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I know it's abusive but I can't leave

(27 Posts)
BeKind89 Wed 29-Mar-17 09:12:27

I'm (obviously) using an anon name, email etc just in case, btw.

Been with my boyfriend 5 years, we have a child together. So many things have happened, some good, some really bad and some very traumatic for me. But none the less, I stay.
I'm pretty sure he's abusive, emotionally. Just recently I told him that me and my mum were planning a little weekend trip to Ireland, and he came over, got in my face and said if I go to Ireland for the first time without him he would be very, very upset and disappointed. So obviously now I can't go, I won't enjoy myself for fear of him being angry or upset with me. But I can't exactly tell my mum the real reason I'm cancelling.
He's very disrespectful to me in front of our son, who's just turned 3. Not in that he's rude or anything, but he'll constantly undermine me in front of him. If our son hits me or throws a ball at my face, he laughs. I genuinely don't think he sees anything wrong with this and sees it as playfulness, but I have asked him hundreds of times not to.
He's also very sexually aggressive. I went through a few problems downstairs about a year back and my dr advised not to have sex until everything was good again. After about 4 days he starts begging, and even though i kept saying no, he climbed on top of me and started trying so eventually I gave in. This led to me having a really bad infection.
I've been woken up by him having his hands down my pants a few times, while pleasuring himself. This really freaks me out. I've never been able to confront him about this. I just lay there hoping he'll be done soon.
And because of this I feel almost repulsed when we have sex now. Which isn't very often, I'm always trying to come up with excuses. When we do have sex, I'll suggest just a quickie, but then he wants to kiss and touch me before sex with sometimes sends me into a panic attack.

I have never told anyone this before. Sorry for the long post. I just don't know what to do, I feel so depressed.
I just want to be happy. And I want things to go back to how they were when our son was a baby.
Thanks for listening flowers ❤ xxx

sonlypuppyfat Wed 29-Mar-17 09:16:33

Oh please what on earth are you doing with him. What would you say to a daughter or friend if they told you this story? Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how you treat a woman

floraeasy Wed 29-Mar-17 09:16:51

This is a horrible situation for you and a bad role model your growing son.

You need to change things/leave. I think you know that, but it will take time to work through. Just keep posting here.

You say you were happy when your son was a baby. What was different about your partner then? What's changed? I don't think abuse comes from nowhere. Are you sure he wasn't always abusive to some extent and that things are just escalating and becoming glaringly obvious to you now?

Sounds like you have a close relationship with your mum, so the support is there IRL. Perhaps you need to confide in your mum. Don't keep his dirty little secrets for him. I used to do that in an old abusive relationship. I felt ashamed and isolated myself, when the only shame belong fair and square on HIS shoulders.

You are stronger than you think, you know, and you have your boy to think about now.

Just keep posting and work through your feelings flowers

HecateAntaia Wed 29-Mar-17 09:19:48

why cant you leave a man who intimidates, controls and sexually abuses you?

you can leave if you choose to.

you can tell your mum if you choose to.

you can ask for help if you choose to.

this does not have to be your life. thanks

BeKind89 Wed 29-Mar-17 09:23:56

Thanks floraeasy, I know you're right. I know I should leave.
I'm so worried.
My mum and I are close I guess but we have more of a friend relationship.
I don't want anyone to look at my boyfriend differently or ever say anything bad about him to our son if we ever broke up, because we're all still going to be a part of each others lives and I would want that to be as peaceful as possible for my son.

We used to have a really healthy sex life, then one night I went out with some friends and got drunk, came home and passed out, shoes still on, make up, jewellery the lot. I woke up completely naked. He said we had sex but I have no recollection of this happening. Since then I haven't been able to willingly have sex, I guess. I think I was trying to just, get over it. He's my boyfriend, he loves me. So just get over it. But recently I started loosing my hair, so it must be affecting me a lot more than I realised.

floraeasy Wed 29-Mar-17 09:28:37

You will find the strength, BeKind - you've already taking then first step by making this thread. It took me a while to screw up the courage to leave my first husband and I had no family at all for support. When I finally did it - oh the joy!!!! I felt like I'd just left a prison.

My mum and I are close I guess but we have more of a friend relationship

Even a friend wouldn't want you going through this.

I don't want anyone to look at my boyfriend differently or ever say anything bad about him to our son if we ever broke up

Your boyfriend will earn his own reputation by his own actions. You are not responsible for how people see his behaviour.

because we're all still going to be a part of each others lives and I would want that to be as peaceful as possible for my son

The situation you describe sounds anything but peaceful. An unhappy mother is not good for your son either.

Since then I haven't been able to willingly have sex, I guess. I think I was trying to just, get over it. He's my boyfriend, he loves me. So just get over it

I'm not surprised you are having problems in this area. He's a creep! Why SHOULD you just get over it?

But recently I started loosing my hair, so it must be affecting me a lot more than I realised

...and now it's making you ill. This isn't helping you or your son. Why should you put yourself through this to protect your boyfriend? He doesn't deserve this kind of loyalty.

PrettyGoodLife Wed 29-Mar-17 09:30:33

flowers sounds tough!

BeKind89 Wed 29-Mar-17 09:36:39

Thays exactly it - when he leaves for the day I feel much happier.
I was brought up in an unhappy broken home with my parents always hating on eachother and the thought of that for my son absolutely breaks my heart.

And after everything, he is still the father of my child. I loved him so much to the point where we decided to have a child together. I thought he would never ever betray me in this way and it really breaks my heart.
I never expected to be sexually violated by the one person in the world I trusted the very most.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Mar-17 09:37:11

You have to get out.
Tell your DM everything.
Your son will grow up to repeat the abuse cycle.
You are teaching him that treating women the way your DH treats you is OK!!
It is NOT!!!
He is an abuser and a rapist.
Please contact Rape Crisis and talk to them about the situation.
Then contact Womens Aid and get yourself and exit plan.
Do NOT cancel your trip to Ireland.
Does your mum have room for you?
I'm very good friends with my DD as well but I'm still her mum and would move heaven and earth to get her away from an abusive rapist.

pudding21 Wed 29-Mar-17 09:59:22

Bekind: I've been there (not the sexual abuse....I call it abuse cos that is what it is) but the emotional abuse in a 21 year year relationship. It wasn't always bad, but he is a very anxious, depressive, negative man. It deteriorated in the last three years. In between incidents we got on well, had a laugh and enjoyed on the whole each others company. I was talking to an old friend yesterday and she said she remember a time when we had just started living together when I had made him toast and he threw it at me because I hadn't buttered it right. Sounds stupid right? Well it just got worse over the years and it started to build and build to the point where it got physical, his insecurities got worse and I felt I could do nothing right and walked on eggshells constantly.

I have two kids, 9 and 5, and they started to hear and see stuff I didn't feel was right. He started to undermine me more, put me down, constantly critisism and for the last 2-3 years I realised I had enough and he wouldn't change. I tried to leave on a few occasions and 7 weeks ago I just snapped. Enough was enough. Its been really difficult and I get what you say about not wanting to talk negatively about him to anyone. You feel disloyal. But you shouldn't, and you don't want your DC to learn that is how a good relationship is.

Things that helped: talking to some valued friends, reading up about emotional abuse, I started going to the gym to build my confidence, I listened to the way he talked to me and it registered (before I just ignored it), I tired to understand my own behaviour and why I would put up with that.

Bottom line is, if you are unhappy and he is treating you badly (which he is) it won't get better. You will start isolating yourself more and your self esteem will drop even further. Start thinking about how you can leave, get advice, get your finances in order, build strength. Keep posting on here for advice.

Even after 7 weeks I still doubt if I have done the right thing, I feel terribly guilty, but I am much more relaxed, I am happier generally, I feel like I have autonomy again.

Good luck flowers and don't cancel your trip away. Go and have a good time, his repsonse might just give you that final push to leave.

pudding21 Wed 29-Mar-17 10:01:39

Oh and get angry: why is it you can love and put so much into a relationship but he can't? he is choosing to destroy you. I wanted a happy ever after, a home full of joy and laughter with the kids. What I ended up with was a horrible atmosphere where I felt I was being suffocated. I am so angry with my ex for causing this (although I am sure I did things at times that hurt him too). Some men can't love like you deserve because intrinsically they don't love themselves. And until he does and changes you won't be happy.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Mar-17 10:05:43

don't cancel your trip away. Go and have a good time, his repsonse might just give you that final push to leave
This is exactly happened to my DSis.
She came away with me.
When we got back she came to mine.
Listened to me tell my DH about it and the laughs and other blokes trying it on etc.....
She went home and she couldn't tell him anything. There was hell to pay.
We got her out the very next day!!!

MattBerrysHair Wed 29-Mar-17 10:30:59

Oh love, he raped you. This man is not a good person, as a father or partner. Someone who loved you wouldn't treat you so appallingly

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 10:39:17

Why are you putting up with this; this is not even a relationship; it's basically him using and abusing you; if not for yourself think of what you are showing your son; a man basically abusing you; your children mirror everything you do and your son will grow up to do exactly the same as what he is doing to you, because you are showing him it's normal; can you honestly live with that later when your son's issues become apparent, I couldn't. A man that abuses you is worth more than your son, really?

You need to tell your mum everything and then plan your exit, so I don't understand why you say you `can't`, that transpires to don't want to; so carry on showing your son how a fucked up relationship works.

Wise up OP; you know this is all shades of wrong.

BeKind89 Wed 29-Mar-17 10:56:01

How would I even go about leaving though? I really want things to be on good terms for my son. I know this might sounds silly and unnecessary to a lot of you but it's really important to me. My goal is that our son sees that his parents respect eachother.
I don't want to just, leave either. I want to be able to tell him why I'm leaving. His mother is absolutely unbearable, it's a long story. She's a narcissistic control freak who recently stopped talking to me altogether because my boyfriend asked her why she was still in regular contact with his ex wife (who's now married and has a child of her own), she flipped out and accused me of dictating who she speaks to. I haven't seen her since Christmas. But I know the whole time we've been together she's been rooting for us to split up. And I want him to know the true reason why we're breaking up, so that he won't place all the blame on me to his family and to our son.
I know this sounds petty but his mum has caused me to have severe anxiety in the past, I had PND and she came over unannounced when my son was 4 months old and called my house 'disgusting'. She blackmailed me into sending him to a nursery close to her so she could pick him up and drop him off (I don't drive). She's a horrible woman.

I feel emotionally strong enough to handle a break up, as much as it will hurt. I don't know how to cope with everything that comes after. And what to tell my son.

SparklyMagpie Wed 29-Mar-17 11:03:27

You want your son to see you respecting eachother? Well he's not seeing that with you two together is he

floraeasy Wed 29-Mar-17 11:04:33

How would I even go about leaving though?

You just leave. It's simple, but not easy.

Can't you say with your mother? She's got your back, hasn't she? Go on hols with her and don't go back. Do you have a mortgage? What's your financial and legal position?

I really want things to be on good terms for my son. I know this might sounds silly and unnecessary to a lot of you but it's really important to me

Things are already not on good terms for your son! His mother is being abused on a daily basis shock Wait until he's old enough to copy that behaviour himself. Is this what you want him to learn?

My goal is that our son sees that his parents respect eachother

Respect is a two-way street. You can try all you like, but if you are partner is a horrible abusive twat..........

I want to be able to tell him why I'm leaving

You could give him a long list of reasons why you're leaving just from what I've seen you post here.

But I know the whole time we've been together she's been rooting for us to split up. And I want him to know the true reason why we're breaking up, so that he won't place all the blame on me to his family and to our son

His mother isn't important. Who cares what she thinks? She may well have contributed to your partner's issues, but this is why YOU need to break this cycle of dysfunctional and abuse now for your son's sake.

I know this sounds petty but his mum has caused me to have severe anxiety in the past, I had PND and she came over unannounced when my son was 4 months old and called my house 'disgusting'. She blackmailed me into sending him to a nursery close to her so she could pick him up and drop him off (I don't drive). She's a horrible woman

Another reason to leave. You won't have to see this awful woman any more.

I don't know how to cope with everything that comes after. And what to tell my son

You WILL cope. One step at a time. How old is your son? There are appropriate things to tell him at different ages. You will get help for that here. I have no direct experience of breaking-up with children involved myself.

floraeasy Wed 29-Mar-17 11:07:10

Your partner is a bully.

I'd put money on him abusing your son later if not sooner. When your son is old enough to challenge him, argue back, etc your partner will not take it well. You can stop this now.

floraeasy Wed 29-Mar-17 11:08:39

Do the Freedom Programme

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php

and take that holiday with your Mum!

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 11:10:46

OP, I think the way he is using and abusing you has become your norm; you need to wake up and realise this is abuse, verbal, physical and sexual but yet you want your son to see you both respecting each other, are you actually serious?

You need to report him to the Police; get to fuck away from him and tell his mum that he's an abuser, and everyone else for that matter; absolutely disgusting that he rapes you when he feels like sex, threatens you physically and puts you down; and all you are concerned about is what the outside world think of you two?

You love your son, put him first and get rid of the sad excuse you call a man; he's a bully and a coward and I have no idea why you think anything about your relationships is normal.

HecateAntaia Wed 29-Mar-17 11:11:11

he isnt seeing his parents respecting each other now though is he?
he is growing up seeing his mum frightened, controlled and intimidated by a man who does not respect her at all.
and he will grow up thinking that is how you treat someone you love.

i dont know about you, but id rather leave than have that and be raped into the bargain.

just because it isnt easy doesnt mean it isnt important.

at least talk in confidence to someone. share what you are going through. see it through their eyes.

pudding21 Wed 29-Mar-17 11:41:26

Start thinking about practicalities:

Have you got any access to money?
Look up what benefits you might be entitled too?
Is it your house? joint names? Would he leave?
Line up ap cuple of friends/ family in case you need to live in a hurry.
Start collecting all your documents, making copies etc.

The first step is to start thinking about practicalities.

I stressed about the kids, they have been ok, some challenging moments but generally ok. In fact my oldest who has been the more difficult has started to realise and understand why I left. He has done this by himself because he realises how much calmer it is with me than their dad. He sees them every wednesday and every other weekend. It is not yet anywhere near amicable as there is a lot of sadness and regret from his part. But he is still trying to manipulate me, but I have my own space now (I left, he never would have. Most people advised me to stay but I knew i need to go).

If you think you are "safe" just start thinking and planning its the first step. it might take you a few go's at doing it, you might go back. But this relationship will never be again what you wanted it to be, too many lines have been crossed. i'd say your first step is to talk to your mum, she might already sense your unhappiness.

PickAChew Wed 29-Mar-17 11:48:30

Your son will see your partner treating you badly, whether you stay with him or not. You will be able to absolutely minimise that if you don't stay, though.

If you don't stay with him, the sexual assault, rape and emotional abuse will stop, though, so your son is less likely to grow up thinking that treating women like shit is the done thing.

PickAChew Wed 29-Mar-17 11:55:23

And yes, bullying cocks like your partner tend not to take kindly to their children growing up to have opinions of their own. There is no guarantee that your son's relationship with him will be a good one if you stick around and endure the abuse.

What the hell gives any man the right to harangue anyone for wanting to have a life with their own family, then help themselves to sex, as they please, doing their best into shrinking that person into nothing more than a meek slave? Do you really want to give this bastard the opportunity to do this to you for the next 15 years, until your son is grown up, in the futile hope that he and your son will have a great, balanced relationship that will enable your son to grow up to be a happy, kind individual?

The best thing you can do for your DS to give him the chance of a happy life is take him away and become a family of two, free of fear and degradation.

Elaisa Wed 29-Mar-17 12:07:59

Oh honey, think for a second...

You say you were brought up in an unhappy home and it has affected you. You say your MIL is horrendous and your OH abuses you.

Now put those two together and think what kind of childhood your son will have and what kind off adult he is going to be if you stay in this relationship. Is that really what you want?

I don't remember if you said sth about your parents situation, but looking back can you honestly say that you didn't wish they would seperate (sooner) and that a nervous house hasn't affected you at all?

What kind of life you want for your son? So you want that he will abuse his future mother of his children? Because it's highly unlikely that doesn't happen if you stay in this relationship. What would you do if you have a daughter some day and she will have the same kind of partner as yours is? Because that kind of relationship is all your child(ren) will ever been seen and it would be a norm for them!

I'm sorry I'm so harsh but if you don't care about yourself, you are unfortunately the only one who can stop the cycle of the abuse for your son. I know leaving is hard but you have support and you just have to take the first step. For you and your son's better future!

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