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Toxic relationship. Both emotionally abusive?

(9 Posts)
winekeepsmesane Tue 28-Mar-17 19:24:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secretlife0fbees Tue 28-Mar-17 20:29:33

OP firstly, I would recommend you go and see a counsellor (alone). I was in what sounds like a similar relationship and to be honest by the end of it I didn't know whether I was coming or going, whether it was all my fault etc etc... seeing her made me see things much much clearer and that clarity gave me the strength to get rid of him because I saw him for what he really was.
What is your situation? Married? Kids? Just asking as obviously certain things make the whole breakup more complicated (but not impossible!) helps so people can advise you based on their own experience etc.
I would, in the meantime, start writing things down (dates and how it made you feel etc) because for me I kind of blocked things out as there was just so much being said / going on. It also helped me to re-read this when I couldn't remember things clearly.
Sounds like you definitely need to split... just now you need to start gaining some clarity and making calm decisions. Hth flowers

Dozer Tue 28-Mar-17 20:35:21

Asking someone not to go to a strip club is not controlling or emotionally abusive. Sounds like he is gaslighting you.

Given that he is abusive you can't expect him to behave reasonably, move out etc (unless you're not married and you solely rent or own the place, in which case you can make him leave): he will behave abusively. So you need RL support and to get your ducks in a row.

Please also seek help with your alcohol problem: that won't help anything.

Dozer Tue 28-Mar-17 20:36:20

He won't change: he's been abusive for years and is now just doing different types of abuse. Best thing is to leave.

winekeepsmesane Tue 28-Mar-17 20:46:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secretlife0fbees Tue 28-Mar-17 21:16:09

So take your own advice. Start making plans, you know it's not your fault. Don't waste any more of your life on this unhappy situation. Also, look at the freedom programme (it costs £10 and you can do it online) and read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Things will become much clearer! (Although it took me another 6 months after first reading that but it helped me to get out of the trap of guilt I was in for so many years).

highinthesky Tue 28-Mar-17 21:20:20

You're not married to a split should be relatively straightforward. Sort your drinking out first though, for the sake of DC.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 28-Mar-17 21:26:20

When you are not being abused then you might find it much easier to stop drinking completely.

Dozer Tue 28-Mar-17 21:38:20

Well, be your own friend!

He shouldn't have been interfering in your decisions about counselling.

Suggest seeing a BACP registered counsellor.

You can also gather info about finances, any benefits, rental agreement etc.

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