitive pricks moaning you are making a mountain out of a molehill... IMO you absolutely are not. flowers

ginorwine Wed 29-Mar-17 10:52:43

Thankyou

pallasathena Wed 29-Mar-17 11:20:53

Sometimes, its better to go it alone than stay for the sake of some misplaced sense of security.
Its your choice OP, but if your boundaries are being breached, your sensitivities minimised and your view of the world dismissed, then you are living a lie not a life.
You don't need anyones permission to state what you do want and what you don't want out of life. It is YOUR LIFE; not his, not anyone else's...its yours and asserting yourself as you have done is not only healthy and empowering, its an intelligent thing to do.
I wish more women would instead of making excuses for their sorry excuses of a partner.
I honestly believe you deserve far better than someone who plays mind-games, crosses serious personal boundaries and displays a fundamental lack of respect as he does.
And if you have children, are they going to grow up expecting the same?

user1477054316 Wed 29-Mar-17 12:06:51

I feel your pain and am in the same boat. I was abused as a child and struggle with those boundaries. My husband chose to break them 9 years ago when we were expecting our first child. We had a great sex life and our relationship seemed to be going perfectly. I wasn't totally off about the porn but I was devastated by the lying. I had just been through a traumatic child abuse court case only days before and needed a couple of days away. Upon my return I saw a huge backlog of porn that he had viewed both nights I was away. He swore on our unborn babies life that he hadn't looked at it, then admitted over Months and Months of drip feeding me that he had watched it. It took years to rebuild my trust but I genuinely believed we got there. We got married, had more children, then in October I had our last child. Came home from the hospital, our first guests arrived to visit our 36 hour old baby, Low and behold, porn on the amazon firestick. I've spent the last 6 months fighting for our marriage but uncovered 6 years of lies. I now accept my husband is a compulsive liar as well as a porn addict and objectifies women. I even found out that he told workfriends how 'fit' another woman was and how he wanted to take her on a date when I was 9 months pregnant with our last baby!. He chose to watch this porn even when I was critically ill In hospital. Our sex life always felt great, he seemed the most honest man who ever walked the earth. Yesterday, I decided to end my marriage, not because of the porn as such but because of his refusal to be honest with me for 6 years, because he chose to take such huge risks as a father and husband and rather than be honest, he chose to totally erode any trust. I'm so sorry but we can't police them. I spent 6 years trusting my husband, I'm staggered that he could even to this very day, still tell more lies. I feel I don't really know him anymore. I don't know if there's more to what your husbands said, what I do know is that they can become very devious and find better ways to hide their behaviour. Ultimately giving second chances is admirable and sometimes pays off. I gave a second chance and my husband repaid me by embarking on a 6 year secret porn/women obsession and totally stole what was left of my dignity. I hope whatever decision you make, that it leaves you with the peace you deserve. Nobody can define your boundaries. You wasn't able to set them as a child but you can set them now. Lots of love x

user1477054316 Wed 29-Mar-17 12:16:39

Also wanted to add that you must be feeling totally torn because this side of him doesn't detract from all the good things about your husband. Ultimately it depends on whether you believe he can 100% come on board with your boundaries. I hope you can find peace.

ginorwine Wed 29-Mar-17 12:48:57

User
I'm so sorry that you have been through this . He lied to you an that's so hard . My husband told he that tho he looked at it he didn't masturbate - it was such a lie and I knew for years of course it wasn't true . I feel ,humiliated , by lies. However he said it was because he was scared . We just talked for a long time . He said that he spent years regretting it and that he would never do it again seeing what it has caused .
I need to think but if I do decide to try and trust him I have to do so properly and not be looking over my shoulder in fear of a repeat .
I'm sending you lots of love and take care - I wish you all good things x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now