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How do you move on

(7 Posts)
bathmatandbin Wed 29-Mar-17 01:57:24

I am in the process of separating from my husband. We have been together for 18 years and I know we are doing the right thing, but I feel so lost, and so close to the a pattern of destructive behaviour.

We have struggled since our DS was born almost 6 years ago and we have been hanging on for the last 2 years. I know I will be happier on my own, and he has said he will be, but I just have no idea who I am anymore. I am living with my parents, we are splitting child care and I am keeping on, keeping on. But I feel restricted and I just want time to speed up the flow of time and for the important stuff to be done sold, accommodation sorted, life normalised.

I hate not knowing what he thinks of me, I hate knowing that we have failed, but I am also 100% relieved that we have parted and feel a bit liberated by the space from him. Has anyone else been here? What can I do to just stop myself from being destructive and petulant? All advice great fully received

NewMum17 Wed 29-Mar-17 02:53:30

Haven't been there but speaking from point of view where parents separated. It becomes really hard when it hits you, so keep busy at times, even if it's just housework stuff. Try not to focus too much on the big things you are waiting for, like selling the house, because it could take a long time.
Make sure you find a hobby/project/something to do that keeps you happy and your mind focused on something else, often.
Also, try to confide in someone close to you, who can understand you if they haven't been through this themselves. Speaking about little things helped my parents.
Book social meet ups with friends or activities for your DS to have something to look forward to.
Good luck, stay strong. Believe that you did the right thing xX

bathmatandbin Wed 29-Mar-17 13:39:10

Thanks - it is just so tough, it's like the transition is tough than the decision. Does anyone else have any advise. I just don't want to get into a tailspin and do stupid things.....I am scared I think!

NearlyFree17 Wed 29-Mar-17 16:41:25

I feel exactly the same that the transition is worse than the decision. I am going through a separation and divorce from my husband of 20 years and although I know its the right thing, its so hard. The days feel like years. My concentration is shot to pieces so its hard to occupy myself even with fun things. Work feels almost impossible to do.
Everyone says you will feel better after finishing a bad relationship. I feel worse, even though I don't want him back. He is already in a new relationship and all loved up, looking forward to his new life. I struggle to even get out of bed,

bathmatandbin Wed 29-Mar-17 22:23:38

I know how you feel - I am knackered and the concentration thing is so true. I feel grouchy and snappy! I just don't want to be destructive, I want to be able to hold up my head and progress. Nearlyfree, good luck

chickenstock Wed 29-Mar-17 22:32:34

I can completely relate to what you're saying OP - I'm spending all my energy being sensible and holding things together but inside it's like one big constant panic attack 24/7. I don't have any advice other than keep busy, lean on people close to you and try to change the nature of your relationship with your ex i.e. It's so tempting to call him when you feel sad, and although some navel-gazing and evaluation of what went wrong is helpful, ultimately you need to learn to be strong on your own. Sending you patience, deep breaths and maybe a little wine!

bathmatandbin Wed 29-Mar-17 22:39:57

chickstock, thank you. I need that inner grit and a much more healthy outlook. I am a horrible mixture of angry, relieved and was at the moment and just feel inside in shaking. I hope this passes, I hope it is a phase...I just need some progress and to stop feeling like I'm stuck weighting for my life to begin again.

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