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My boyfriend touches me when he's asleep(22 Posts)
We're both 29. Been together 1.5 yrs, not married, don't live together, no kids. We spend about 3-4 nights a week at each other's houses.
He talks and walks in his sleep quite a bit. But occasionally he touches me too. The first few times I was asleep and sort of woke up feeling all turned on and sleepy and confused. I responded to him (kissing and touching him back) which woke him up I guess, and he stopped and apologised and seemed confused. We went back to sleep, but I felt pretty rejected. Like he'd woken up, realised it was me, and decided he didn't want me after all! It wasn't traumatic in any way, I just felt a bit shit.
Then the next time I was awake when he started it. I brushed him off a few times, and in the end had to get out of bed and wake him up. Again, he woke up and apologised and seemed confused. I felt really disrespected (rightly or wrongly - he was asleep afterall!) So we had a chat the next day, and I told him it wasn't ok. He obviously knows it isn't ok. He said it has happened before with an ex girlfriend. And it also happened at a party when he shared a bed with a male friend of his, and ended up having an experience he didn't want basically. He hasn't shared a bed with anyone since then (about 3 yrs ago) til meeting me. He says he has very little memory of it, but he is aware when it has happened. It seems to happen when he's been drinking, so we agreed we wouldn't share a bed if he's drunk.
Anyway, then it happened a few more times - each time after just one or two drinks. A few times I have been asleep, and like the first times I woke feeling turned on and responded and got rejected again. And a few times where I just felt annoyed and once or twice when i've felt like he is a fucking dickhead and totally invaded my privacy and it feels awful. Even when I don't feel like that, I don't like being woken up to be rejected, or woken up to have to fend him off funnily enough!! He seems mortified the next day, apologises a lot, etc etc.
Anyway, so we then had another talk. We agreed we wouldn't share a bed even if he just has had one drink. And we talked about him going to see a GP. He hasn't.
All fine. A few months pass. He still talks and thrashes about in his sleep etc, but no sexual incidents for months and months.
Until a few nights ago! We hadn't been drinking at all. And it happened anyway. I just don't know what to do about it really. I don't know what it means, if it means anything. I don't know if it is normal, or common, or ok. But I don't like it, so it doesn't really matter if it is 'ok' because it isn't to me.
Nothing else in the relationship is a problem. We have a lovely time, are very much in a blissed out honeymoon period, have an awesome sex life, we just generally get on so well. But, like.... wtf?? Why does he do this?? He seems very embarrassed about it. But I think if he was serious about stopping it, he would see a GP or something. I am seeing him tomorrow and want a plan of how to talk about it with him, and an idea of what to suggest.
I also have in the back of my mind that I am overreacting. I have been married before (got married v young! But y'know, life lesson and all that... ;) ) and my ex and I used to have sleepy sex and it was lovely actually. So I know this sort of sex started when half asleep happens. But this situation with my boyfriend feels different. Im not sure why.
I think he's just doing it his sleep, so you could just move him/yourself and then go back to sleep?
I think you need to tell him what you just said here and see what response you get.
Trust your gut OP. If you're not happy with it, he should be willing to properly address it - why wouldn't he?
My DH does this - he is absolutely asleep and does other weird stuff whilst asleep. If stressed he is worse but other than good sleep hygiene there is nothing to do - we haven't looked at meds as it would be crazy to medicate a situation that does him no harm.
Sometimes I sleep separately I wake him up and reset him but don't get cross - it's not his fault at all, we are all weird in our own ways.
He is asleep, so I'm not sure why you can say it is 'disrespectful'
I'm also not sure there is anything a GP can or will do about this. He isn't ill, it is just a mild annoyance for you
If you're not happy with it, he should be willing to properly address it - why wouldn't he?
Because he is asleep?
Short of sleeping in a straightjacket, or lying to a doctor to get medication, what is he supposed to do the 'address it'? They are already sleeping in separate beds when he is at risk of sleep-touching
You can either sleep in a separate bed or room or continue as you are. You need to then work out whether it is a deal breaker for you. If it is, move on. If not, then fine. I agree with PPs that I don't know what a doctor can do as he is actually asleeep.
My dh also does this. I can easily wake him but worry one day he'll not wake up and I'll have to fend off a very strong unconscious man. There's not really much you can do. Hypnotherapy for him?
It's a common form of parasomnia and is a condition he can't really help much. He's not being disrespectful intentionally.
I agree that this is a parasomnia that he is not intentionally perpetrating so you should try to be understanding. However, it might be possible that he could get therapy to help stop? I honestly don't know if that's a thing, but if it is he should look into it and try since it is upsetting to you, no matter how much control he has over his actions.
There is also the option of sleeping in different beds. Many loving couples do this, it doesn't mean that you love each other less.
Wow, thank you for all the quick responses. I'll have a look at that link. Thank you.
I sleep walk, I imagine for him this is similar - I have no conscious knowledge of what I'm doing and simply can't stop myself, I don't really know what you expect him to do if he's asleep?
I think this is quite common. If he is asleep he is not in control of his actions so perhaps you could sleep in separate beds. Unless there is a possibility that he is actually awake and getting a kick out of 'molesting' you while you are asleep, but this doesn't seem likely from what you have described. As pp said he can't help it so its up to you whether its a dealbreaker ir not.
He is asleep. You are awake. He has no control over this but you do. I think you should get out of bed and sleep somewhere else when this happens as you are the one bothered by it. Personally I think your feeling disrespected is the problem here, because it is clear that he does not disrespect you as he is asleep and unconscious. Perhaps a good compromise would you both getting some help for this?
If this is something that is a dealbreaker for your relationship, then make the decision and leave him.
I do this OP - I've been to sleep clinic and slept with electrodes stuck to my head and everything. I'm diagnosed with non-REM parasomnia, and take Mirtazapine for it, which works a treat. Booze and stress exacerbate it, as does jet lag. Your boyfriend can get help with this, via his GP. Re: the sex thing - I basically have a dream that something incredibly sexy is happening, and wake my DH up. Then I realise that I'm in my suburban home and haven't brushed my teeth, and it rapidly deflates. Don't feel too offended!
I'd say separate beds are your answer, if you wish to stay happily in the relationship.
This isn't his fault I don't think but I wouldn't be able to tolerate it, so if I wanted to keep the man I would go to separate bedrooms/beds.
Separate beds, or what I think what was called a 'Dutch wife'? It's a bolster you have lengthways. So you could keep the same bed but have that between you when it comes to sleeping. He can schmooze that -and as a bonus it keeps your back warm
This isnt a kind of sleepy lusty reaching out. Its a condition that needs attempts at treatment or techniques to minimise its effects.
Are treatments/techniques effective, tho,when the person is actually asleep, I wonder?
I've only encountered sleep walking, so just didn't know about this til now.
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