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Stbxh is a pita!

(21 Posts)
GoldenOrb Tue 28-Mar-17 22:11:13

Brief back story. We separated last year, which was my doing and not what he wanted. We have kids together so have to be in contact about them, but otherwise I try not to have contact with him. He has been EA in the past and continues to be so.

Occasionally he will send me messages, usually in the middle of the night so I steepest when drunk, telling me that he loves me. So far I have ignored them, hoping they would stop, but they haven't. I don't know what to do now. Do I need to tell him to stop (it would be via email/text as I find talking to him very difficult with his constant attempts to manipulate me)?

Rainydayspending Tue 28-Mar-17 22:29:23

They are most likely another attempt at manipulation. It's hard, but ignoring anything that isn't related to the children is a way to "train" this out of him.
Stick to email/ text only. Don't change that.
I found emotive messages took a while to stop. They did eventually though.

Rainydayspending Tue 28-Mar-17 22:31:59

You could be clear (not on a drunken message day, maybe on an insulty/ manipulation/ PA message day) and respond. "Going forward I will only respond to messages directly relating to dc".
Stick to it. Even if you get a separate phone for friends etc so you can 'switch him off' if you're having a stressful time.

GoldenOrb Tue 28-Mar-17 22:41:22

rainyday yes, there are other examples of when he tries to reengage me, and on the whole I don't respond unless about dc, but then I get abuse because he is just trying to be friendly and I am horrible for not replying etc.

I might make it explicit that I will only respond to stuff about the dc, although I know that will just rile him and lead to more of the above.

RandomMess Tue 28-Mar-17 22:46:30

I would change your mobile tbh. Just stick your old sim in a basic phone and have it on when the DC are with him. I would put in writing "I will only make contact arrangements via this email address from now on as is appropriate to our situation (or something like that)"

Make no reference to the unwanted texts etc.

flowers

GoldenOrb Tue 28-Mar-17 22:58:49

It sucks to have to change my number because of him, but it's definitely a good solution.

pog100 Tue 28-Mar-17 23:09:51

Get a new number just for him and only use this. He will learn.

TheNaze73 Wed 29-Mar-17 07:42:30

I can see why he's an ex. A manipulator, with no self pride. He sounds hideous.
I agree with the others, change numbers.

GoldenOrb Wed 29-Mar-17 08:01:57

Ugh. He dropped off the kids this morning. "You look nice", he says. I know it sounds pathetic to moan about these kind of things but I am sick of this and of him. He always does it in front of the kids and it just feels awkward and horrible.

abbsisspartacus Wed 29-Mar-17 09:44:43

Just don't reply have your phone on silent at night time

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore Wed 29-Mar-17 09:46:02

Step up the boundaries. RandomMess talks sense!

GoldenOrb Wed 29-Mar-17 14:19:45

You are right about the boundaries. He has none.

However, I don't know how I would enforce them. He frequently sends texts like "did the kids get to school ok?". Of course the fucking did, I've been taking them to school/nursery for years, I didn't suddenly forget how to do it! But if I say that I'll only respond to messages about the children, then I am sure he will argue that that message is about the children and therefore should be responded to.

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:25:51

Unless his messages are important then just bloody ignore the creep; no wonder you got rid he sounds like a sex pest.

GoldenOrb Wed 29-Mar-17 14:31:11

Adora you couldn't be more right.

Stella08 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:50:10

It's an awful situation to be in. My STBXH was EA and likes to try and get a rise out of me by using DS. I've ended up telling him via text to not contact me directly or through a 3rd party anymore, he can contact me through my solicitor. He ignored this last week with a sarcastic text so I've told him that was his final warning and if he does it again, my solicitor will seek an Harassment order.
I'm just calling his bluff cos it's not bad enough for me to get one but he's a twat and doesn't know that. It's been lovely and quiet this week smile
Good luck OP. I'd just ignore him. He wants a reaction from you as justification to maintain contact.

GoldenOrb Wed 29-Mar-17 15:08:02

Stella that sounds really hard, I'm sorry your ex is being such a twat too. I have wondered about going down the solicitor route but guess I'd need to give him a warning from me first, and I know that would wind him up and be further fuel to his belief in how unreasonable I am. Not that I give a shit what he thinks about me.

It's been 7 months since I moved out. My feeling is if he was going to get bored of trying to annoy me it would have happened by now. I don't think it is going to stop. And yes I can ignore it but it pisses me off and I'm finding it difficult not to let it get to me.

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:28:04

Tell him you have a new boyfriend, a 6 feet 8 inch one!

It will stop OP, when he finds another willing victim.

Stella08 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:35:00

When things were really bad when we'd just moved out I used to remind myself that as bad as things were, I was happier then than I was in that marriage. I had no money, was living in a crappy house with very little furniture and 3 DC to support through the difficult time too. Even with all that I knew my life was better than before. I felt pity for STBXH for being so sad with his existence that he felt the need to contact me and annoy me. His life is sad and I know his future is pretty miserable too. All due to HIS actions. Life is what you make it and I've decided that the best way to annoy him is to enjoy my life. He might have the house, the car's and the money but I have the DC and my freedom and that mean more to me than anything he has.
I know it's hard but look forward not back cos that's the direction you're heading in. Leave him and his silly games in the past. Let him be consumed by his actions but don't let them consume you.

Theendofthethetherisclose Wed 29-Mar-17 15:38:01

Urrgghh - I feel your pain. Mine is exactly the same.

Last week I dropped the kids off at his place. I always stay in the car but he came out. I knew I was going to the supermarket & ask if anyone had a £1 coin (for the trolley) in exchange for change. He said "I have, but everything has a price" & puckers up for a kiss !
Endless stupid, pointless texts about the kids (they are 15 & 17).
The worst one was : we had had a particularly intense meeting regarding finances & as I was leaving he caught my arm and said 'I've got a semi ' I almost vommed on the spot.

I just block him now as the kids are old enough to make their own arrangements with him. This does come back to bite me though as I am the crappest Mother in the world because one of them had a cold & I wasn't there for him.

Good luck

Adora10 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:43:32

You poor strong wonderful woman still having to suffer at the hands of these sad weak individuals.

GoldenOrb Wed 29-Mar-17 15:51:27

Stella I could have written most of your post. And I know that my life is sooooo much better now we have split up. It's full and I'm busy when the kids are with him and I am so much happier. I know that he isn't, so I suppose he finds it hard to see me getting on with my life and being happy without him. Despite the fact he was a twat to me he relied on me heavily for everything and I think is a bit lost now trying to rebuild his life. I should have some sympathy for him but I mostly still feel angry towards him. Maybe that will fade in time.

Theend wtf?! Ugh, he sounds as much of a twat as mine and very similar in the complete inappropriateness of comments like that. I am assuming he hasn't got better over time?!

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